Wednesday, June 13, 2007

wide open

so this is me being terrified... as you might have picked up on my last post things have been not so great around the difran house.. its mostly me.. my attitude has been in the crapper and i have been feeling slimed left and right.. this morning it hit me.. HARD. i am terrified and in my fear i am welcoming all sorts of lies.. this weekend i have my 10 year high school reunion. many mixed emotions are coming to the surface. high school doesn't bring too many fond memories for me.. don't get me wrong i have good memories but the person i was back then is just so far from who i am these days and its hard to reconcile the two.. and with the eminent crashing of those two people this weekend its left me a little wounded.
i was pretty well liked.. had a great bunch of friends. i had different sets of friends.. there were those who i would consider friends and we would talk everyone once in awhile no hostility or anything and then there were these two girls who i did everything with.. we were a little posy and i loved it. we have all since grown apart but they bring me fond memories... i had moments - big mistakes and lots of little mistakes... i tried so hard to be somebody else and definitely didn't know who i was or who i was meant to be.. i dated bad guys for me and did stupid things in hopes of keeping those relationships.. my heart was broken badly and i pushed those things deep down inside until some time later. i was mean to certain people all out of my own insecurities and my desperate need to be liked and noticed. its painful to look back on some of it. but in the midst of pain there comes deep appreciation for the woman i am now and the path i took after. i have been around the world and made a complete change in all areas of my life.. at least i thought i had until today.. i really see the need to have it all together and especially now i want to look a certain way to certain people... so far from who i thought i had become. maybe this is just a little bump in the road and a great way to remember who i really am and how far i have come. i spent almost 10 year away from my home town and although i never felt i ran it has been hard coming back and with this approaching gathering where i will bump into old friends, old boyfriends and old "enemies" i am careful to remember that the old is gone and the new has come.. life has come out of these places. new life.
i am going to choose to remember the restoration that has taken place and the new freedom i have in knowing who i am.. who i really am.
so heres to seeing old friends and making new friends and for trying to remember that although i survived high school what comes next is meant for thriving.


Chris & Crystal said...

Oh Heather. I wanted to say, I think you have changed so much from those days! Don't be scared. Hold your head up high and remember who you are right now. And the best thing to remember is that all those people have changed too. They may be feeling the same way you are and you can be the one to be strong. Love you lots and have fun:)

Anonymous said...

Heather, we've all changed in the last 10 years, mostly for the better I hope. I'm scared too, but I know that I will have friends I am comfortable with nearby.


Marcy said...

In my experience, high school reunions are WAY overrated. The people I wanted to see didn't come anyway. And everyone was more concerned about themselves than the rest of us. Don't worry. You'll be fine.
(I think you turned out great!)

Gina said...

Heather, I agree with all the comments from others, but totally understand how you feel. I as well do not want to go to mine next year, I would instead like to be gone that weekend! But it's true in 10 years everyone changes at least a bit... Have fun!

kelly said...

like you, i'm scared about my reunion...but i chose not to go! now i wonder if i'm trying to run from it, or if it's legitimate. high school wasn't great and wasn't horrible. i just don't feel like i want to spend a couple of days with all of those people since i am in a new place in life - i have new friends, i am a different person, and i just don't have the desire to be there.
so, i consider you brave for going!

hannah said...

heath, i can really relate to this wrote beautifully...i love ya.

valerie said...

Heather - I had the same feelings with my 10 year - but went, and had a blast. Thank God we can grow and change. Believe it. Live it. (and you are :) )

Anonymous said...

Ya highschool was pretty upsetting. I was made fun of and harrassed and I made it through highschool, and I am stronger now then ever. Its sad when you have to be someone else just to impress your own friends and hurt those that you hurt. Its nice to see that you gone a different route and know exactly what you were in highschool cause for those who knew you will never forget what kind of person you were and your friends. Good luck with the future.