Tuesday, August 03, 2010

on Jett & life



Wow 8 weeks already! It's amazing how fast it goes. I am also wondering how the heck it got to be August already??!! I am torn between making this post only pictures and keeping it light or telling you all how I really feel.... oh you know me so well.

8 weeks

I am tired. Really tired. I am unsure I like the feeling's I am having. Although I don't remember much of the first year with the boys these feeling's feel somewhat familiar. Jett is terribly cute but also hard to manage some days. He has had tummy issues from day one - I even cut out dairy! In the last few days if he is not being held he is screaming (in the evening even if he is held is screaming) His sleep is atrocious... impossible to put down. He does get one good strech of 4 hours from about 10pm till 2am and then we are back to feeding every 2 hours.... it's a vicious cycle. I know my milk supply is plenty (I pumped the other day and in 10 minutes I got 8 oz - this mama makes enough milk for the school yard)

I am kind of at a loss. It's tiring and I feel so bad for the older boys who get so little of my attention these days. Like even right now Jett is laying down (which is rare - I got him to sleep by putting him on his tummy - I know I know call CFS see if I care) the boys are having quiet time and so I am alone for like maybe 10 minutes... till someone wants juice or a snack or boobie.

And for this next part if any of you are reading this and this is your life please don't comment about it.. I am happy for you and all but I don't want to hear it right now.. I can't handle hearing anymore people talking about how there infants sleep for 8-9 hour stretches!! Seriously shut up!! I even had to hide some people's status's from appearing in my facebook news feed cause I was going to throw up if I have to read it anymore.

I think part of me expected this would be easy.. I mean it is easy in comparison to having twins but yet I just thought it would be easier. Dave and I fight all the time.. mostly about either dealing with a screaming newborn or how to parent our other two. It's all tiring. And then this happened...

This morning I was sitting outside with a cup of coffee watching N & A ride their bikes and rocking J in his car seat with my foot re-reading Traveling Mercies (a life changing book - and yes Bud I will return it) I am not sure if I missed this part or what but today it practically jumped off the page...

"Christianity is about water. It's about baptism, full immersion, falling into something elemental and wet. Most of what we do in wordly life is gared toward our staying dry, looking good, not going under. But in baptism - in lakes and rain and tanks you agree to do something that's a little sloppy because at the same time it's holy and absurd. It's about surrender; giving in to all those things we can't control: it's a willingness to let go of balance and decorum and get drenched.
And in the Christian experience of baptism, the hope is that when you go under and you come out, maybe a little disoriented, you havn't dragged that old day along behind you. The hope, the belief is that a new day is upon you now. A day when you take God at God's word about cleanness and protection. "When though passeth thru the water, I will be with thee; and through the river's, they shall not overflow thee."
God isn't there to take away our suffering or pain but to fill it with his presence."


So there you have it.. I am such an imperfect parent and flawed woman BUT I am trusting that this too shall pass and with refinement and more grace than a girl knows what to do with.. I shall come out of the water facing a NEW day... better than the one I was holding onto... and for all those perfect people who post their perfect status's I hope you too find what your looking for.

19 comments:

Eva said...

I applaud you for being honest. So many people think I'm fake because I don't share those intimate, hard times openly. Truth be told.. it's because I'm scared of being judged {and mostly because my husband is scared of being judged}. But with baring it all comes release and freedom... Something I don't have.
Beautiful, perfect words.. a book worth reading by the sounds of it.

~ Eva. {www.ehphotography.ca}

rachel said...

Heather - you are so honest. Those feelings are still fresh in me from the first year of dealing with a baby - I look back and don't know how I survived with JUST one. You are doing 3... amazing. and those statuses - well... hmm.. I don't get it. Brody still gets up some nights (lately he is sleeping very little compared to others his age I am told) and he's 19 months...I too sometimes wonder - is it really rosy? or is that just the perception people want others to have?... I will be thinking about you and hope that things get better... :)I think back to Brody's baby baby life and I like this age SO much better!!

Wenona said...

So sorry things are rough right now Heather. I'll be praying for you and that some tummy/sleep issues will be resolved quickly.
Be blessed today...

Courtney said...

Love you! Life is hard... Hopefully next time we make it out that way we can visit!!

Jamy said...

Oh heather, I feel bad that you are feeling at such a loss. I sure hope things will get better for you soon, and I will pray that they do.
As for the tummy sleeping...both my kids were on their tummies. I was gonna keep A on her back but as soon as I switched her, she started sleeping better.
I admire your strength. Your positive attitude really shines through, even though you're feeling down.
Stay strong

Crystal said...

You are such a beautiful strong woman, my dear Heather! Thanks for posting this. This right here is the reason I love you so much :)
And I know LOTS of moms who put their kids on their stomachs - do it if it's workin' for him!
And I love the picture of him in the bath, such a chubster.

valerie said...

Oh Heather. Thank you for being honest. Life just is tough sometimes. I totally understand the feeling about NOT sleeping...and hearing about everyone else's successful sleepers, and someone else's ideas...OH. I still burn with anger when I think about it. (and it was 4-6 years ago). lol...
My friend. This too shall pass. AND am I ever looking forward facing a new day with you. We'll talk soon. Miss you.

Karla said...

Oh my dear Heather, you're reading the right book. My most beloved book in all my library. THe one that is underlined and sticky-noted and dog-eared and bent out of shape. I remember the first time I read Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies, I wept and wept at the truth she lays out in the most amazing ways. I still weep when I read certain passages from that book - it has been so life-giving to me. SO, all that to say, I am so grateful that you are finding yourself in those pages these days. Hoping that you will find rest for your soul, for your marriage, for your spirit, and for your body.

carol said...

I used to babysit a little girl who had tummy troubles. Her Mom went back to work after 4 months because she couldn't handle the stress of the crying baby all the time. If you need a break, I will take your baby for a while. I know you have support, but with me, you know I've done it before ( and the baby is a bright 8 year old now)so she survived, and Mom had peace. It's an offer. It's a serious one. I'm here to help. :-)

Heather said...

I am thankful for all of you! Thank you.

Stacey said...

Ugh. I hear you on the sleep issues. Emery WAS doing great, and then all hell broke loose! Last week she was doing the same thing as your little man, the waking every two hours thing. Not cool at all. I can't wait to get some sleep someday.

Life with a newborn is hard. It really is. Sometimes I think we just have to go into survival mode til we make it through.

I was talking to my mother-in-law the other day about when she had her twins. She said somehow she made it through the first year, and THEN she totally crashed. I have huge respect for you twin mamas! She is now the most calm, quiet, loving woman I've ever seen. I know you can make it through this :) {{hugs}}

Jeff and Melissa said...

you are a sweet and beautiful person. a loving mother, the ONLY one for ari, noah and jett. i pray that God would dunk you under in baptism every single morning so you know you have His grace and mercy for the entire day. you are loved.

Jen said...

This was my first year with my son Andrew. He never slept and I mean never. He was up every hour at night and slept about 20-30 min at a time during the day. I had advise coming from every direction.
I totally know how upsetting it is to hear how everyone around you has perfect sleeping babies. In my world they don't exsist.
I used to think oh Lord just help me through the day. Other times it was just help me through the hour.
Try to keep your spirits high. You are a wonderful Mom!

marcy said...

oh sweetie.
i'm so sorry you're feeling this way, but i have no doubt you're doing a fabulous job.
it will always be something. oh goodness... even with a (almost) 11 year old!!!! ack!
stay positive dear!
you rock!

Karla said...

I almost forgot to tell you that I can't believe how much DiFrancesco is in Jett when his eyes are open. So. Totally. Dave. What a cutie pie!

RLE said...

I found with both my son and my girls
I had struggles in the first year - sleep deprivation is insane. I had PPD with my son in the first months and then with the girls around 18 months or so for a little while. Every baby is different - I think those people who have infants who sleep a long time at night are the exception, not the rule, though they seem to think they have to share with the rest of us. The mice thing with tummy troubles is that they usually clear up around 4-5 months when the little baby bellies can handle digestion a little better, so hopefully soon!
Hang in there, I used to say to myself - tomorrow has to be better than today, and usually it was! :)

Gina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gina said...

Hope things are getting better Heather. I appreciate your real honest emotions. As for those picture perfect facebook statuses, I'm so with you on that and probably have a lot of the same ones blocked ;)

Corinna said...

I had to laugh at you blocking the statuses thing! I had that same feeling when Anna was a bit littler, I could've thrown up. Add to that, that some of these moms were working out and losing tons of weight while their babes were sleeping and my gag reflex was at an all time high. Love your baptism quote...so true and beautiful. God will help you through, nothing better than being raw and honest Heather. You're a good writer, maybe once you start sleeping more you should get writing yourself!