Sunday, January 28, 2007

one step forward two steps back

ahhh what a letdown.. last week went so well and this weekend seems to have just brought me back to my reality... oh yea my life is HARD.... other than my body lacking in energy, the boys draining me of everything i have, sleep deprivation (although its getting a tad better), my temper being atrocious... yea enough said..
dave and i were chatting this morning and he said that maybe we just have to resign to the fact that life sucks right now and if we do that then it won't seem so bad.
i love my boys but part of me is feeling a tiny bit of resentment.. my life has changed so much and although i love them and love being with them i feel unfufilled and sad most of the time. i am pretty sure i may not be cut out to be a stay at home mom and that does make me feel so guilty. i was reading over at another multiple moms blog and she said the same thing which gave me a feeling of freedom.. especially living in the community that i do where pretty much every mom is at home almost like its her duty and i always thought i wanted that but now i am not sure.. i definitly don't want to miss out on everything but even a few hours a week doing something else i am good at... (insert thought here for all of you.. I know i am a good mom. this is not in despute or the point so don't go that route)
anyways these are my thoughts.. last week was good. the first day of moms morning out happend on tuesday which basically will save me each tuesday for the next few weeks. it was awesome. two hours of childcare and a great program just for me. tuesday night dave and i went to the city to meet up with an old friend from vancouver which was awesome. my mom and dad were here with the boys which went well. wednesday morning i meet with a bunch of ladies and wednesday night was our first night of small group with some people from our church.. it was fantastic i really think we will enjoy it.. for those of you who faithfully read my blog funniest thing was that one of the couples is the manager of Canadian Tire.. how ironic. maybe that will be part of my healing from my horrible experience there...thursday i spent time with my mom and of course watched Grey's in the evening which gives me an hour to totally escape my life. and then friday i was childless for the afternoon as my mom took noah and my good friend rhonda took ari.. this was excellent. i did stuff around the house and got ready for company we were having that night.. p.s - wade if you read this.. i made your tikka masala recipe which was the best thing i have ever had and reminded me of my severe cravings for your curry during my pregnancy.. thanks for sharing. shoot i have more to write but both boys are crying.. i will try to write again this week.. sorry.


lagiulia said...

I am sorry you are feeling these difficult feelings. Speaking from personal experience, I risk saying I have been where you are. Also speaking from personal experience, I do believe it will get better as they get older, for many reasons, amongst which are more independent play, mobility, and less breastfeeding (if you are still doing that). BUT, I know that does not help you with your current situation. I went through some really rough months, and only now, at about 15 months old, do I feel like I am coming out of a fog of pregnancy and early motherhood. I feel a little more like myself for the first time in ages. During those dark times, I do wish i had reached out to friends more for support (in real life and in online life). And I wish I had taken my husband up on his suggestion that we hire someone to watch the boys a couple afternoons a week. I didn't feel we could afford it, but looking back it would have been better for everyone involved regardless.
I am trying to find a 20 hr/week job for next year, mostly because i know I have to return to teaching full-time the year after that, and i want to transition myself and the boys into that lifestyle smoothly. But I do wonder whether knowing a change is coming up is helping me feel better, too. -Even though I find it hard to admit to myself, if it is true. I don't know if anyone is "cut out" to be a stay-at-home mom. I think there are tons of reasons why people do that, and not all of the reasons have to do with the fact that they are wonderful mommies. I think every woman has a lot to offer to her children and to the outside world, and I think finding a balance that is right for you is important. I have a feeling I will be doing a lot of trial and error to find that balance, and you will too probably.
Anyway, I'm sorry life is sucking right now. I think this age of twins is extremely hard, and also their recent sickness has probably worn you down. I hope even in the bad times, there are moments of relief here and there. Much love to you, my friend.
PS-Hey, maybe we could email on a regular basis? I could use a twins mom friend to vent with. Let me know.

DavenHeather said...

thanks lagiulia.. i feel exactly the things you wrote... i would love to keep emailing.. expect one soon.. again thank you..