Thursday, August 01, 2013

It's always darkest before the dawn.

My summer has been tough... I often sit on my couch flustered, overwhelmed and look around at all the things I should be doing. The guilt takes over and pushes me further and further down. I often feel like when I am at home I am in a deep dark hole. Even now as my needy toddler screams from his crib where he has been put for the 100th time out today.. I feel it.

For the last 7 years it's been a bit like that.. not always of course and it comes in seasons for me. I remember all I ever wanted was to be a mom... what else would I be? The Stallion and I were married less than 2 years before the twins came. Most of the time I wish we would have waited.. had more time just us. This past weekend we sent the twins to camp for the weekend and had just Jett at home... The Stallion made a comment about imagining what it would be like to have only one kid... we never had that. I was obviously excited and eager to become a mom... granted I didn't have the best possible start.. bed rest in hospital, 5 weeks early, NICU, c-section recovery, not being in my own city.. not to mention having just come out of years in YWAM and not really having time to settle into "regular life" it was ALOT. I feel a sort of disconnect when I think of that first year. Not any super clear memories. Survival mode. I don't know exactly when it hit me it slowly crept in I think but there came a time when I told myself I just really wasn't good at it... I had wanted it for so long and figured it would come easily.. when it didn't I spiralled. Sometimes The Stallion still catches me saying I''m just not good at it.. I know in my head that's a lie. My kids are loved, taken care of, well rounded and I think pretty good.

But the insides are a scary place... This summer has really hit me hard.. maybe going from work to holidays, going from teaching bootcamp classes to that ending.. all at once. My low times (hard to call it depression? blues? a turning inwards?) they come in seasons. Its not all the time and for the most part life is good.. Its such a disconnect sometimes. I realize too I'm lonely. I love people.. I love getting together with people but since a painful friendship ended awhile back I have had a harder time opening up and not feeling like I am too much... even now I laugh.. I have made some friends that I like to call non-commital... they don't make plans, don't like to make plans and that is so not me. But there is beauty in that too cause when we do make it work it's like magic. It's the kind of group of women I need. I guess I have never been great at inconsistency. There is always fear when writing these blogs that someone won't understand or get what you are trying to say.. when I write it's about me not other people.. it does not undervalue the appreciation and love I have for my friends the ones who I know (or at least think I know) get me and understand me and love me and know I love them no matter what I might write about. Even as I edit this blog I edit knowing that some people don't get this and that is so good.. cause we are all built and wired so differently. If we can't appreciate each others differences what do we have? I am not like any of my friends and that's the way it was meant to be...

I have had a hard time these past couple weeks figuring out exactly what it is that I am feeling. I love my kids but I just don't love being a full time stay at home mom... there I said it.. it's out. I said it to a couple friends the other day and I don't think they quite believed me or at least for sure could not relate.. and that's ok. I have to realize that is OK. I am not awful, not horrible and I am sure I am not alone...

Like many others in my area I have been deeply impacted by the story of Lisa Gibson. There are lots of articles in the Winnipeg Free Press if you are unfamiliar. As I watched the story unfold on the news I was just lost with words, my heart ached. A terrible tragedy. I had an instant soul connection to Lisa... how dark and lonely she must have been. I've had so many questions and so many introspective conversations with myself. It's easy to say "How terrible and I can't imagine being in that spot... I'd never do something like that..." But I bet if you asked Lisa on Tuesday evening she'd say the same. It's an unimaginable, dark, lonely place. I remember going to my doctor and asking for help. She quickly gave me a handful of samples... take some of these and maybe it will help?? So alone I went home and in the early afternoon took a little blue pill.. it could have been pink.. I don't remember. I don't really remember much from that day.. A heavy cloud settled in and I lost control.  I do know I felt nothing like myself and hated the lack of self control I had. I don't know what happened to the boys that afternoon. I know Dave came home and I was laying on my bed. I couldn't even move. I stayed there till the next morning. It was awful. I vowed never to do something like that again....

I can't tell you exactly how I came out of that.. time.. I guess. I also think it's looking up.. grabbing hold of the hope that I have always had inside. Clinging to promises that I will make it out.. It's always darkest before the dawn.






5 comments:

Christine said...

I want to comment, not sure how yet.

Stacey said...

I can definitely relate. All I ever wanted was to be a Mom. There was no question in my mind, no career plans. But it's so hard! And I'm an extrovert at heart. Being at home all day is so draining. And yet, sometimes I find that I have a hard time getting out and actually being with people because I don't want them to see my struggles. And it's dang hard to find a babysitter. If there is one thing I have learned from Lisa Gibson, it's that it's super hard to find good help when you are struggling. She had begged to be admitted to the psych ward, and was just given a prescription instead.

kelly ens said...

I'm finding it challenging to know what to say, especially since we don't REALLY know each other. I'm encouraged by your openness and honesty about the difficulty of your summer and being home full-time with the kids. I don't want to tell you what to do and give you "simple" solutions and on the flip side, I don't want to say nothing and pretend like it's not an issue.

I love being a full-time stay at home mom, but i have friends who don't, and so they work. As moms, we are in this together; judging another mom for her choice to either work or stay home, does each other no good. So if you're the best mom you can be by working and then pouring into them when you're at home, then do that! (And by working, you are still pouring into them, just not face-to-face).

Are you on a summer break from work? Will you be back to work once the boys are back at school? I pray you'll be able to find some answers for this next month of summer holidays; something that feeds your soul and drowns out the darkness.

Carmelle said...

Thanks for your bravery in sharing from the heart.
You are loved.

T Loewen said...

being a mom doesn't mean you have to be with them 100% of the time. you love them 100%. that's the most important. it's hard work. they're not perfect, we're not perfect but we try to make the best of the time you do have together. end your day by celebrating all your victories whether they are big or small. don't beat yourself up. you are a good mom. your little men are lucky to have you.