exploration

i have always been creative. it keeps me going. the energy is good. it speaks to me.. "you belong here. this is what you were made for. " i always feel a deep sense of belonging. a reawakening of those senses.

somedays it's hard. somedays i am tired. creative living is about moving out of that comfort zone and being brave with your work and authentic self. motherhood is about the life long process of giving and giving and letting go. taking care of my body is about managing hunger and desire. relationships, especially with loved ones are about the intricasies of give and take.

living is constantly moving and changing and so often uncomfortable…

i don’t want to. i need more. i feel tired. i am hungry. i feel afraid. i am unsure. i can’t wait. this is really difficult. i really want that.

so i’ve decided that in order to pour myself into all the aspects of my life that i would like to see thrive and shine (which is pretty much everything), i have to say yes to discomfort and let go of the notion of balance. i am learning bit by bit that i can handle more discomfort than i think, gotta keep moving forward. so in an effort to put this all into perspective i am thinking about taking a big risk... a big step in my process to inspire others to live a creative life (however that looks for them), to dig deep and shine.

thinking about it.... until the next wave of fear takes over....

bloglovin'

If you are like me... you have many blogs you read. It can be overwhelming. I can't believe it took me so long to find Google Reader. Although I still found it to be flawed... and then today I discovered Bloglovin. It's a beautiful thing.

It's a great tool for keeping up with all of your favorite stops. It's different then Google Reader - i'ts much simpler and quicker for me to use. Instead of scrolling through all the posts you get a quick title, photo and opening paragraph for each post. It's much easier to find the posts that you want to read. The other great thing that I LOVE is that when you click through to read the post it takes you to the actual blog.. I missed that with Google Reader. People work hard to design there blogs so I love actually seeing them. You also have the option to 'like' favorite posts to bookmark them for later. It's great. I have already found some great blogs that I would not be following otherwise... win win. If you need a great way to organize your time.. this is for you.

a little inspiration

I need some. Today has not been my shiniest day. Sometimes dreaming is what gets me through.

1. Pantone came out with the 2011 color of the year. Honeysuckle. I love it. We're pretty un-girlie over here... but that sure would brighten things up. I'd love to see punches of it here and there..

2. This is the inspiration for something already in the works for my dining room... stay tuned it's a good one :) If you havn't already you should be checking out Dana at House*Tweaking.

3. Be still my beating heart. I have been gathering ideas to redo our bedroom. With a non existant budget it's going to be interesting. We need to paint first.. hopefully in the next month or so :) The one thing I want to buy will be new bedding. Just something I rarely buy... then I saw this... I have it in my cart and have almost clicked finish so many times. I mean it's a steal on sale for 54.99 and 20% off.... Can you see my dilema?? See it HERE.

4. I am slightly obsessed with wallpaper lately.. I want to wallpaper everything.

Ferm Living is horrible for me.. so many beautiful choices. Or then there is this one.. eek lovely.

5. Yes please. All of it. (Anthropolgie Oct '10)

6. I thought the Winter lookbook from Ruche was beautiful. This is my favorite page.. love the styling. It just jumped out at me. I definitely have the itch to shop... where is that money tree again??

What has you inspired lately?

i am rich.

I am so glad that you have come.

I will pour out everything inside me so that you may leave

this table satisfied and fortified.

Blessings on your eyes.

Blessings on your children.

Blessings on the ground beneath you.

My heart is a ladle of sweet water, brimming over.

The Red Tent, Anita Diamanti

her.

it's funny how a new year can bring about all sorts of pondering... ideas for a new year. saying goodbye to the old. a feeling of kicking all that baggage your carrying around in the ass.

These past few months have been heavy, exhilarating, depressing, joyous.

I have felt high and very low.

I've barely slept yet been given so many new and old dreams.

There is one I want to share... not sure why I want to share it here. This is my safe place... this is where my thoughts pool together. I have no idea what this means and where this will take us. Every day it seems more and more impossible to figure out. but daily my mantra from 2008 reminds me "small adjustments make huge miracles"

There is a scrap of paper in my journal from January 2008... I can't remember where I was when I wrote it but I sure remember the dream that prompted it.

I don't dream often.. at least not ones I remember. But I remember what the sky looked like. I remember the sound of the water rushing past. I remember the tree. It was beautiful. It was strong and bright, bright green. The leaves were full. I remember the way they seemed to float in the sky... the way the wind sounded. I remember the smell of fresh grass. I will never forget the sound... her small voice and the sweet laugh that came from her mouth. She wore a red dress. She danced in this beautiful garden. I never saw her face. But the instant I woke up I knew her name. It was on my lips. It was on His. Eden.

The morning after that dream I was given a verse. See, I was far God at this time.. the dream seemed so intricate. It should have left me full of questions but it sat peacefully in the depth of my heart... " The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; He will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and Gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing"

When we were pregnant this last time. I was filled with anticipation... this was the fulfillment of this dream for me.. I had seen her face.. He has given me her name. But this was not meant to be for this time. The one I was carrying would not be a girl. It's left me with questions... was this little one not mine? Was it to be for someone else? Even now as I think of her all the time and wonder what she means for our family... as we make decisions to not get pregnant again...

Who is she? Is our Eden meant for someone else? Or will she come in a way we can not grasp at this time?

I sit here and play the old songs, dream the same dreams... revisit those deep deep wells... Are there dreams you have left behind? ... ones that may need to be dusted off?.... all these things are inspiring me to sparkle this year. to SHINE.

one little word.

Well darkness only exists so that the stars can shine, darling.

I have chosen a word for a few years. You can read about them: 2008, 2009, and for some reason I didn't blog about my word for 2010. Although I did choose one around my birthday that signified my year so you can see that here. I guess with moving and pregnancy life got away from me.

This year my word found me. It reminds me to live it and to let it surround me. to let it guide me. to embrace it fully unashamed and with wholeness. This year I will Shine. and not only will I Shine but I will let the whole world see.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us"

Marianne Williamson.

living gift

this christmas was rich. i was given many beautiful, thoughtful gifts. there was a special gift. it not only suited me perfectly but it filled my soul. my beautiful friend lisa gave me a blessing. the gift of empowerment was given in my name.

"know as "survivors", the women in MCC's Pobitra program receive much more than handicraft training. They are offered an environment of respect and support where they are able to begin new lives. Victims of Bangladesh's sex trade, the women take part in an eight-month vocational training program that also educates about health and hygiene, mental health, human rights, peace and literacy. The programs name Pobitra means "holiness, sanctity, the fresh cleanliness of a newborn." To join the program, women make a public commitment to embrace new opportunities and on completion, are given a blue sari to symbolize their rebirth. Many of the program's graduates produce handmade natural soaps at Sacred Mark, an enterprise developed by MCC in Bangladesh.

Your gift of empowerment gives women in Bangladesh the capacity to start over, learn vocational skills and find new sources of employment."

Beautiful. Perfect. Thankful. And wrapped was this lovely bar of soap handcrafted by women in the red light district who have made a clean break from their previous lifestyle and have chosen soapmaking as an alternative source of income.

"O let me wear secretly... the sacred mark impressed by your own hand"

What were some of your favorite gifts this year?

Jett.

discover. your world. stay tuned later this week for a post dedicated just to this guy.

handmade

I gave quite a few home made gifts this year. I so enjoy the process and of course the end result. One of my new favorite things is stenciling with freezer paper. The possibilities are endless! I am in love with the whole Silhouette thing and decided that's what I wanted to do to give to my parents for Christmas ..

It really was simple. I took pictures of the boys from the side.

My super good looking assistant (the stallion) traced each image onto the freezer paper and then using a knife cut around the image. The hardest part was finding PLAIN white tea towels. I searched everywhere. I finally found a pack of bar towels at Home Outfitters. I took the image and ironed it on. This is where the genius of freezer paper comes into play. It's awesome.

I found spray fabric paint in black and sprayed it on. I took the stencil off pretty much right away and then I allowed it to dry for a few days.

After they were done I sewed on some ribbon to the bottom to make them just a bit more special. I am super happy with the way they turned out. I made a set for the in laws too.

And come on look at that first one.. that chubby chin. So cute.

Bon Noel.

hope is what we long for. hope is what was given.

merry christmas, love us.

all i want for christmas

two shepherds

loved seeing them in the program at church. they memorized their lines and were super good.

add in a magi and an innkeeper and you have some good buddies.

the gift of giving

I love Christmas. I love holidays. I love all the preparation that goes into it. Its like that for me in most holidays actually..

One of my favorite parts of the holiday's is giving gifts... not only picking out that perfect gift for that special someone but I take most joy in the packaging.. I have spent hours in my craft room this holiday season.. doing a lot of homemade gi

fts.. and working on the perfect packaging to go with my gifts. I love that I am the girl that my friends love getting cards and packages from.. just to see how they are presented.

I also enjoy seeing how a gift comes together.. it was like that this year as I picked out gifts for those I loved... picking out special things that they would love... (well hopefully). I love when someone thinks of something special for me... . What is your favorite part of the holidays?

600

I thought I would have something really good for my 600th post. But I promise to do better for 601.. it's been a rough week of sickness around here...

So for now. Here's how we nap these days. Only with a tent.

the vintage pearl

you don't even want to know about the week i am having and i don't want to blog about it so for something completely happy.. gocheck out The Vintage Pearl's blog.. they are giving away something GOOD :)

i love this stuff. so many beauties to choose from. some of my fave's are...

layered mother of pearl

vintage lovebirds

a heart for africa

layers of pearl

expectation

Over the years I have learned that my own worst enemy is myself. I most often have unrealistic expectations on myself. I have been going through a bible study with a group of Women called Breaking Free and have been learning so much about who I am, where I come from and why I am the way I am. And how I can break free.

Most of the time my expectations let me down which leads to me pressing play on the old tapes. You know we all have them... they probably all sound a bit different but they are there. Mine range from why try, your not good enough, no one likes you, oh and then my mix usually has a little of your fat just for good measure. I don't say this to feel sorry for myself.. I am actually finding it much easier to be free and press the stop button pretty quickly. I try not to stay there because it's not who I am anymore.

Here I am 31 years old. Wife. Mother to three great boys. I have spent a good chunk of my life believing God.. I have even served him faithfully in missions for 6 years. I have felt close to God and I have felt VERY far from God... The last 4 years have been the hardest... Motherhood has been the hardest. I have put the hardest expectations on myself in this area. I've said it before.. never in my life have I felt so judged... we as Mom's do that. We compare our kids and our parenting styles and often it leads to more pain.

Yesterday we dedicated Jett to God. I've been thinking and praying about it alot lately... what that means. Like I said before I have believed in God for most of my life. It's been a personal journey... but only in the last few years have I been learning to believe and know God. To know Him... to trust Him. Sheesh those are really different things. In the last little while I have felt closer to knowing Him than ever before. I feel Him grabbing my heart again. I trust Him... We spoke these words over Jett that he would be rooted and established in love, that he would grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. and that he would know this love always. That's what I want too. For them, for me.

My days have been filled with struggles lately - Jett dislikes sleep.. and is near impossible to get to sleep without lots of screaming. It's been hard to see the good stuff these days... but tonight as I held his warm body in my arms and felt his warm whispy milk breath on my cheek, his soft chubby hand tangled in my hair, as I smelled his fresh skin and sang soft lullaby's in his ear... I was filled with expectation of what's to come... for all of us.

random

"You are aware of the beating of your heart…The extraordinary thing that is about to happen is matched only by the extraordinary moment just before it happens. Advent is the name of that moment.” — Frederick Buechner, Whistling in the Dark

hi. just a couple things. it's been a busy few weeks.. does not seem to be slowing down anytime soon. but amidst it all i am just full of new clarity and remembering to take it all in... to slow down. do a few things and do them well. i'm reminded daily how my kids just love to be at home and with me.. i don't need to fill up their schedules. it only makes us crazy.

i am a week away from bootcamp being over.. i am really sad. i have loved doing it these last few weeks.. and seeing my clothes fit better is nice.

sweet, sweet Greta is here. i am so happy. she is beautiful.

we are doing a simple christmas around here... not many gifts. our kids have so much already. i do have some things we want to do with them that centre around helping others instead.

you must check THIS out. oh my.

just cause he is so cute. we brought back the swaddle.. it seems to be working.

oh and tlp photography is doing a 12 days giveaway.. go check it out. you may see yours truly in the near future ;)

I hope you see the beauty of waiting and anticipation this advent season. It's a beautiful thing.

5

only about a month late... :)

festive

So we are feeling extremely festive in this old house already. Thanks to my Holiday open house we are decked out. I love it.

The open house went... good. I am so thankful for those that came but was disappointed in the turn out.. especially when you work so hard.. anyways. It went well and I think people enjoyed the deals and the sweets. Plus it was so fun to have people over. I love that.

Here is the festivity in pictures.. there were a few dear friends who could not make it and wanted to see the finished product. Thanks to some amazing friends who helped me package and tie ribbons (not to mention help me with that jug of wine)

sane

because it's crazy around here and we all need a little relief.

thank you photo booth.

emotional

Tonight I am filled to the brim with emotions... some deep stuff. Ari had a meltdown today.. okay he had more than one. The boys had no alone time today.. we try to have them be apart for at least an hour each afternoon... they also had no alone time yesterday ... it takes it toll. Especially on sweet soft Ari. So we took Noah to clubs and took Ari home for an early bedtime. Dave and i sat on either side of him as he watched a short kids show before heading up to read stories and go to bed. He talked so sweetly and enjoyed us... It hit me. I feel I have ripped them off.. well not really me but the whole thing of being a twin. They get ripped off. It's so hard to spend one on one time with them.. throw in a third child and geez the boys get the short end of the stick.

It's wrecking me today. Twins is hard... the first year is a blank page in my memory. Nothing. I survived sure but I remember none of it. I feel like with Jett I am experiencing so many things for the first time.

But for real tonight hit me... they get so little of our undivided attention. Yea we make time to have special dates when we can... but that doesn't happen often enough. They are constantly together and having to share life.. all of life. They are so different yet they are put into the same box constantly.

I want to love them.. no rephrase that I want to love more of each of them. My heart is heavy for that right now. I know the benefits of having two and how they love each other and all that good stuff... but somedays it just doesn't feel fair.

I want them to never feel ripped off. It's grace that I need. Grace to love them the best I can.. all of them. All the time.

reading

I read alot of blogs.. I mean of course I can't stay on top of them all the time but I try. I need a new blog reader... I want your suggestions... What do you use and what do you love about it? I need something that highlights when people blog a new post and it needs to be easy....

any thoughts??

be sure to scroll down for halloween goodness from yesterday.