Monday, May 26, 2008

generosity comes from new york....

i go to the mail every day. its part of a routine you know. of course ever since this i have gone with a greater expectation... friday when i opened my box.. a white slip telling me i had a package at the post office lay there. almost glowing. i hopped into the van and told the boys to hold on.. we were taking a ride. i knew it had to be the package.. what would i find? i ran in and handed the man my shiny white slip.. he disappeared into the back i rubbed my hands together this had to be it right? stumbling back he lifted a huge white box onto the counter... "whoa big package here for you" he said. all i could do was smile and giggle. i awkwardly stumbled out to my car with what weighed like both my kids combined.. set it down on the grass to open the back of my van finally looking at the front of the box. this was it...
the rest is probably not what you expected.. i left in it my van for a few hours.. not because i didn't have time to open it but i was plainly overwhelmed.. this package was huge and the sticker on it told me the story.. there was lots of goodies in here. what would i find? am i even deserving of such a package? i finally couldn't handle it anymore and brought it in.. set it up on a chair and stared at it some more.
i set the boys up with a video and decided i just had to know.. i opened it and stared at the contents afraid to pick up stuff and see more. i was overwhelmed by the first layer.. then the second.. the third and the stack of paper... oh my the stack of paper. its still sitting on my chair where i first opened it.. not even sure where to start.. its beautiful all of it really.. new stuff. there were some papers that i saw at the shoppe last week that had just come.. i love it all.. its all me. its all mine to dig deep and just create.. whoohoo.. yea its for me. just because..
i get it.. thanks kc! you rock my world!

peaceful beautiful life

was honored to witness a spectacular home birth yesterday for good friends.. my first as a doula since vancouver. peaceful, intense, glorious and warm.. welcome to the world Gideon!

Thursday, May 22, 2008


i have two two year olds!! its incredible and overwhelming to think about. i still try to go back and remember when they were born and its still really fuzzy.. still don't remember much about the first 9 months. survival mode i guess. but here we are two years later. 2 years and exactly 25 minutes ago ari came into this world. firstborn. he carries those traits even though he's a bit smaller he is adventurous and rowdy. he enjoys the process of discovery. noah came out one minute later. he's my snuggly one, always has time for a quick cuddle. he doesn't enjoy playing alone as much as his brother. he likes to be in the middle of the action.

for two boys who are so different they are also so much the same. on their love list right now:
-blankets and stuffies - they love these. after naps or in the morning they have to come out of the crib and be dragged around. when they are sad a stuffy always helps. they each have their own. noah a puppy and ari a frog. they know how much they mean to each other when one guy is sad the other one grabs his stuffy and brings it to him.
-much like their soos' - oh man gotta love those.

-anything that goes.. trucks, buses, cars, trains, bikes, tractors, boats
-the park any park is a big hit these days. they know where they are and must point and yell "park" leaving parks would be on their hate list.
-water - whatever it is its an obsession. they LOVE water. water in the bath, puddles on the road, water in pipes, out of the tap, in a cup. water makes them happy.
-food - they still love food. and any kind of food but it usually has to also come with some kind of condiment whether it be spicy or sweet condiments are hard to beat.
-fred penner and sharon, lois and bram. they have a dvd with songs on it and come 4:30 when i am making supper this keeps them well occupied.

-"Leen" or Arlene as adults call her. she is their caregiver when i am at work and there is no one like her. the boys love her to pieces and when they have had enough of me they always ask for "leen"
-outside - anything to do with outside (they must get this from dave) sometimes you will find them at the window begging to go "ouside"
-flushing the toilet and closing doors.
-putting things in the garbage usually garbage but sometimes just things like sippy cups for fun.

They are smart. They know now where Grandpa's shop is and Grandma's house even as we turn a corner. They want to try everything we try. They are really good at telling you what they did earlier in the day usually in a word or two.

On the downside they have this hook up complex. Everything should hook together and when it doesn't frustration shows. They call snack (usually crackers" cars but yet they call cars cars so I'm not sure about that one.

Communication is getting better. They say and mimick most words but lack the skills to complete the thought... and most often the word they want they can't find at the exact moment they want it but i think that comes with the age.

I love you Ari & Noah for who you are and who you will become. I have learned so much in the last two years about love and giving. You make me want to be a better mom. I know I am not always the most fun and don't try all the things I know you would like but I am learning. I have the three best teachers in the world. I hope you always know you are safe, secure and loved to bits even when my tears and frustration get the best of me. You enrich my life and I can't get enough of you. Thanks for always running with hugs when I need them most and for walking this journey even though most days its bumpy you are such troopers.
I love you through and through.


come back later for more.....

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

too much

too much waiting
too much yelling
too much screaming
too many tantrums
too many jobs
too much stress
too much to eat
too much 4 squares
too much whining
too much
and all before my babies turn two tomorrow. not much in a celebratory mood. hoping today changes things...

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

becoming... **edited

I feel oddly strange lately. Not bad, not good, not stressed, not calm but just strange. I sense something new.. something new inside me. I have been actively trying to be conscious lately. conscious of others, of myself and of the things that go on around me. Trying to hone in my mothering skills and be a better lover of my husband. The important stuff you know. I figure once I really am conscious about doing those things well the other things will fall into place.. or at least lay there in a less messy way. I had a panic attack a couple weekends ago. It was strange cause that is not normal in my world. I was laying in bed and I was full of fear. Not really sure I can pinpoint exactly what I was even afraid of. I forced Dave away from hockey and told him he had to come to bed. I was a mess. I woke up the next morning not really able to recall all that had gone on. But I felt better... I have had many instances over the weeks after that have seemed surreal to me. Just like I can better manage my thoughts, my feelings and my life. Like I said before I am just conscious.
I have been also making an effort to better the quality of my families life.. throwing out all the bad plastic (actually returning ALL of it to Walmart and getting tons of money back), went to a Norwex party and fell in LOVE. wanted to order it all but decided to have a party so if you are interested in a better, healthier, non chemical, good for the environment cleaning for your household let me know! So after feeling great about the healthy choices I was making I made a massive disgusting discovery on Sunday morning... lurking in the corner of the closet of my boys room was a huge gross thick green, white and black MOLD taking up residence... short side of a long story. my house is wet and the humidifier i had going since my kids always seemed to be sick was causing more moisture and the lack of air moving in that closet made a nasty patch. I LOST it.... it was like there was something inside of me that just waved a white flag and awarded myself "worst mom of the year award" after the guilt came the mama bear inside me that was pissed off and angry that no one seemed to care that this stuff was poisoning my kids. i didn't sleep that night.. i imagined little black spores floating around lovingly touching my kids cheeks as they slept. it was horrible. its gone now and the air purifier we bought has really made a difference in the quality of the air.... but inside of me i feel more stirring just an awareness that i want the BEST for my family, the cleanest, healthiest and happiest way to live.
all that sums up the last little while along with:
*an amazing weekend scrapping in Brandon
*a great part time job which i like more and more every day
*a great time celebrating daves birthday with treasured friends and family.
*friends in each different part of my life.. just amazed that i have a network of people around me that love me in different ways.
*boys that will be two soon.. full of life and energy and new things each day
*mothers day was good (aside from the mold) i feel blessed.
*looking forward to seeing a new life come into this world any day now.....
so much to be aware of and remain active and purposeful for.

** for those of you who commented already thank you.. and i am not pregnant.. yikes! the awaited life is a friend whom i am doulaing for...

Sunday, May 11, 2008

sunny side up

Mother’s Day. I love that I am a mom. I know its never the easy thing.. There are times I say I would rather not do this or not do that. But when I look at the big picture. Life is rich because of my kids. This morning when they ran into our room to give me my card and I was greeted with those fabulous chubby cheeked smiles I melted. Its truly a gift to have these little guys running around. The best parts of two people.

I also have the greatest mother. She is kind, caring, gentle, loyal, fun spirited, generous with her time and her love, gracious, oh so forgiving and she just LOVES deeply. I think back to the times where I must have almost drove her right to the looney bin and I often wonder if she wonders if I truly loved her. Behind the closed door and moody music of my teens. The parade of horrible boyfriends and the acts of true rebellion. Deep down that little girl inside of me wanted to just let it all go and crawl up beside her where life was safe. I hope she knows now that I love her through and through. For all of it. For all she says and doesn’t say. For all her support and loyalty. Mom you are one of a kind. You love me out of the best place in you and I love you out of the best place in me.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

the best guy i know...

Some one is having a birthday. He's the funnest dad, the best husband, loyal friend, great listener, he has a passionate soul, a way of caring that is never fake and a sense of humor to boot. I love him and am so thankful he choose me. Here's to you big guy. May you always blaze your own trail and may your cup never be empty. Love you.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

coming soon...

a new post. this last little while has been a whirlwind. insightful ramblings by me coming soon.