down. a little.

(can't find the source now.. sorry)

having a hard time describing to myself how i feel... wonder if it will make sense to put it down here? i've been on a journey and it's been good... hard but good. my heart is lighter and more free than it's been in years.

i'm not as hard on myself.

but then there are days like today where i feel down. low. it's not anything that's really "happened" to me but just more a sense of where i want to be... some days the process feels so slow. so gentle.

after spending some time with the big guy i always feel lighter. but today i just want more. maybe the dissatisfaction is a gift.

to be honest my disappointment started with a silly thing.. I pitched an idea to Dave and he shot it down.. using his no fail reason.. money. he always goes there. i mean deep down in most situations i do appreciate it.. but it really wasn't that much money and the end result was a special day of fun for the boys... anyways i find disappointments like that fester inside me... today i am choosing to send it packing. no festering. just get over it.

we had a great family weekend away... it was far from perfect and people didn't seem to have as much fun as usual but the boys loved swimming and they had a blast. my heart wasn't in shopping which was kind of a bummer but i did manage to find a couple great deals.

it was just nice to get away...

really struggling with Jett this week.. sleeping is an issue. at night and for naps. we were doing well, then it sucked again, then it got a bit better and now it's down the crapshoot. ugh. so tired of being tired. so with all that complaining just here to say i am a work in progress and in regards to us over here at casa difran i'll cling to this little mantra...

source

lately

1. We baked heart shaped cupcakes yesterday... I read about it online somewhere. I just used tinfoil balls to make indents. Of course decorating them is way more fun.

2. Jett is giving us a run for our money.. this guy is busy. He is walking around furniture, he moves everywhere FAST. He waves, he loves big. Sleep has been VERY difficult... he seems to party it up in his crib for many hours at night... the other day after crying for quite awhile (he was so tired) I found him like this...

3. The warm weather has been a gift to the soul. The boys love to play outside. Dave made them a tunnel (which has already melted) it was great fun. It' s nice to be able to send the boys outside to play and not worry about where they will wander too... More and more we LOVE where we live.

4. Registered my kiddos for Kindergarten last week. I picked up the paper work the week before and had some time to think about how momentous it is to enter into this new phase of life. I am not one to cry about it though.. just a natural phase of life and they will LOVE it. The day we dropped off the papers they thought they were going. Our school does a reading program for the kids going into K so they boys will attend that for a few weeks after spring break.

5. In regards to #4... the biggest stressor for me was what would happen with my going back to work. The boys get out of school an hour earlier than me and since I work in town and they will be going to school here in the village I was unsure how I could make it work. Thankfully a new friend (who has proved to be a HUGE blessing.. in more than one way) agreed to take them after they are done and bring them to her house. Her son will be in their class so it works out perfectly. This was a huge load off my back and made me feel so much better. Amazing how God knows just what you need and then some.

6. We are looking forward to a weekend in GF with some family this long weekend. We need to get away... worried about sleep with all 5 of us in one room but praying it will just work out. The boys don't know yet.. last time we told them we were going somewhere they were too excited to sleep at night so we plan to tell them Saturday morning when we leave.. lol.

7. We had a great Valentine's day.. Dave took us out for supper and he stayed home from Badminton to hang out with me.. We enjoyed watching Top Chef together. Lovely live.

8. My boys have taken a liking to talking to Grandma D and Abuello in Ontario.. both so different. Noah paces around the house while he talks. Ari lays on the couch and last night he looked like this...

love day

It's my fault really.. I LOVE valentine's day. I think it's fun to decorate with hearts and remember those we love. I have been building it up with the boys too. We have enjoyed writing Valentine's to their friends and we even made mailboxes to collect them in.

We made a couple lovely garlands and we opened up a special package from Ontario filled with Valentine's love... (thank you!). Sweet Ruby not only gave them a Valentine but a sucker to boot.. now that is love.

Today they left for Sunday School, Valentine's clutched in their hands. The boys had written their own names and were excited to pass them out. More than that they have anticipated filling their little boxes with Valentine's from their friends.. cause of course mom that I am told them all their friends would be handing them out too.... my sweet boys came out of SS empty handed. Not ONE valentine. We had a nice talk about how it is a blessing to be the giver. They moved on... but I am sad. I feel horrible for building it up totally expecting other kids would want to pass on the simplicity of a little V-day love.

Thankfully Tuesday they go to Shirley's and hopefully will have more luck. They still have the cards they got last year from their friends there and love looking at them.

I love the sentiment of Valentine's Day.. not only for lovers but just for the lovely notion that giving a little card makes the giver smile :) I am glad I learned that lesson today from my sweet boys. My Valentine's.

hello cowboy

according to Dave cowboys don't say hello so he wanted the title of this post to be "howdy cowboy" or "hey there cowboy"... you get the picture.

discovery

It's been a rough week for me. Maybe it's the lack of sleep or the needy baby on my hip. I have just been low. I have been on a journey the last few months.. one that has allowed me to see myself. I am really learning how to shine on the inside. A friend told me that she has seen it on the outside too. I have been digging deep with God. Just learning how to be friends again. I have been making changes in my life in many areas. It's refreshing. Just a reminder of what's at stake... Of what's important. People say it's not how you get somewhere it's just that you arrive. I don't believe it.. I think the journey is the most important part. I want my journey to count for something... stay tuned for big changes. On the inside and the outside.

baby jett

we have discussed numerous times when we will stop calling him baby jett... it's just habit. it'll probably stick for awhile.

this guy is pure joy. he freely gives smiles and is generally just pretty happy. and if he's not happy all you gotta do is put him in front of his papa and he's a happy guy. papa is by far his favorite person (of course other than me... cause I have the milk he wants)

at almost 8 months he has been crawling now for a little while and when he doesn't feel like crawling he rolls from place to place. he's pretty quick too. he can roll around a room pretty quickly.

he loves food. pretty much anything you give him.. he pretty much eats what we eat. his favorite thing though currently is banana's.

he is suffering through his first ear infection which has made him sad at moments.

he loves anything rubber... by far his favorite thing to put in his mouth and play with is his daddy's rubber band for stretching.

he really like to sit and watch his big brothers run around him. you can tell he is just itching to run after them. they LOVE him so much. eager to help me get him things or watch out for him while i exercise or grab a shower. they are very dependable where Jett is concerned.

he fits in perfectly with our family and it's hard to imagine life without him. crazy to think that he has been here for 8 months already. how could you not love this face??

what i am learning

The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn't hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough
To keep the voices in my head
From stealing my peace

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

I'm letting go of the illusion
I'm letting go of the confusion
I can't carry it another step
I close my eyes and take a breath
I'm letting go, letting go

There were scars before my scars
Love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go...
Control
It's time, time to let you go

~JJ Heller

around here

we read books in boats

we fold lots and lots of laundry

we pick out paint colors for our master bedroom. love.

we take silly pictures

we build playmobil cities.

we are constantly building tents

we get daddy time.

we manage to find time to scrapbook

we get tired after a busy day at Shirly's.

we blow raspberries.

never a dull moment at the difrancesco's. happy thursday.

exploration

i have always been creative. it keeps me going. the energy is good. it speaks to me.. "you belong here. this is what you were made for. " i always feel a deep sense of belonging. a reawakening of those senses.

somedays it's hard. somedays i am tired. creative living is about moving out of that comfort zone and being brave with your work and authentic self. motherhood is about the life long process of giving and giving and letting go. taking care of my body is about managing hunger and desire. relationships, especially with loved ones are about the intricasies of give and take.

living is constantly moving and changing and so often uncomfortable…

i don’t want to. i need more. i feel tired. i am hungry. i feel afraid. i am unsure. i can’t wait. this is really difficult. i really want that.

so i’ve decided that in order to pour myself into all the aspects of my life that i would like to see thrive and shine (which is pretty much everything), i have to say yes to discomfort and let go of the notion of balance. i am learning bit by bit that i can handle more discomfort than i think, gotta keep moving forward. so in an effort to put this all into perspective i am thinking about taking a big risk... a big step in my process to inspire others to live a creative life (however that looks for them), to dig deep and shine.

thinking about it.... until the next wave of fear takes over....

bloglovin'

If you are like me... you have many blogs you read. It can be overwhelming. I can't believe it took me so long to find Google Reader. Although I still found it to be flawed... and then today I discovered Bloglovin. It's a beautiful thing.

It's a great tool for keeping up with all of your favorite stops. It's different then Google Reader - i'ts much simpler and quicker for me to use. Instead of scrolling through all the posts you get a quick title, photo and opening paragraph for each post. It's much easier to find the posts that you want to read. The other great thing that I LOVE is that when you click through to read the post it takes you to the actual blog.. I missed that with Google Reader. People work hard to design there blogs so I love actually seeing them. You also have the option to 'like' favorite posts to bookmark them for later. It's great. I have already found some great blogs that I would not be following otherwise... win win. If you need a great way to organize your time.. this is for you.

a little inspiration

I need some. Today has not been my shiniest day. Sometimes dreaming is what gets me through.

1. Pantone came out with the 2011 color of the year. Honeysuckle. I love it. We're pretty un-girlie over here... but that sure would brighten things up. I'd love to see punches of it here and there..

2. This is the inspiration for something already in the works for my dining room... stay tuned it's a good one :) If you havn't already you should be checking out Dana at House*Tweaking.

3. Be still my beating heart. I have been gathering ideas to redo our bedroom. With a non existant budget it's going to be interesting. We need to paint first.. hopefully in the next month or so :) The one thing I want to buy will be new bedding. Just something I rarely buy... then I saw this... I have it in my cart and have almost clicked finish so many times. I mean it's a steal on sale for 54.99 and 20% off.... Can you see my dilema?? See it HERE.

4. I am slightly obsessed with wallpaper lately.. I want to wallpaper everything.

Ferm Living is horrible for me.. so many beautiful choices. Or then there is this one.. eek lovely.

5. Yes please. All of it. (Anthropolgie Oct '10)

6. I thought the Winter lookbook from Ruche was beautiful. This is my favorite page.. love the styling. It just jumped out at me. I definitely have the itch to shop... where is that money tree again??

What has you inspired lately?

i am rich.

I am so glad that you have come.

I will pour out everything inside me so that you may leave

this table satisfied and fortified.

Blessings on your eyes.

Blessings on your children.

Blessings on the ground beneath you.

My heart is a ladle of sweet water, brimming over.

The Red Tent, Anita Diamanti

her.

it's funny how a new year can bring about all sorts of pondering... ideas for a new year. saying goodbye to the old. a feeling of kicking all that baggage your carrying around in the ass.

These past few months have been heavy, exhilarating, depressing, joyous.

I have felt high and very low.

I've barely slept yet been given so many new and old dreams.

There is one I want to share... not sure why I want to share it here. This is my safe place... this is where my thoughts pool together. I have no idea what this means and where this will take us. Every day it seems more and more impossible to figure out. but daily my mantra from 2008 reminds me "small adjustments make huge miracles"

There is a scrap of paper in my journal from January 2008... I can't remember where I was when I wrote it but I sure remember the dream that prompted it.

I don't dream often.. at least not ones I remember. But I remember what the sky looked like. I remember the sound of the water rushing past. I remember the tree. It was beautiful. It was strong and bright, bright green. The leaves were full. I remember the way they seemed to float in the sky... the way the wind sounded. I remember the smell of fresh grass. I will never forget the sound... her small voice and the sweet laugh that came from her mouth. She wore a red dress. She danced in this beautiful garden. I never saw her face. But the instant I woke up I knew her name. It was on my lips. It was on His. Eden.

The morning after that dream I was given a verse. See, I was far God at this time.. the dream seemed so intricate. It should have left me full of questions but it sat peacefully in the depth of my heart... " The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; He will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and Gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing"

When we were pregnant this last time. I was filled with anticipation... this was the fulfillment of this dream for me.. I had seen her face.. He has given me her name. But this was not meant to be for this time. The one I was carrying would not be a girl. It's left me with questions... was this little one not mine? Was it to be for someone else? Even now as I think of her all the time and wonder what she means for our family... as we make decisions to not get pregnant again...

Who is she? Is our Eden meant for someone else? Or will she come in a way we can not grasp at this time?

I sit here and play the old songs, dream the same dreams... revisit those deep deep wells... Are there dreams you have left behind? ... ones that may need to be dusted off?.... all these things are inspiring me to sparkle this year. to SHINE.

one little word.

Well darkness only exists so that the stars can shine, darling.

I have chosen a word for a few years. You can read about them: 2008, 2009, and for some reason I didn't blog about my word for 2010. Although I did choose one around my birthday that signified my year so you can see that here. I guess with moving and pregnancy life got away from me.

This year my word found me. It reminds me to live it and to let it surround me. to let it guide me. to embrace it fully unashamed and with wholeness. This year I will Shine. and not only will I Shine but I will let the whole world see.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us"

Marianne Williamson.

living gift

this christmas was rich. i was given many beautiful, thoughtful gifts. there was a special gift. it not only suited me perfectly but it filled my soul. my beautiful friend lisa gave me a blessing. the gift of empowerment was given in my name.

"know as "survivors", the women in MCC's Pobitra program receive much more than handicraft training. They are offered an environment of respect and support where they are able to begin new lives. Victims of Bangladesh's sex trade, the women take part in an eight-month vocational training program that also educates about health and hygiene, mental health, human rights, peace and literacy. The programs name Pobitra means "holiness, sanctity, the fresh cleanliness of a newborn." To join the program, women make a public commitment to embrace new opportunities and on completion, are given a blue sari to symbolize their rebirth. Many of the program's graduates produce handmade natural soaps at Sacred Mark, an enterprise developed by MCC in Bangladesh.

Your gift of empowerment gives women in Bangladesh the capacity to start over, learn vocational skills and find new sources of employment."

Beautiful. Perfect. Thankful. And wrapped was this lovely bar of soap handcrafted by women in the red light district who have made a clean break from their previous lifestyle and have chosen soapmaking as an alternative source of income.

"O let me wear secretly... the sacred mark impressed by your own hand"

What were some of your favorite gifts this year?

Jett.

discover. your world. stay tuned later this week for a post dedicated just to this guy.

handmade

I gave quite a few home made gifts this year. I so enjoy the process and of course the end result. One of my new favorite things is stenciling with freezer paper. The possibilities are endless! I am in love with the whole Silhouette thing and decided that's what I wanted to do to give to my parents for Christmas ..

It really was simple. I took pictures of the boys from the side.

My super good looking assistant (the stallion) traced each image onto the freezer paper and then using a knife cut around the image. The hardest part was finding PLAIN white tea towels. I searched everywhere. I finally found a pack of bar towels at Home Outfitters. I took the image and ironed it on. This is where the genius of freezer paper comes into play. It's awesome.

I found spray fabric paint in black and sprayed it on. I took the stencil off pretty much right away and then I allowed it to dry for a few days.

After they were done I sewed on some ribbon to the bottom to make them just a bit more special. I am super happy with the way they turned out. I made a set for the in laws too.

And come on look at that first one.. that chubby chin. So cute.