seven

Being a mother has meant learning about the strengths I didn't know I had and dealing with fears I didn't know existed.

Not all easy. I read on pintrest the other day the days are long but the years are short... and as I reflect on the crazy fact that my boys are SEVEN I can totally relate to that statement.

Noah:
You are passionate, creative, imaginative. You want to be just like your Dad... haircut and all. You prefer to do things you are good at... sometimes you want to do things well or not at all.
You are goofy and funny and love to make people laugh. I love how I can usually count on you to play with Jett and although I know sometimes having a little brother cramps your style I see maturity in you as you teach him things. You LOVE your friends.. your buddies are so important to you. Let me tell you I hope you foster that special quality... loyalty and friendship are so important in life. Keep your friends a big deal to you.
Although you love others you also have a great ability to play alone and don't mind quiet time to yourself.
I enjoy ending the day singing our special three songs and giving you scratchies as I cuddle up against you.
I pray you would continue to find who you are and celebrate those things.. never take not knowing something as a sign of weakness but as a sign to grow. You are capable of so much and you care deeply for others. I am proud of you Noah.

Ari:
Oh my sweet sweet Ari with your beautiful long curly hair. You are so easy with you love and affection. Always willing to give me your hugs and tell me that you love me more than the whole universe. A million kisses at night. Special times.
You are an avid collector and see things as precious. Any thing you receive or find is found a special place in your many collection keepers.
You have a special sensitive side that I want to protect and nurture.. Its a gift to feel deeply for others and to care about things more than yourself.
You also gained a bit more of your Dad in your easy going nature (for the most part).
While Noah often talks about his buddies you my child focus on the ladies.. your stories from school are mostly about your girl friends.. they are special to you and I love how you talk about them with such fondness... at least for now... ;)
You don't like to be alone. You love to be with others.
I see you and I hear you Ari.. I know that's so important to you. Do you know just how special you are? I see you wanting to impress and you seek positive affirmation. I pray we can continue to build that up in you that you see just how special and loved you are. I pray that you will continue to treasure the soft spots in your heart and that this world won't make you feel you have to hide that away. Caring and empathy are special gifts. Yours to share. I am proud of you Ari.

To the both of you:

I am thankful. So thankful that I get to be your mom. I know at times we don't see eye to eye and although parenting is the toughest thing I have ever done you make me proud... I peeked in at you tonight as you lay all silent in your beds and was reminded of how special each moment is. I only pray I can help you develop your strengths and your individuality. You are both so different and yet so much the same. It's incredible to watch you develop your relationship with each other and also with your separate friends. Happy Birthday my boys.  

Now this is funny. First pic taken the day we took them home from the hospital and the second picture taken the eve of their seventh birthday. 

What's on your....

Loved this list of “what’s on your…” that Ali Edwards posted a few weeks ago as an updated version of many of those list-style memes that travel around the interwebs.

Here’s what’s on my…

VANITY | I don’t have a vanity. I do have a "table" in my bathroom that has my make up in a basket, all my various hair products and my jewellery which right now consist of necklace and bracelet storage on a hanging cork board and my earrings and rings in an ice cube tray...

TO DO LIST |  organize the basement, purge closets, sell clothes the boys have outgrown, clean out the back entrance... again. oh and organize and get rid of crap in the pantry. 

REFRIGERATOR SHELVES | , strawberries, greek yogurt, cut up veggies, taco meat, lettuce, leftover squash curry soup, coconut rice, and many other random things. 

PLAYLIST | I usually turn to Songza when I am at home.. a few playlists I frequent. Modern Worship, Acoustic versions of Pop Songs, Country Crossover Kings and Coldplay and More. 

NIGHTSTAND | Too many books. Some that have been there for months. Lip balm, kleenex and a lamp.

WORKOUT PLAN | Bootcamp Monday & Wednesday night. I do a variety of different stuff Tues, Thurs & Fri or Sat mornings. Loving Pure Burn Strength and Yoga warrior. I do try to get out for a run once per week now that it's nice.  That’s the plan anyway. 

IPHONE | Instagram, Texts.

TOP 5 LIST | Being at home, Nights on the couch with the Stallion, warm summer nights, dirty feet and hands, chubby hands that wrap around my neck and give me hugs all day long.

BUCKET LIST | More travel. Seeing friends spread out far and wide. Being content.

MIND | Lots of  healing working in my heart and mind. Less Sabotage. Letting stuff go. Opening up. Figuring out my insides. Being thankful.   

BLOGROLL | too many to list.

WALLS OF YOUR FAVORITE ROOM IN YOUR HOUSE | . Most rooms are either white or a light light grey. Can't remember the names right now and don't feel like finding out... Most of the house is Benjamin Moore with the exception of the kitchen which is all Sarah Richardson paint.

LIQUOR SHELF | beer & wine

LAST CREDIT CARD STATEMENT | Fargo fun from last weekend.  

TV EVERY NIGHT | Depends on the night. We have a few regulars as a couple: Chicago Fire, Survivor & Scandal. I am still watching Grey's and we love watching New Girl.. almost done Season 1.

Your turn.

the making of a mama

It does technically happen over night.. one minute you are not a mom and then all of a sudden there you are... but it really happens over time. At least I think so.. I am much more of a mom now then I was when I first started.. I like to believe I grow, evolve, change and adapt. I am filled with more love, more patience and more grace then when I first started my journey of motherhood. They have taught me so much in the last seven years... I hope I never arrive... I hope I continue to be molded and changed and I hope that they and I continue to learn from each other.

When we moved to our current house almost 4 years ago I started a tradition... on Mother's Day and Father's Day a picture on the front steps.. so for fun here is the making of a mama...

2010

2011

2012

2013

Being a mom is hardwork. I am always in repair.  I do not have it all together and never gonna get there.. but I am doing the best with what I have.. these three love me. My heart is full. Love.

wordless wednesday

try hard life

I am not feeling balanced lately... feel like I need to let go a bit more. Of the try hard part of life anyways. Purge... physically, mentally and emotionally.

I have a confession to make.. I have not been blogging cause I am unsure this is the best platform for me anymore...  I want to be honest, vulnerable.. you all know it's one of the most important things to me but I feel like if I am honest people will misunderstand or.. something. I do not feel like I can be as honest as I would like... this week I was accused of being something that goes completely against my character and while I want to validate people's feelings sometimes people's perceptions of things are off and can label you as something you are not.

I spoke to a group of Gr 7/8 girls a few months ago and it went SO well. I felt like God gave me some amazing things to share and I was challenged for sure. I talked alot about hiding and the things we hide behind.. our fears, our insecurities, shame, our character. I have thought so much about what I have hidden behind.. my fear of being really seen, of being too much. I want to be free.. to let go of the try hard life.

Lately a struggle I have been having is where that self acceptance comes from... I am the queen of self sabotage.. seriously a wonder to be seen. I feel like I have taken a few steps back in this area compared to where I was even a few months ago.. feeling so insecure in myself. It's actually surprised me and I am convinced it's the dreaded word.. it's a pattern that the word I choose even before the new year starts really dictates what I learn, where I pull things from and how I wound myself. Worthy.. pretty big word. BUT the best part is that every year I work through it and I LEARN and most of the time I CONQUER.

Anyways back to the struggle. Seems I have put so much emphasis on the physical stuff.. like having the cutest clothes, or getting to my goal weight or what I look like will give me that self acceptance. Bull shit. It's impossible. I know that... nothing I do to myself will make me happy.. the power is inside me.

I have recently become part of a small group... a group of women who for some reason or other connect. Like really connect. We are all SO different yet when we are together we can be ourselves. Honest, vulnerable, silly and there is zero competition... zero judging. I never feel bad when I leave always uplifted and as if I am a part of something so special. They have taught me to have more courage, that mistakes are mistakes... move on, they have taught me that even when faced with a whole crap load of mess - it's in the messy that we grow, that we can be nurtured and that we can reach out to Jesus and HE will be there. I have also had an incredible time remembering where I have come from... remembering what it was like to travel to desolate places and how the fat around my belly keeps me from remembering the fact that people don't even have clean water or food to eat. Seriously. What is wrong with me??

So in full disclosure I am struggling here with what to write and how you will take it. I am ok I am not in a place of needing to be fixed.. I am just in a place of discovering that what I look like, or how you perceive me just needs to go away. If I can't be honest and vulnerable then this is not the platform for me. I don't want a perfect picture... If I ever get to complete perfection and happiness something is very wrong. I have another blog post rolling around in my head about integrity but I'll save that for another day. I hope to continue on here.. if anyone is actually still reading.. and if not well then I guess I can be more open and vulnerable cause no one will care.. haha.

Thankful for a space to write and share.

5-9/52

well ok I'm behind.. what else is new. there is truth behind why I leave my blog alone these days... maybe I'll spill the beans in another post but for now.. here are some shots to catch me up.. I will get better at my 52 week series... well hopefully.

long weekend

I am behind in posting my 52 shots... although I have been doing them. Getting them to the blog is a different story. I'll get them up this week.

We went away for the long weekend .. it's an evolved family tradition and this one was by far the best one yet. I LOVE my family and we had such an awesome time.... the hotel we picked was AMAZING. pretty sure with kids we will never stay anywhere else. Such a great time.

The boys took full advantage of Grandma & Papa's Jacquizzi suite. It was awesome!

The Stallion was a tad embarrassed... lol.

All parts of our trip were amazing... ok other than maybe the first nights supper out... and although being stormed in for one extra night was not planned we made the best of it.

So thankful we got to spend the weekend just hanging out and being with my family.