Monday, December 06, 2010

expectation

Over the years I have learned that my own worst enemy is myself. I most often have unrealistic expectations on myself. I have been going through a bible study with a group of Women called Breaking Free and have been learning so much about who I am, where I come from and why I am the way I am. And how I can break free.

Most of the time my expectations let me down which leads to me pressing play on the old tapes. You know we all have them... they probably all sound a bit different but they are there. Mine range from why try, your not good enough, no one likes you, oh and then my mix usually has a little of your fat just for good measure. I don't say this to feel sorry for myself.. I am actually finding it much easier to be free and press the stop button pretty quickly. I try not to stay there because it's not who I am anymore.

Here I am 31 years old. Wife. Mother to three great boys. I have spent a good chunk of my life believing God.. I have even served him faithfully in missions for 6 years. I have felt close to God and I have felt VERY far from God... The last 4 years have been the hardest... Motherhood has been the hardest. I have put the hardest expectations on myself in this area. I've said it before.. never in my life have I felt so judged... we as Mom's do that. We compare our kids and our parenting styles and often it leads to more pain.


Yesterday we dedicated Jett to God. I've been thinking and praying about it alot lately... what that means. Like I said before I have believed in God for most of my life. It's been a personal journey... but only in the last few years have I been learning to believe and know God. To know Him... to trust Him. Sheesh those are really different things. In the last little while I have felt closer to knowing Him than ever before. I feel Him grabbing my heart again. I trust Him... We spoke these words over Jett that he would be rooted and established in love, that he would grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. and that he would know this love always. That's what I want too. For them, for me.


My days have been filled with struggles lately - Jett dislikes sleep.. and is near impossible to get to sleep without lots of screaming. It's been hard to see the good stuff these days... but tonight as I held his warm body in my arms and felt his warm whispy milk breath on my cheek, his soft chubby hand tangled in my hair, as I smelled his fresh skin and sang soft lullaby's in his ear... I was filled with expectation of what's to come... for all of us.

6 comments:

Carmelle said...

Thanks for sharing some of your personal experience Heather. And what beautiful words to pray for your son(s) to know and grasp the Love of Christ.

Jenelle Suderman said...

<3

Amanda said...

Heather, you have a real gift with words. You are an inspiration. Thanks for sharing your personal journey with us.

The Nilsen's Journey said...

What a beautiful real post Heather. Thanks for sharing. I find that as a mamma I need the Lord more than I ever have been aware of before in my life. It's a good (and difficult sometimes) place to be!

Mary Anne said...

What a beautiful post Heather! IT was so touching. I loved it! thanks for sharing. I especially loved the end when you talked about Jett sleeping in your arms. Marley really doesn't like sleep AT ALL lately either. I think a big part is that she is getting her 2nd tooth in soon, but who really knows. I like how you just appreciated the moment of your baby boy sleeping in you arms...if we don't appreciate those moments every once and a while I think we as moms would go nuts.
I've also been learning to trust God in a whole new way, especially with trying to understand God in the night when Marley is up and I barely get more than an hours sleep at a time! It's struggle but I choose to trust GOd, that God is teaching me something. I want to learn what that is, so this whole night time trouble isn't all for nothing.
Thanks again for always being honest!
xoxo Mary Anne

Eva said...

I agree .. I love your writing, you have a gift. I too, am one who judges myself harshly, often feeling as though others judge me by the same standard I judge myself. Motherhood especially.. I can't even put it into words.
Anyway.. I will pray for you in this area, perhaps you can pray for me also :-)

~ Eva.