Thursday, October 18, 2007

going deeper feeling shallow

i remember when i had my birthday last month.. i was full of aspirations for this next year. i really want to be a truth teller... to myself. i feel most of the reasons i am flailing around is because i am so good at telling myself lies. so good at conjuring up stories and blowing them out of proportion.
the other night i was trying to quiet my mind and be able to hear clearly.. there was nothing i could do to stop thoughts from coming and just distracting me from trying to be quiet. seems my to do lists are always a mile long.. they usually never get done which leaves me guilty and hard on myself. its getting old. part of my just wants to give up.. maybe thats the answer.
yesterday someone reminded me of how people see me.. usually the words that follow are joyful, bright smile, lights up a room, happy, bubbly... uggg. don't get me wrong yes i love that and i know thats part of me.. but when will the inside line up again. i do remember what that felt like to purely feel like that even though it was so long ago i do remember. i do have glimpses of that girl.
i'm wanting more vulnerability in my life. freedom to be who i am... more opportunities to just get down and dirty and really get rid of the crap deep in my heart. i attend a group of women that meets every other Wednesday. been life to me since we started meeting last year. its a good place.. a safe place but yet yesterday i felt like i couldn't share.. i always share and i felt so insecure that people were sick of hearing about my crap. we have started to attend a care group from our church this year as well... its good.. but yet such a range of people its hard to get close and deep. we need like a life group of people our own age who really feel like going deeper is the only way anyone will walk in freedom. why is this so hard to achieve?
ok seriously i have jumped around and rambled long enough.. i am going to get up and go spend some time with my kids now. just let this settle and come back and read it again later.

7 comments:

Eva said...

I know what you mean.......it feels so good to share deeply and connect with others. I have that desire inside me too, but often it's just easier not to. Seems like it has to be the perfect circumstance for it to happen. I think that's what we're meant to do though. Live lives that are interwoven with others...encourage each other along the way.

tammy said...

I can totally relate too. I'm often to scared of what other people think. Even though i feel God moving in me, nudging me to say something. O.k. so this doesn't help you but just wanted you to konw you're not alone.

Dixie said...

Going through the same thing.

Lisa said...

please don't be quiet!! no one is tired of hearing about your 'crap'. infact, everyone else in the room wishes they could be more vulnerable and share. I've only been encouraged when you open up because you're so darn real and get to the stuff that matters. You go girl. I'm always up for listening to you.

Anonymous said...

I love how real you always are at bible study...don't keep it in..that's what we are there for..it's not supposed to look like our lives are all pretty...if that was the case i wouldn't even come!!

anita said...

love your honesty. i am a heart and soul girl and really struggle when others don't share with me the way i can (and often do) share with them. i really believe that going deep is the way we can stand strong together.

lindsey said...

i hear ya heather! i wish i had a life group, or a small group, or any kind of group really! i need that connection!