Saturday, April 02, 2011

not alone but lonely

Do you ever feel like you are alone in your own world? I mean you are surrounded by people and you feel comfort cause I mean in some ways you have created what's going on around you... but you still feel alone?? I feel that way lately. I feel there is just a huge piece missing... I was thinking hard about this last night and kind of came to a semi- conclusion that it may not be anything missing... but the fact that I want MORE!!! I went out this week with a friend that I don't have a long past with.. we have only been friends the last few years... and we don't hang out often enough.. but I felt like me. I felt like I was known. It was a breath of fresh air.

I have always been tired of the fake.. try way to hard stuff. I am tired of that and want to surround myself with depth and character. I'm not talking only about the people I surround myself with but for myself too.... It's always got to start with me.

We have been walking a heavy path in a Spiritual matter lately.. it's left me heartbroken and again lonely. It's hardest when Dave and I are not necessarily on the same path.. I mean we are not on different paths but we are on different emotional levels.. me being emotional about things that hurt and him just being un-emotional about anything... I mean really the guy is as even keel as they come. I have seen him mad like really mad maybe once and he rarely gets really excited about things.. I mean not like I get excited. Smiling can be really excited for him... oh don't get me wrong.. there is no one I love more and no one more perfect for me, just sometimes it's hard to feel things deep down... I think it comes down to I want to be known... isn't that what we all want. I can think back to times when I have been known.. I mean really known. Those times feel long ago. I can say that my relationship with God has grown in this time.. I mean He knows me. He loves me in the midst of all of it....

I am understanding more and more about myself and even as I've written this I feel I have come more to terms with the fact that I may feel like a stranger in my own life some days but that's the beauty of the journey. I mean if only I could imagine where He will take me.. even just a glimpse sometimes send me sailing.. It's a beautiful beautiful thing.

Came across this one the other day while going through old photos.. It is SO good to be known by these guys...



7 comments:

Dixie Vandersluys said...

Yep. This post is just another reason why I need to make the most of being only an hour away from you! Let's get together soon!!

valerie said...

Heather. Your words could be mine. My constant thought and goal in life is to be real...and to try to be real in the way God wants me to be real. It's a tough road, and one that not everyone appreciates, but I know that your heart is so real and true, and that you value real relationships, and real commitment. You're blessed with boys who will value you. Your heart, and your love. Such a gift. Keep being you. Even when you feel like you're lonely. Because you're never, ever alone.
Love ya.

Amanda said...

so real. love. you aren't alone.

Justina said...

Yep...know what you mean! Too bad we aren't closer so we could spend real time together. And it could be girl time in the midst of overwhelming boyness!!!

Megan Hildebrand said...

Heather,
LOVE this post. I struggle with this too sometimes. Love your words. Be encouraged.

Carmelle said...

There is something so fantastic when you can be in a friendship that is real and feel like someone else "gets" you for you. I hear ya.

Corinna said...

I can relate on many levels Heather, including the husband even keel non-emotional one! I wish we lived closer. :)