Sunday, May 22, 2016

a decade

I went through the archives this week reading through the moments ten years ago that made me a mom. I have tried to think back to that time and remember if I felt ready. Present day I never feel ready for all that comes with parenting. The days of tiny humans is long over in our house but I feel all sorts surrounding the task of raising growing humans.

When I had Noah & Ari I didn't really know anyone else with twins. It was so overwhelming. I am so thankful for this blog because for me that first year is not a vivid memory for me.. it was lots of days filled with survival and more sadness and crazy than I had space for. I do remember having my mom tell me when the twins turned one that the party was really for us.. we had made it.

And each year I hear her say that.. we made it. And now today. It's been a whole decade. Of scary, awesome, sad and joyful moments.

Being a mom actually means more to me now than it did before and for sure means more than it did when they were little. Our relationship has changed - I have to give up more control than I ever realized. Lara Casey (author of Make it Happen) said this the other day and I love it.

"She believed she could so she did" is lovely and instills confidence, but that doesn't last. I know a deeper truth. She believed she couldn't, so He did. I've made every "mistake," and I'm grateful because my falls led me to freedom. If God is your boss, there's no shame for all those imperfections, sister. There's just grace."

It speaks truth to my soul as I wake up each day imperfect in my motherhood but yet in awe of these boys who challenge me, surprise me and love big.

Ari - firstborn. Your compassion and love for life drives you. The start of this school year was tough on you and I am more than proud of all you have done and what you have pursued. You didn't give up and you worked hard. You are flying now! That is going to go a long way in your life. This afternoon when we walked outside you grabbed my hand and as I sat here to write it stuck out to me cause you always take time to grab my hand, hug me or tell me you love me. You care about others and don't have allegiance to any one particular person but love them all. Competition is not something that rates high on your life scale and it's part of what makes you care deeply for others and have an empathy that I value as part of who you are. I think you are going to be a champion for others and call out the good in those who don't quite see it in themselves. You started out life small and I know being a twin and constantly compared is not always easy but I see BIG life for you my boy.

Noah - You are a leader. People want to follow you. You are fun and full of life. You love your people and want to do good - I'm proud of you for realizing that what you do today and how you invest your time will produce lasting, tangible things for your life. A couple weeks ago when we went on a walk just the two of us I was struck by how much you crave one on one time - being a twin is not always easy and you have so much you want to say. I loved our conversation and the simplicity of just being together. You are a creature of habit and I love seeing you push yourself out of those things that make you comfortable.. reminds me of your Dad when we first met. You love excitement and being apart of the action of all things life.

I sat here and read those two paragraphs and realized you are both the best parts of your Dad and me and also uniquely your own. Gosh what an amazing thing! It honestly blows my mind that I get to be a part of this. Your stories. I can't wait to look back at the chapters but I am most looking forward to watching each page get filled.

I pray that you will continue to keep these things in your heart: there is nothing more important than showing up and putting yourself out there. To be seen. I want you to dare to live your life and not be selfish. To think of others first, show compassion, be love, teach humility, to be able to be wrong and to know your footprint on this world will have impact.

You are worthy of love... no matter what you wear or how much you look like each other. Your stories are entwined for sure but you each have your own book! You belong to that.

I celebrate this last decade with more passion and excitement than ever before. I celebrate each of you for who you are and who you are becoming. Happy 10th birthday Noah & Ari. Double Digits. This mama is proud and so thankful you help me each day see myself as worthy of the title mom.

Friday, January 01, 2016

one little word: twenty sixteen

Choosing my one little word each year has been something that has shaped me. It's being present and awake and stepping up to be my best self physically, emotionally, spiritually, creatively and within my relationships.

I feel its so important to establish what I am longing for and looking for this year. I am not into making resolutions - not many seem to ever stick and I also don't' need another thing I feel I have to live up to. That just sounds stressful. It's something I can look to as a yardstick to measure life by.

The process is always different.. this year it came easily. As I reflected on the past 8 years I just knew. You can read up on my past words:   2008: Simplify2009: Choose2010: Present,  2011: Shine2012: Authenticity,  2013: Worthy2014: Enough2015: She Who Is Brave Is Free

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. ~Brene Brown

Light is energy that makes it possible to see things. Something that makes vision possible, to ignite something. I feel this is the culmination of so many things that have led me to this moment in time. I have had some powerful words and dreams spoken over my life and to me walking into the light is being brave... I sing because I am free. His eye is on ME. 

Matthew 5:4 BE the LIGHT. Let your LIGHT SHINE

Chase the light.. wherever and whatever it may be for you. Chase it.
If you want light to come into your life you gotta stand where it's shining

For more info on where One Little Word started head over to Ali Edwards blog:

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

One Little Word 2016 #olwhd

So like I have done for the past 8 years I am putting myself out there. One Little Word. It's been so symbolic for me. Shaping my life. The Power of words is not something to underestimate.

I have had years where it has jumped out at me.. years I had to wait till the final hour.. but ALWAYS it shaped me and it's been brilliant to follow through the years and see the faithfulness of God in each word. I want to experience this with you!

Join me this year! Follow me on IG and use #olwhd

I will be gifting three people with gifts from MantraBand, Maehandmade and Sacred Arrow. I can't wait to see your story unfold!

You can read my past choices: 2008: Simplify, 2009: Choose, 2010: Present,  2011: Shine, 2012: Authenticity,  2013: Worthy, 2014: Enough, 2015: She Who Is Brave Is Free

Saturday, March 21, 2015

one who rises

I am deeply impacted by books, music & movies.. the emotional part of me either can get lost in the romance, unpredictability, adventure and movement and the part of me that doesn't want to conform rises up and loves something to stand for.

Today I saw Insurgent - I loved the books and loved the first movie and could not wait for the second. I was having a hard time remembering the book and went into this one forgetting a lot.. I'm going to go deep here but God really spoke to me through this movie.. more than I even realized.. as I drove home I burst into tears.. If you have not seen it I am not going to necessarily spoil it for you but my perspective correlates to the end of the move.

Tris struggles in this movie over what has happened to those she loves - she blames herself for not being able to protect them and she feels everyone who comes in contact with her will get hurt... She is unable to forgive herself and let go... I have been praying into the tendency I have in my life to self sabotage. It causes me to feel unworthy, unloved, misunderstood and lets doubt creep in.. like my beautiful friend Crystal says you gotta BENCH those thoughts.. don't even let them suit up. They can't play..

ok so near the end Tris has to conquer a simulator and she has to fight herself... and in order to win the sim she learns she actually has to put her fists down and forgive herself.. let go and the self who is facing her and wants to destroy her.. can't. It has no power.. And in all love and beauty of the movie this realization not only sets her free but it allows the factions to learn the truth that they were all an experiment and there is so much more for them beyond the wall than they ever realized.. they are free...

of course in true movie fashion the music and the people streaming out of the buildings it all evokes emotion in me.. but as I sat there wanting to see SO badly what was on the other side of the wall I thought.. she had to let it go, forgive herself and be free. And then guys they are just all rushing towards the wall cause they all want whats over there.. just keep going!!

Passion evokes purpose. This has never been more true than in this season of my life. I am passionate and have more purpose than ever before but it's in these times that we have to suit up and realize the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. Being brave is being free. What an incredible opportunity we have.

I plan to be a world changer. I plan to move forward. I also plan to remember my worth and who I am. Take captive every thought and be FREE. SO much more is coming. SO much more.

Thursday, January 01, 2015

Hello 2015 - a twist on one little word.

Choosing my one little word each year has been something that has shaped me. It's being present and awake and stepping up to be my best self physically, emotionally, spiritually, creatively and within my relationships.
I am never looking for perfection. But I want to choose to let go of things outside of my control and to figure out who the best-me-right-now really is.
I am always thinking about my journey  My word is always there, in front of me, and each year it evolves a little more. My goal is to move forward even when I can see and hear my fear and apprehension staring me in the face. I commit to engage in my choices this year.. to be brave in my Spirit so it leads me. The past two years I  have waded through being worthy and becoming enough. It's time to soar baby.. time to be FREE.
I admit I have never had the process be as unclear as it was this year... I just could not choose. I was wavering between two words and usually it is so clear.. sometimes a whisper and sometimes a shout. I went to bed saying goodbye to 2014 and praying for a dream or a sign or something to show me which way to go... I woke up with a statement. Since this past year has been about not comparing, not worrying about this or that.. I figured I could break the mold this year (maybe telling of what is to come). SO I bring you my one little statement for 2015. 
She who is BRAVE is FREE.
Boom. 2015 is going to blow my mind. Not going to be afraid to fall cause I have a feeling I am going to soar!

Sunday, September 28, 2014


I just spent the last while looking through each birthday post. You all know how much I love birthdays. Something about the feeling of looking back over the year.. but you know the part I like the most is the anticipation of looking FORWARD.

I am like a fine wine. I most definitely get better with age. Last year I was settling into my season of waiting.. of doing nothing... of just being.. worthy. It was a time of huge growth for me.. This is what I wrote on the eve of my 34th birthday...

my heart says yes

on the eve of my 34th birthday.

dear heather,

what if every day were the perfect day to finally be exactly who you were always meant to be? What if everything you ever wanted was just on the other side of fear? what if inside you was a place to be happy, pure, simple and full of joy... yes I know amidst the chaos of life. would you believe it's possible? what if instead of perfection you held yourself to the highest standard of grace? that would be incredible wouldn't it? you are bright. what if you did everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to live any other way. let this truth sink in. you are confined only by the walls you build yourself. big truth. i think it's time to find your wings. to soar. i know you love birthdays.. you are quick to say each year you get better. it's life lived that causes you to re-evaluate your decisions, to learn from them, to grow and to move forward. you have done alot of moving forward this past year.. i know some of it has been hard and i am proud of the way you have allowed yourself to not be a victim anymore. it wasn't easy but i am so proud of you.

please trust in the process of not being a doer but soaking in being. just being.

cheers to the best year yet.

What a beautiful thing for my heart to read this. Since then life has CHANGED... I have been filled with purpose and passion like never before. I feel more alive today than ever before. I feel like each season of my life has prepped me for this. I am standing on sacred ground for me cause the only way I could have gotten here is with God.. with letting go of what I thought I wanted and letting Him lay new opportunities in my lap. I have given each moment over and allowed myself to be led.

In some ways this last year has been one of ups and downs. The season of waiting that followed my birthday last year helped me grow and when it was time for me to come out of that I was set on a fast forward in some ways.. But through all of it I look in anticipation at the bigger picture. My Why has become more important than ever.

I have always been passionate about helping people.
I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and won't stop now.
I have always wanted to matter. The difference is now I don't really care what other people think I know I matter.

So for my 35th year.. wow how can it get better... Each day it's surpassing my expectations. I think I want to take it all in.. to really enjoy where I am at. So much to be thankful for: family, friends, health, wellness, the freedom to stay home, my business and the community I have found there which has breathed new life into me, for thriving and refusing to stay stuck.

Our message in church today rocked my socks... I wanna run this race to WIN. To populate heaven and do more than just sit and watch life pass by.. to not stay in the same place cause it feels comfortable. We are made for SO much more. Don't just sit and watch.. participate, act, serve.. What drives you? What gives you life?

I anticipate an amazing year.. already filled with so many new adventures I never dreamed possible. For new friendships fuller and deeper than ever before. And for GROWTH.. I have learned we must keep growing, changing, learning.. to stay the same and closed off blah.. I don't want it.

I want to be free. Soaring has begun and I am only going up.

Join me? Come on.. you know you wanna....

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

with hope

the odds don't matter. 

what a beautiful statement and relates so well to all aspects of life. I read it on a blog and not only did it resonate with me but so did the personal story of Heather Von St. James. She is a vibrant blogger who has dedicated her life to raising awareness for Mesothelioma. Just in case like me you were not aware what that is.. Mesothelioma is a cancer caused by exposure to asbestos. It carries a poor prognosis and early detection is key! 

Most people who develop mesothelioma have worked in jobs where they inhaled or ingested asbestos fibers, or were exposed to airborne asbestos dust and fibers in other ways. Washing clothes of a family member who worked with asbestos also creates a risk for developing mesothelioma. 

This story hit home for me and has a personal twist. My Grandpa was an electrician and my Dad spent many many hours as a young kid crawling around attics with my Grandpa. It was a trade he would do till he retired a few years ago. Last year he was dealing with some lung issues and the end result of that is a spot in his lungs that they equate to being there from too much exposure to Asbestos. Thankfully his are diagnosed as Pleural Plagues around his lung area. They do an annual CT scan and so far believe it's scar tissues.. so while we are thankful there are SO many who are not so lucky. So I am happy to share with you that...

September 26th is the 10th annual Mesothelioma Awareness Day. Awareness is key..I have found in my own journey to health & wellness.. so much we don't know keeps us from acting in a positive way. So please read Heather's story here at her blog

I have been reading a lot about the disease and the struggles people with this disease go through and what hits me is the isolation that comes with disease. I think it's true for all disease and unless we are willing to share it with others we will remain alone. It's true of my struggle with mental illness and depression.. although mine is not severe it's still a constant battle of the mind and allowing myself to be alone and not share keeps me in the dark and worse than that it keeps others in the dark thinking they need to struggle through disease alone.. That should never be the case. So as a blogger I am joining in a community of like minded people to bring you some facts.

Asbestos kills more than 100,000 people annually.
It often takes 20 years after exposure for the first sign of sickness to hit.
And I ashamed to say Canada is still exporting Asbestos today. 

So lets not be silent.
Raising awareness is key. Raise your voice.