Wednesday, November 03, 2010

emotional

Tonight I am filled to the brim with emotions... some deep stuff. Ari had a meltdown today.. okay he had more than one. The boys had no alone time today.. we try to have them be apart for at least an hour each afternoon... they also had no alone time yesterday ... it takes it toll. Especially on sweet soft Ari. So we took Noah to clubs and took Ari home for an early bedtime. Dave and i sat on either side of him as he watched a short kids show before heading up to read stories and go to bed. He talked so sweetly and enjoyed us... It hit me. I feel I have ripped them off.. well not really me but the whole thing of being a twin. They get ripped off. It's so hard to spend one on one time with them.. throw in a third child and geez the boys get the short end of the stick.

It's wrecking me today. Twins is hard... the first year is a blank page in my memory. Nothing. I survived sure but I remember none of it. I feel like with Jett I am experiencing so many things for the first time.

But for real tonight hit me... they get so little of our undivided attention. Yea we make time to have special dates when we can... but that doesn't happen often enough. They are constantly together and having to share life.. all of life. They are so different yet they are put into the same box constantly.

I want to love them.. no rephrase that I want to love more of each of them. My heart is heavy for that right now. I know the benefits of having two and how they love each other and all that good stuff... but somedays it just doesn't feel fair.

I want them to never feel ripped off. It's grace that I need. Grace to love them the best I can.. all of them. All the time.



8 comments:

Dixie Vandersluys said...

((hug))

Crystal said...

Oh Heather. I have no advice because I've never had twins but they are such happy guys. Happy to be together and happy to be with Dave and you. They love Jett so much and love other kids so much too. You're doing a fantastic job!

Jenelle Suderman said...

seriously one day these guys will look back and i honestly don't think that they will feel ripped off..they have 2 AMAZING parents...and they'll always remember the good times!!! <3

Sarah said...

My good friend is a mom of three boys, and while she doesn't have twins, she does have that struggle of giving them each focus/attention. Maybe you'll find her recent blog helpful: http://themacboys.wordpress.com/2010/10/30/mommy-time/ In any case, being aware of the struggle means you have a tender heart for your boys!

Karla said...

I think the fact that you made the choice to give Ari what he needed tonight tells me that you're the perfect Momma for twins.

Although we don't have twins, Mike and I always feel that we're shortchanging the girls from special time with one of us - undivided.... It only seems to work when we actually put it on the calendar with Sharpie! Sad, I know. It's just what they all need, isn't it?

valerie said...

Oh Heather...seriously...I feel the same way and my boys are two years apart! We can't be superheros...we do what we can, and we love our children, but it's tough to always figure out how to make it work to focus on one at a time :(

Wenona said...

Sorry you feel this way. Being a twin is hard, I'm sure, and you're right, they are always put into the same box, no matter how different. But there are so many special things, too :)
You are a great mom because you recognize the need to spend individual time with them, and you make an effort to do it - that's very special.
Keep it up, mama, you're doing a great job!

Amber. said...

You are such a good Mom. I admire you!!