Wednesday, August 28, 2013


Sometimes all you need is one person that shows you its okay to let your guard down, be yourself, and love with no regrets. I often wish I could see myself through the Stallions eyes.. I am starting to believe the magic of it. I am a lucky woman and to celebrate nine years makes me thankful. Thankful I took a chance on allowing myself to let my guard down and love with all my heart. After many moves, painful good byes, joyous hello's, meaning full friendships, three amazing kids, deep deep rough waters, beautiful highs... through all of it I can't imagine doing life without you. Cheers to a million more years.

On our wedding day I walked down the isle to a song a friend of mine from Seattle wrote and the words mean more and more every day.

The Stars are Beautiful

Back when you know she just won't leave and you want to stay in the shade of her tree and make your house into a home
When this love doesn’t need a lock you can unlock doors and share a single straw
Close your eyes in a crowded room let go of it all cause more is coming soon
If I wait all night long and they don’t show I know even while I sleep I know the stars are beautiful

The world is small but not enough to get away from this amazing love
So walk as far as you can hear the bells and make a shade for someone else
Cause when this love finally came along curvy roads went strait and broken things were made strong and hand and hand we could reach the sun or just run or just run

If I wait all night long and they don’t show I know even while I sleep I know the stars are beautiful

And if the house lights are left on and the city walls are just too tall I won’t forget what I cannot see you have and always will love me
The stars are beautiful.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

ode to August

August is almost over and it's been a good month. We have found our summer groove and it's been nice to not have as many plans and spend time at the beach, park or wherever else life takes us.

We even got to go away for a few days and spend time together as a family away from home with some friends. We unplugged and enjoyed the outdoors. Boys loved it!

This summer has been full: Swimming lessons, Sports camp, Overnight at camp, Meeting new cousins and spending time with them and lots of beach days!

There have been some disappointing parts of my summer and they left me lonely at times but I read a quote by Rold Dahl about a week ago that said " If you have good thoughts,  they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely" I have quickly turned my disappointment and hurt away and grabbed hold of truth. Sometimes it's not me... other people have choices to make and I can only have good thoughts.. and I can shine from those! I also have had so many great conversations around my big heavy blog post a few weeks ago. Amazing to hear other women share from their heart... I realize going into fall and moving forward that's what matters.. those honest, heart moments. I want to be available to hear those honest, raw, vulnerable moments of people's lives. As we start a new chapter and move towards school, routine and the like I have decided on a new mantra.. pure, simple, happy, honest.

Oh it's gonna be a good one.

Saturday, August 03, 2013


Honestly I feel lighter since my posts this week.. It's amazing what opening up and freeing your soul of unwanted chaos can do for a person. Should have done it long ago.

The Stallion is on holidays and as a family we are looking forward to a camping trip this week. Boys have been asking every day if today is the day.. Jett carries around his camping chair everywhere he goes just in case where he ends up is "camping" I am looking forward to going off the grid and just enjoying some quiet space. Sometimes we get to wrapped up in our stuff... too many toys.. it will be good to be outside and enjoy it with no distractions.

So I'll be back later next week. Happy long weekend!

Friday, August 02, 2013


245 views my post got yesterday. I received so many messages of love, acceptance and just real people being able to either relate or give words of love and encouragement.  A sweet friend of mine wrote one her blog this statement and it resonates with me so much.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by real people. Living intentionally, trading in expectations and impressions for honest authenticity. I’m inspired.

 I love this.

I was able to go to a memorial held at the forks yesterday organized by my cousin. She was prompted to do something to honour the memory of Lisa Gibson and her two children. It was beautiful, intentional and real. Lots of moms, families, most of them probably didn't know the Gibson's personally but all felt led to do something.. we lit candles and one by one put white flowers in the dark murky waters of the Red River where only a few days before Lisa's body was found. The flowers swirled around in these dark waters and it was a sign of hope. I was impacted by all the people who walked away from the River with tears flowing down there cheeks. It was space for people to talk, hug, cry and just realize that so many are touched with mental illness themselves or they know someone who is struggling. I left feeling like I was a part of something so beautiful.

I want to continue to talk.. to share from who I am. Some people are afraid of their feelings and the way it will look... even yesterday I took that post down 4 times.... At lunch I cried and shared with the Stallion how hard it was to be open and after he read the post he hugged me and told me he was proud of me. He reminded me I feel deeply.. the highs and the lows and that is what makes me who I am. I was honoured to hold hands with him last night as we threw our white flowers into the Red River. A symbol of light in darkness.

I wanna shine light.

Thursday, August 01, 2013

It's always darkest before the dawn.

My summer has been tough... I often sit on my couch flustered, overwhelmed and look around at all the things I should be doing. The guilt takes over and pushes me further and further down. I often feel like when I am at home I am in a deep dark hole. Even now as my needy toddler screams from his crib where he has been put for the 100th time out today.. I feel it.

For the last 7 years it's been a bit like that.. not always of course and it comes in seasons for me. I remember all I ever wanted was to be a mom... what else would I be? The Stallion and I were married less than 2 years before the twins came. Most of the time I wish we would have waited.. had more time just us. This past weekend we sent the twins to camp for the weekend and had just Jett at home... The Stallion made a comment about imagining what it would be like to have only one kid... we never had that. I was obviously excited and eager to become a mom... granted I didn't have the best possible start.. bed rest in hospital, 5 weeks early, NICU, c-section recovery, not being in my own city.. not to mention having just come out of years in YWAM and not really having time to settle into "regular life" it was ALOT. I feel a sort of disconnect when I think of that first year. Not any super clear memories. Survival mode. I don't know exactly when it hit me it slowly crept in I think but there came a time when I told myself I just really wasn't good at it... I had wanted it for so long and figured it would come easily.. when it didn't I spiralled. Sometimes The Stallion still catches me saying I''m just not good at it.. I know in my head that's a lie. My kids are loved, taken care of, well rounded and I think pretty good.

But the insides are a scary place... This summer has really hit me hard.. maybe going from work to holidays, going from teaching bootcamp classes to that ending.. all at once. My low times (hard to call it depression? blues? a turning inwards?) they come in seasons. Its not all the time and for the most part life is good.. Its such a disconnect sometimes. I realize too I'm lonely. I love people.. I love getting together with people but since a painful friendship ended awhile back I have had a harder time opening up and not feeling like I am too much... even now I laugh.. I have made some friends that I like to call non-commital... they don't make plans, don't like to make plans and that is so not me. But there is beauty in that too cause when we do make it work it's like magic. It's the kind of group of women I need. I guess I have never been great at inconsistency. There is always fear when writing these blogs that someone won't understand or get what you are trying to say.. when I write it's about me not other people.. it does not undervalue the appreciation and love I have for my friends the ones who I know (or at least think I know) get me and understand me and love me and know I love them no matter what I might write about. Even as I edit this blog I edit knowing that some people don't get this and that is so good.. cause we are all built and wired so differently. If we can't appreciate each others differences what do we have? I am not like any of my friends and that's the way it was meant to be...

I have had a hard time these past couple weeks figuring out exactly what it is that I am feeling. I love my kids but I just don't love being a full time stay at home mom... there I said it.. it's out. I said it to a couple friends the other day and I don't think they quite believed me or at least for sure could not relate.. and that's ok. I have to realize that is OK. I am not awful, not horrible and I am sure I am not alone...

Like many others in my area I have been deeply impacted by the story of Lisa Gibson. There are lots of articles in the Winnipeg Free Press if you are unfamiliar. As I watched the story unfold on the news I was just lost with words, my heart ached. A terrible tragedy. I had an instant soul connection to Lisa... how dark and lonely she must have been. I've had so many questions and so many introspective conversations with myself. It's easy to say "How terrible and I can't imagine being in that spot... I'd never do something like that..." But I bet if you asked Lisa on Tuesday evening she'd say the same. It's an unimaginable, dark, lonely place. I remember going to my doctor and asking for help. She quickly gave me a handful of samples... take some of these and maybe it will help?? So alone I went home and in the early afternoon took a little blue pill.. it could have been pink.. I don't remember. I don't really remember much from that day.. A heavy cloud settled in and I lost control.  I do know I felt nothing like myself and hated the lack of self control I had. I don't know what happened to the boys that afternoon. I know Dave came home and I was laying on my bed. I couldn't even move. I stayed there till the next morning. It was awful. I vowed never to do something like that again....

I can't tell you exactly how I came out of that.. time.. I guess. I also think it's looking up.. grabbing hold of the hope that I have always had inside. Clinging to promises that I will make it out.. It's always darkest before the dawn.