Thursday, July 12, 2007

lets be real..

so i am having a real crisis... its actually many mini crisis's all at once. first up my blog. feel its blah and boring and i never have anything real to write about. also feel no one reads it anymore and if you do you are probably bored.
my role as a mom lately has been a crisis point for me. PLEASE PLEASE don't humor me with lame cliches about doing the best i can and sure you are a good mom.. this is not up for debate just telling it how it is these days. i always thought all i wanted to do was be a mom and lately its been harder to remember why.. i am always short on patience, i tire easily and entertaining and keeping two happy is getting really hard. throw in teething and colds and AHHHHH its all i can do to throw momma off a train. next crisis follows this one hot on its heels is GUILT.. how can one person feel so much guilt over everything.. like the guilt i feel now that i wrote all that down and how i should just be thankful and suck it all up and pretend like everyone else that life and motherhood are easy and why doesn't it just conjor up warm fuzzy feelings all the time like it does for EVERYONE else but me. why is it next to impossible to just give my kids a bath during the day like everyone else.. oh thats right i have two and trying to keep two wiggling babies from drowning is HARD work.
i'm sure there are many more things like my discontentment with the lack of cleanliness in my house, my less than mediocre performance as a wife, my ever growing sadness for friendship that runs DEEP.. and last but not least my crisis over whether or not i will hit publish..

8 comments:

Dixie said...

No cliches. But know that you're not alone; I'm feeling EXACTLY the same way today. Like REALLY, REALLY down and ready to give up. Somehow we'll make it through though, as much as we don't know how or maybe even don't want to right now...

Ellen said...

I am a bit of a lurker here at your blog.. and also a mom of one 1 1/2 yr old boy and I honestly can't imagine having two boys just over 1 or so.. it is hard enuff just to keep things sane with him - I also have a hard time feeling like i'm not a good wife, or just the fact that it ALWAYS looks like a tornadoe just hit my home!! Never mind actually getting some me time with a GF - no that would be too selfish.. I feel like a failure all too often - just thot u should know ur not the only one! and boy do I love those good days; where I think who cares, lets just go have some fun! there will always be more dishes to do - let them stink on the counter, I'm spending time with my boy before he thinks I'm too uncool :) haha..

DavenHeather said...

i loved that ellen.. spend time with him before he thinks i'm too uncool.. see we can all learn from each other.. that its ok to just leave the dishes... thanks for delurking.
thank you dixie.. you bring warmth to my heart in your realness.. no suger coating.

Emily Deu said...

I love you heather

Lisa said...

oh heath,

my heart goes out to you. you are definitely NOT alone. I've had some very very low times in the past 2 1/2 years of motherhood....probably lower than you think....like almost lost my mind a few times...yup, breakdown! i've been through seasons where it is really hard to even drag my butt out of bed. i just want to shut the world out (or at least my little boys). I think mothering is SO demanding and it requires a lot more selflessness than i can muster up on my own strength. you and i both know where we need to get our strength from.

PLEASE never compare yourself to other moms. that's something i've done way too often and it makes me depressed when i do and makes me feel like i just don't measure up. things always look so great from the outside, right?

and i too, have asked myself 'okay, why do i have kids again?' it's the hardest thing i've ever done in my life. my life is not my own anymore. but in the struggle i realize that slowly i am becoming more like Jesus. and it hurts and it's uncomfortable......

i am here for you always.

love you.

Stacey said...

Yesterday was one of those days in the Friesen household too. I could have cried when Keith finally came home. It was just a stinky, yucky day full of peed pants and whining and not listening. That after a horrible night, and I was ready to scream and run away forever.

Thank goodness we had a baby shower for my sister yesterday, so I got out for a few hours, and Keith (or my dad) put Rowan to sleep.

I often struggle with feelings of wanting to give up, and I wonder why on earth I ever decided to have another baby! Then I think of how lonely it would be without Rowan. Some times I just look at him and feel soo guilty that I have no patience for him. I never wanted to be a 'yelling' mommy, but I just can't seem to hold my temper some days.

~deep breath~ okay. Now I'm done rambling. I hope you have a good day today. We are heading to visit Keith's family for the weekend, and I can't wait to see everyone. Mostly because I know that Rowan will have the undivided attention of someone OTHER THAN ME! Praise the Lord!

missm said...

This is my first visit to your blog. I LOVED this post and I loved Lisa's response (Ellen's too). I feel the same way many days. Especially today. Dreaming of days with my dear children who I love so much, but suck myself right out of me. I really do feel like I'm loosing my mind many days (no cliches here - this is for real). And sometimes I wonder what's real and what's not. And am I even normal? And are these thoughts and feelings I'm having normal? And then I stumble across your blog and I read the comments, and I'm reminded of the false faces of perfection and togetherness we all parade around in. Maybe if we were honest about how we really are doing we wouldn't all strive for perfection (which is never attainable) and then we wouldn't always feel like we're falling short. Because we'd know what really is expected of us. Not perfection or togetherness, but honesty, compassion and love, for ourselves and others. And maybe if that's what we saw in each other and strived for every day we'd feel more success and less defeat.

Thanks for your honesty. It's refreshing. I often find blogs to be too much gushy, gushy goodness. It's easy to hide behind masks in this onlines world. Thanks for keeping it real.

heather said...

((Heather))
I wish I could say something to make it better for you. I am struggling too for the same reasons. I'm praying that for both of us this passes soon. Is it something about this age with twins?????