Monday, August 22, 2005

mourning


the definition of mourning is the act of sorrowing. and the defintion of sorrow is to feel or express sorrow. go figure.
ever feel like you mourn yourself or the person you thought you were or maybe its the person you thought you could be and just aren't? deep huh.. yeah well maybe thats just me these days. sick of surface and shallow. sick of cliches and well meaning words that make you want to stick your finger down your throat.
ok ok too agressive i get it. the voice in the back of my mind warns me that i am a missionary, a christian, telling me to be careful. yeah well i am human and i am desperate to be real. i don't always feel joyful and happy all the time. but i am still me and i am still moving forward. maybe even making more strides then before.
i want to be free to be me.. free to feel sad, distant, angry, passion, joy, peace.
i love life - just the thought of what all that means; its the period of duration and of your usefulness, its the sequence of physical and mental experiences, its a principle and a force that is said to underlie the distinctive quality of who you are. beautiful. how do we succeed in living life succesfully?
dangerous wonder
risky curiosity
wild abandon
daring playfulness
wide-eyed listening
irresponsible passion
happy terror
naive grace
childlike faith
Just when I get my church all sorted out, sheep from the goats, saved from the damned, hopelss from the hopeful, somebody makes a move, gets out of focus, cuts loose, and I see why Jesus never wrote systematic theology. So you and I can give thanks that the core of Christian thinking appears to be shifting from North America where people write rules and obey them, to places like Africa and Latin America where people still know how to dance.
wow.
i don't think i remember how to dance anymore, but i sure want to learn again.

2 comments:

Nova said...

darling girl, whenever you feel too "deep" or "aggressive", remember that we are made in God's image. God is deep, and mysterious, and intense, and aches - which is why we are/do too. i hope you find your dancing shoes, dear. dancing makes me happy when all other things lose their joy. love, suj'n

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