Sunday, May 27, 2012
I am having a hard time figuring out how to start this. I have a friend who warns me against posting too many personal things because it always involves someone else.. but I am throwing caution to the wind here cause I need to be heard. My voice has felt small and insignificant in some ways and yet looking back I realize my voice is heard where it needs to be heard these days. The thing I need to let go of is it just looks so different than I thought it would.
I love people.. I value people. I put my trust in others and I think I show loyalty, respect and unconditional love. This last year that has come to bite me in the ass. HARD. The very things I thought were my good qualities have become the voices in my head telling me I am unlovable and insignificant.
I have had many different groups of friends... I think looking back I have always been like that. Even in high school I was in several different groups of friends.. This last year has made me question whether people actually like me or just tolerate me... It always seems to be politics or I get thrown into triangles that I never wanted to be apart of.. I value each of my friends separately for who they are and who they mean to me... over the last year I have seen some of these relationships crumble and it hurts. Especially when I pour my heart and soul into my friends. One thing that's part of my story I guess...
The Stallion and I have talked lots in the last 6 months or so about what it means to be like Jesus. Someone said to me the other day that Jesus is kind of controversial these days... I like that.. I mean it resonates with me. He didn't hang out with the perfect, with the wealthy.. He touched those who had sinned and those with disease. He forgave, He walked with compassion... Oh how I want to live a life like that and more importantly I want to live out an example that my kids will follow. Life is not always fair or pretty and we all have so much to deal with on any given day. I have been collecting quotes these days.. writing them in my thankful journal. I try to spend a chunk of my quiet time in the morning writing down and soaking in the things that make me thankful.. that bring me joy.
"The most important thing in life is to to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."
"We think too much and feel to little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness"
"Fear grows out of the things we think; it lives in our minds. Compassion grows out of the things we are, and lives in our hearts"
I am writing this in hopes that my heart can begin to heal... I guess I have started the process. Being vulnerable has to be part of it. It's amazing how when I really ask myself the hard questions I am saturated with love from others... the women who have only entered my life in the last year or so, or those who I feel such an intense connection with, or the women in my bootcamps who inspire and empower me. I could easily just shut down and let the voices overcome me but I am choosing to move forward and continue to be me.. the women God made me. The one with fierce loyalty and unconditional love. I am surrounded by amazing people... I need to let go of the past and stop focusing on the heartache. But in that walking the fine line of not allowing bitterness to creep into my heart and steal my joy. I want to LOVE big. So watch out world.. I am starting here. I mean we all need to start somewhere right?