Sunday, April 07, 2013

try hard life

I am not feeling balanced lately... feel like I need to let go a bit more. Of the try hard part of life anyways. Purge... physically, mentally and emotionally.

I have a confession to make.. I have not been blogging cause I am unsure this is the best platform for me anymore...  I want to be honest, vulnerable.. you all know it's one of the most important things to me but I feel like if I am honest people will misunderstand or.. something. I do not feel like I can be as honest as I would like... this week I was accused of being something that goes completely against my character and while I want to validate people's feelings sometimes people's perceptions of things are off and can label you as something you are not.

I spoke to a group of Gr 7/8 girls a few months ago and it went SO well. I felt like God gave me some amazing things to share and I was challenged for sure. I talked alot about hiding and the things we hide behind.. our fears, our insecurities, shame, our character. I have thought so much about what I have hidden behind.. my fear of being really seen, of being too much. I want to be free.. to let go of the try hard life.

Lately a struggle I have been having is where that self acceptance comes from... I am the queen of self sabotage.. seriously a wonder to be seen. I feel like I have taken a few steps back in this area compared to where I was even a few months ago.. feeling so insecure in myself. It's actually surprised me and I am convinced it's the dreaded word.. it's a pattern that the word I choose even before the new year starts really dictates what I learn, where I pull things from and how I wound myself. Worthy.. pretty big word. BUT the best part is that every year I work through it and I LEARN and most of the time I CONQUER.

Anyways back to the struggle. Seems I have put so much emphasis on the physical stuff.. like having the cutest clothes, or getting to my goal weight or what I look like will give me that self acceptance. Bull shit. It's impossible. I know that... nothing I do to myself will make me happy.. the power is inside me.

I have recently become part of a small group... a group of women who for some reason or other connect. Like really connect. We are all SO different yet when we are together we can be ourselves. Honest, vulnerable, silly and there is zero competition... zero judging. I never feel bad when I leave always uplifted and as if I am a part of something so special. They have taught me to have more courage, that mistakes are mistakes... move on, they have taught me that even when faced with a whole crap load of mess - it's in the messy that we grow, that we can be nurtured and that we can reach out to Jesus and HE will be there. I have also had an incredible time remembering where I have come from... remembering what it was like to travel to desolate places and how the fat around my belly keeps me from remembering the fact that people don't even have clean water or food to eat. Seriously. What is wrong with me??

So in full disclosure I am struggling here with what to write and how you will take it. I am ok I am not in a place of needing to be fixed.. I am just in a place of discovering that what I look like, or how you perceive me just needs to go away. If I can't be honest and vulnerable then this is not the platform for me. I don't want a perfect picture... If I ever get to complete perfection and happiness something is very wrong. I have another blog post rolling around in my head about integrity but I'll save that for another day. I hope to continue on here.. if anyone is actually still reading.. and if not well then I guess I can be more open and vulnerable cause no one will care.. haha.

Thankful for a space to write and share.


Stacey said...

I'm reading. And nodding my head in agreement. I hope you choose to keep blogging.

kelly ens said...

I also hope you'll keep blogging. I think the world needs more vulnerability and authenticity, especially in the struggles of life. I greatly appreciate that you share openly/honestly.
It's harder for some people to let those insensitive comments role off their back than others, but I pray that God will give you the ability to cling to HIS truth about who you are, and not the false words that others are feeding you.

marcy said...

mwah. miss you.