becoming... **edited

I feel oddly strange lately. Not bad, not good, not stressed, not calm but just strange. I sense something new.. something new inside me. I have been actively trying to be conscious lately. conscious of others, of myself and of the things that go on around me. Trying to hone in my mothering skills and be a better lover of my husband. The important stuff you know. I figure once I really am conscious about doing those things well the other things will fall into place.. or at least lay there in a less messy way. I had a panic attack a couple weekends ago. It was strange cause that is not normal in my world. I was laying in bed and I was full of fear. Not really sure I can pinpoint exactly what I was even afraid of. I forced Dave away from hockey and told him he had to come to bed. I was a mess. I woke up the next morning not really able to recall all that had gone on. But I felt better... I have had many instances over the weeks after that have seemed surreal to me. Just like I can better manage my thoughts, my feelings and my life. Like I said before I am just conscious.
I have been also making an effort to better the quality of my families life.. throwing out all the bad plastic (actually returning ALL of it to Walmart and getting tons of money back), went to a Norwex party and fell in LOVE. wanted to order it all but decided to have a party so if you are interested in a better, healthier, non chemical, good for the environment cleaning for your household let me know! So after feeling great about the healthy choices I was making I made a massive disgusting discovery on Sunday morning... lurking in the corner of the closet of my boys room was a huge gross thick green, white and black MOLD taking up residence... short side of a long story. my house is wet and the humidifier i had going since my kids always seemed to be sick was causing more moisture and the lack of air moving in that closet made a nasty patch. I LOST it.... it was like there was something inside of me that just waved a white flag and awarded myself "worst mom of the year award" after the guilt came the mama bear inside me that was pissed off and angry that no one seemed to care that this stuff was poisoning my kids. i didn't sleep that night.. i imagined little black spores floating around lovingly touching my kids cheeks as they slept. it was horrible. its gone now and the air purifier we bought has really made a difference in the quality of the air.... but inside of me i feel more stirring just an awareness that i want the BEST for my family, the cleanest, healthiest and happiest way to live.
all that sums up the last little while along with:
*an amazing weekend scrapping in Brandon
*a great part time job which i like more and more every day
*a great time celebrating daves birthday with treasured friends and family.
*friends in each different part of my life.. just amazed that i have a network of people around me that love me in different ways.
*boys that will be two soon.. full of life and energy and new things each day
*mothers day was good (aside from the mold) i feel blessed.
*looking forward to seeing a new life come into this world any day now.....
so much to be aware of and remain active and purposeful for.

** for those of you who commented already thank you.. and i am not pregnant.. yikes! the awaited life is a friend whom i am doulaing for...