Last night I had one.. it was a long time coming. I have been holding in some frustrations for awhile now... It just seemed to all need to come out. My poor Stallion.. he was so confused cause I had left for Bootcamp in a great mood and came home swinging punches. Lucky for him he was not the cause.
Some days it just feels good to get it out. A lovely friend who knows my heart and is good at telling it like it is sent me a message this morning and in it the loveliest words.
It's important stuff. And I think instead of 'getting over it' it's something you need to 'get through'. Value your own feelings. They are real and true to you. Be kind and gentle towards yourself.
It clicked with me. I LOVE it.. not that it makes the journey easier but for so long now I just keep telling myself to get over things... but maybe that's not the path I should be looking to take.. I do need to move forward and get through.
In the course of this year I have fed my heart and my mind a terrible lie. Four words that have done a number on me... I'm just too much. I have felt like I can't trust my emotions, I have felt like a part of me is just broken.. irreparable. I have felt like I have to hide my emotions or just make sure that people only get the true me in small doses cause if they saw the true me they would twist it around and turn it against me.. again. It's been a complete lie. A fear. One that has stuck. I want it gone.. part of the reason it's not gone is cause I am having a hard time bringing it to the only one who can take it away... the one who knows my heart and the one who made me love deeply. I know as I do this the lie will be ripped apart for what it is.
Heres the truth. I LOVE people, I VALUE people.. I make time for those I love because it's important to me and I make them priorities in my very busy life because it means that much to me. I could and these days just wish I would sit at home and not open myself or my heart up to anyone. I would love to just shut down and not let anyone close.. but I can't.. because it's just not in me... I asked the Stallion last night why I had to be the way I am.. especially when it is so hard and he assured me he may not have married me if that were the case.. (I know he's a good one) So when this email came to me this morning I got it... It's me.. It's who I am... My feelings matter. I've spent the last year re-evaluating the very things that make up my DNA.. and who am I kidding it's not like they are bad things... they're not.. they are good.
All that to say I want to commit to being true and to stop trying to just get over hurts. I need to walk through it. To value myself more. So I'm going to try.