Friday, December 28, 2012

Shine. 2012.

image credit: Lisa Vandenberg Photography
card design: Tam Harder @ Shine Designs

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

christmas 2012

We had a wonderful Christmas. Filled with comfortable traditions, family we love and the hope and peace that comes with knowing why we celebrate. Hope yours was Merry & Bright.

Thursday, December 06, 2012

melt downs.

Last night I had one.. it was a long time coming. I have been holding in some frustrations for awhile now... It just seemed to all need to come out. My poor Stallion.. he was so confused cause I had left for Bootcamp in a great mood and came home swinging punches. Lucky for him he was not the cause.

Some days it just feels good to get it out. A lovely friend who knows my heart and is good at telling it like it is sent me a message this morning and in it the loveliest words.

It's important stuff. And I think instead of 'getting over it' it's something you need to 'get through'. Value your own feelings. They are real and true to you. Be kind and gentle towards yourself.

It clicked with me. I LOVE it.. not that it makes the journey easier but for so long now I just keep telling myself to get over things... but maybe that's not the path I should be looking to take.. I do need to move forward and get through.

In the course of this year I have fed my heart and my mind a terrible lie. Four words that have done a number on me... I'm just too much. I have felt like I can't trust my emotions, I have felt like a part of me is just broken.. irreparable. I have felt like I have to hide my emotions or just make sure that people only get the true me in small doses cause if they saw the true me they would twist it around and turn it against me.. again. It's been a complete lie. A fear. One that has stuck. I want it gone.. part of the reason it's not gone is cause I am having a hard time bringing it to the only one who can take it away... the one who knows my heart and the one who made me love deeply. I know as I do this the lie will be ripped apart for what it is.

Heres the truth. I LOVE people, I VALUE people.. I make time for those I love because it's important to me and I make them priorities in my very busy life because it means that much to me. I could and these days just wish I would sit at home and not open myself or my heart up to anyone. I would love to just shut down and not let anyone close.. but I can't.. because it's just not in me... I asked the Stallion last night why I had to be the way I am.. especially when it is so hard and he assured me he may not have married me if that were the case.. (I know he's a good one) So when this email came to me this morning I got it... It's me.. It's who I am... My feelings matter. I've spent the last year re-evaluating the very things that make up my DNA.. and who am I kidding it's not like they are bad things... they're not.. they are good.

All that to say I want to commit to being true and to stop trying to just get over hurts. I need to walk through it. To value myself more. So I'm going to try.

Sunday, December 02, 2012


that's me these days... some definitions say sad, depression of spirits. some say pensive, reflective, contemplative.... sullen. a sad stated of mind. I feel those things.. not all the time... but it's just under the surface.

it's interesting to me cause for the most part things are really good.. a month or so ago I felt the storm coming.. it was clear to me that it was on the horizon.. some things happened in my family and we braced ourselves and we were hit hard... it all turned out ok.. and there have been victories, joys and new found hope for sure.. but somewhere when the trees were bending from the wind a few of my strong trees broke. It was subtle but I feel contemplative...

even as I write this I am confused.. things are good with life.. great even. but something inside is unsettled. incomplete. I had high hopes for November.. I had made some lofty fitness goals and was really excited about it and then I tore the rotator cuff in my right shoulder.. it's been painful and difficult to keep at it.. easy to say oh well I can't do some stuff so why bother? I felt defeated before November had really even begun. I have taught more at bootcamp and feel like I am doing a dis-service to my clients by not being able to really give it my all... I want to inspire them to reach their goals and really go for it.. I definitely did not reach my goals... failing makes me feel defeated.

In my journey this year to be vulnerable and authentic (a word which I have grown to dislike in lots of ways this year) I have felt more insecure and more angry. I have felt more love and more hope. I have felt all the emotions that lead to being pensive. Strange right? Confusing for sure.

I am celebrating Advent in a new way this year... trying to take it all in and really celebrate the reason for this season. I created a Random Acts of Kindness Advent calendar for the boys. Each day a new activity to really get us to focus on others and creating a life of service and love. I think it will challenge us and help our hearts to give more. We are keeping Christmas really simple with no extravagant gifts.. we have so much already. Some days I long to go back to YWAM days and be able to teach my kids some of the valuable life lessons we live through each day.. of course I know I can do that here too but some days the simple life would be easier.

Ok so this post was all over the place... just some random jumbled thoughts. please don't worry figuring these things out is always good for the soul.