Tuesday, October 02, 2007

aware of the journey

my personal journey lately has been muddy. its been the last year really where there has just been something missing. i felt it in a great wave on my birthday this year. not sure what my expectation was but i felt disappointed in almost every way. I was blessed by so many but the void of some important people who just forgot somehow crept in and took over. I want to be full instead I seem to entertain the empty parts and they hurt.
I told you all about my personal life coach with Kim McMechan which has been valuable each day. She brought to light many things I could just not articulate. I have also been on an exploration with a book she recommended called The Joy Diet. It has been life changing as well... When I say life changing I mean it will be right? I have a hard time with follow through these days. Always just feel so overwhelmed and I begin to tell myself the sad story of "Why bother?" When we went through our prenatal classes from Birthing From Within I was introduced to this concept of the stories we run through our heads that bring in fear, insecurity and just false thoughts. We get so worked up that we begin to believe them as true. The Joy Diet explores this too in the chapter entitled Truth. What are the painful stories I tell myself and how can I be sure they are truthful? Is my painful story working? Meaning is it helping me feel peaceful, balanced and able to face life's difficulties by growing and changing? yea usually not. Martha Beck reminds me to ask if there is another story that might work better. Reversing the lie. Its been great for me. There are many menu items (behaviors) to work through and I am only on the second which is truth but I am encouraged that I am able to sit down and really begin to pull back the layers of hardness I have seemed to inherit this past year.
From my session with Kim I have begun to understand a bit more of how I am made.. how at the end of the day my empty feeling is the result of not siphoning my creative energy in a positive way. I am aware of how I turn to the tv to turn off my mind and it leaves me empty. I have begun to really sit with projects and let my creative energy burn off in a positive way. My new mantra is "Little adjustments make way for huge miracles"
So as I enter my 28th year I am working towards being aware of my journey. I spent a good chunk of time on Sunday making some goals and removing expectations from myself. I have been mourning so much lately. Lost friends, Lack of Joy and peace in my life, a less than passionate relationship with my husband, the desire and disappointment of vulnerability and authenticity.
I reconnected with an old and dear friend the other day and it felt so good. I was reminded of a happier time and reminded that those times are not lost. They are richer now as I begin to just be more aware of the journey.

9 comments:

Marcy said...

But... you've also made some "new" friends this last year!! ;)

DavenHeather said...

you're right and for that i am soooo thankful!!!! thats a great reminder to my heart.

Dixie said...

Wow. We are absolutely going through the same thing lately. A couple of books by Henri Nouwen have been a big help to me. It must be something about being 28, I guess. I feel like I'm at the point of my life where I'm losing my idealism, and am becoming an "adult", looking at the world and myself and others differently. And that's a good, but hard process -- and the words you use, "authenticity" and "vulnerability", those are big for me. I guess we just have to keep on keeping on...

j. oates said...

heather, just want to say i relate to so much of what you are saying too. thanks for sharing i feel like you put my own thoughts into words.
you look great too.

New Born Baby Zone said...

I will be happy if you gonna add one more friend to your list...

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it.

Emily Deu said...

thanks for sharing...

love you

Stacie said...

Just sending you some virtual hugs.

Gina said...

Hey!! I saw the SOLD sign on the Choice website!! That's awesome, that was pretty quick for you guys as well... Now the real packing begins ugh.

valerie said...

Heather - you just get right to the point. I love that. Your honesty, your journey, all powerful. thanks for letting me share in it all :)