do what you love.

do what you love. love what you do.

8 words. my new mantra.

I am going to be 35 in a few months... I LOVE birthdays.. I get better and better every year. And now I feel like I am finally where I am meant to be.. still moving forward for sure.

All the bumps along the way have lead me here. They have shaped me and some have defined the path I walked. God's plan will always be greater and more beautiful than all of my disappointments.

 There will be a few times in your life

when all your instincts will tell you to

do something, something that defies logic,

upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When

that happens you do it. Listen to your instincts

and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the

odds, ignore the complications and

just GO FOR IT.

~Judith McNaught

Right? So good!

do what you love. love what you do.

Jump Start!

This week has been a long one of treats and my willpower has taken a hit.. I know I have choices and try to make good ones but often I revert back to my treat mentality.. if I have had a long day I tell myself I deserve that treat.. or I am feeling stressed so I turn to that white fluffy paska bun.. Is anyone on this path with me??!! I have done this Re-start once before and felt incredible so I figure after this weekend it's time to clean out the system and get a jump start back on the wagon! So I am offering it to anyone who wants to join me. I have limited supplies so it will be first come first served. So what is it? Well the Shakeology 3-day Cleanse!!

Want to cleanse your body of toxins and lose 3-10 pounds in just 3 days? If you answered yes, then you have to try this cleanse!! I've done the Shakeology 3-day cleanse and I lost 5 pounds probably mostly water weight but it felt great to clean out my system so I could get that junk out!

About the Cleanse:
The Shakeology cleanse is unlike other popular cleanses because you actually get to eat real food! the Shakeology cleanse is a calorie restricted, nutrient-rich cleanse based around my favorite drink, Shakeology. There are no strange drinks, vinegar, or constant running to the bathroom on this cleanse! With the 3-day Shakeology cleanse, you won't be starving yourself or feel like a zombie. This cleanse is a safe and healthy way to cleanse our body of harmful toxins, decrease water retention and bloating, get rehydrated, lose weight, jump start your metabolism, and increase energy!

Benefits:

• rids your body of harmful toxins
• provides you body with nutrient dense calories
• decreases water retention and bloating
• helps with nutrient absorption and efficiency
• rehydrates your body
• helps you lose weight
• gives your metabolism a boost
• renews your energy
• gets your body regular
• jump starts your weight loss and fitness routine

The Shakeology 3-day Cleanse Explained:
The Shakeology 3-day cleanse is an innovative way to use Shakeology as a cleanse. The schedule is easy to follow and is different than other cleanses because it is actually a "performance cleanse". What this means is that in most instances you can still do it along with your regular workout or fitness program.The Shakeology cleanse can also be used to look your best before a big event such as a wedding, beach vacation, high school reunion, etc. No matter what your reason is for cleansing, here's the instructions to follow:

Keep in mind that while it is ok to continue your normal fitness routine while doing this cleanse, INTENSE EXERCISE SHOULD BE AVOIDED! So if you are doing P90X or Insanity, plan the Shakeology cleanse for your recovery week. This cleanse is also a GREAT way to jump start any fitness routine or effort to eat clean. Just follow the 3-day schedule as outlined below right before you begin and really kick off your transformation!

Frequently Asked Questions:
How many calories will I be consuming each day throughout the cleanse?
800-1,100 calories per day

How often can I do the Shakeology Cleanse?
Ideally you should do it no more than once per quarter (every 3 months). Schedule a cleanse when you start a new workout program or use it it if you feel that you need help breaking through a weight-loss plateau.

Should I/Can I still do my workout during the Cleanse?
Honestly this depends on the individual. You'll have less energy so consider doing it during a recovery week. Always remember not to compromise proper form and safety during your workout if you are lacking energy.

Can I do a 1-day or 2-day cleanse?
YES!! Some people will see results in just 1 or 2 days. Do not do the cleanse for more than 3 days!

Should I continue to take other supplements during the Shakeology cleanse?
Other vitamin and mineral supplements are not necessary during the cleanse. Refrain from taking any other Beachbody supplements like Results & Recovery or Energy & Endurance because of the sugar content.

 

How much does it cost?
The Shakeology cleanse kit costs $45 and includes 9 packets of Shakeology and 5 bags of green tea and me!

If you are interested in giving the Shakeology 3-day cleanse a try or would like more information email me heatherdifran@gmail.com 

Lets do it together! Again I am only able to do offer this to a limited number of people so let me know!

Young Living April Promo

HA! My terrible freeze frame... Happy April friends!

A better me.. inside & out.

I posted before why I became a Beachbody Coach and ultimately am still everyday realizing how lucky I am to be apart of such an amazing thing.. I often was looking for health & fitness to come together for me.. I have found nutrition in other supplements that I liked and I have found fitness in areas I liked.. but none of them ever came together in such a perfect package.

Until I found Beachbody and T25 and the 21 Day Fix. I am eagerly waiting on Les Mills Pump (We ordered it cause it interested Dave but I am also going to try it out and can't wait since I love lifting heavy weights.)

The working out part was not a huge change I was used to exercising regularly although the 25 or 30 min workouts that I could do at home helped alot... But what really has changed for me is adding Shakeology into my daily routine. It is my daily one dose of dense superfood nutrition. It is not a protein powder it is SO much more.. The cancer fighting, wrinkle reducing, energy inducing antioxidants and superfoods are in one shake. Nutrition is the biggest part of a healthy lifestyle.  Check it out and see!

It has helped reduce my cravings and given me a simple easy breakfast.. especially when I am on the go in the mornings.. I love how the Stallion has also jumped on board and we are both loving our daily shake!!

Nothing feels as good as healthy feels. It has literally changed me from the inside out. I'd love to help you so if you want to try it out let me know! I have samples and would love to help you find a program that could jump start your journey to complete health & fitness!

"I've got the Joy Joy Joy Joy down in my heart.... "

WHERE?
Down in my heart to stay!

And I can tell you I am so happy. In my classes I relate this oil to a bit of kooky... I just find it overwhelming that a blend of single oils.. (Rose, Bergamot, Madarin, Ylang Ylang, Lemon, Geranium, Jasmine, Palmarosa, Chamomile & Rosewood) can produce this magnetic blend that brings to the mind, heart & soul.

Better than me trying to tell you in words which I feel would fail.. You can watch this video and hear it for yourself.

Thankful for a more balanced me. (and a crazy screen shot.. ) :)

Why I do what I do?

Life is a busy one lately. I am finding so much Joy and Life in the things I am involved with right now. I wake up each day amazed that I get to spend time helping others. Young Living Essential Oils came into my life when I wasn't looking and it has been the biggest blessing. Funny thing I am sitting here alone at Coffee Culture on a Sunday afternoon after a tiring week and just needing some quiet time to work and plan the week. I've been here no more than 10 minutes and been approached by 3 people asking about oils.. Seriously amazed. I was sharing in an Oil Class last week how amazed I am by the fact that God gave us this stuff.. He made all these plants and how awesome it is that some people are so motivated by the science and health of it that they created these power packed healing oils and I can share them with people and help people live their best healthy lives.. so good.

Anyways I figured I would start putting some of this up on my blog. Sort of thinking I will use this blog again. Personal as well as to share Oils and my Health & Fitness journey with Beachbody.. still trying to figure out how all of this will work but knowing that God has given me this one precious life and He has big plans!!! 

For those of you wondering what I use the oils for.. This is how I started.. I saw the Medicine Cabinet Makeover flyer below and saw so many things my family deals with on there and thought this would be a great way to start. I have built my stash from there and am loving reading up on new ways I can help my body with oils. But if you are looking for a place to start this is the best place to come to... 

The Medicine cabinet makeover oils conveniently come in the Premium Starter Kit along with some other goodies including a bottle of Stress Away.. which I carry in my purse and use daily.. on neck pain, headaches and just when I need something to help me not sweat the small stuff. I love the smell and love how 10 minutes later I forget what the start of a headache felt like.  As a member of Young Living you also become a wholesale member and can order as much or as little as you want. No obligation, No fee.. no pressure. Just the sweet victory of taking a step to get rid of the chemical drugs you have been using or maybe it's a way to help with the side effect of a drug you are on.. Either way you look at it you win! 

For those of you reading this who use Young Living Essential Oils which are your faves from the Premium Starter Kit and how are you using them?

part two

I was introduced to Young Living Essential Oils in November of 2013 by my very good friend from my YWAM days. Audrey had been using them to help her family and shared them with me mostly because of our ongoing fight with respitory issues. It's a struggle we have had since the twins were born.. years of puffers, steroid treatments at the ER and Jett had been on singular for over a year. And still we were visiting the ER multiple times per year.

 

I love using natural products on my family and so this was something I wanted to try.. Essential Oils are not new they have been around FOREVER.. Jesus anointed people with oils and all of these amazing oils come from plants He created.. I bought my starter kit and started figuring out what worked for us... and wow did it work. I knew after a few weeks that this was something I had to share with people.. I think we have established I am a passionate person and especially over things I truly believe in. So this was not a new thing for me.. Every day I received emails from people or read testimonies on our facebook groups of how these oils are CHANGING lives.. like serious stuff. I just don't know how to share them enough.. I truly want to help people. I want to motivate, inspire and encourage people. I want to share the health & wellness path with as many people as I can.

We have not used puffers/singular or any over the counter meds since we started using oils and it's amazing to see what it has done for us.. cost wise and health wise. I want people to know more not just walk away cause it's unknown. Contact me I'll come do an info night for you or come join one of the amazing facebook groups and hear about it for yourself. 

Lately I have heard people talk about the whole network marketing thing and I just need to share what's on my heart. SO I hope you will take the time to watch this video and it will help you understand why I do what I do.. OH and I almost forgot.. I realize not everyone is on facebook so send me a message I have an awesome online class via email I can send you to learn more about oils!!! <3 div="">

 

a new day.

I have been contemplating this post but realized after talking to a few people that I need to write this out... people probably are not reading this anymore anyways..

 

Life has been full for me over the last few months. Full of joy and new adventure. I have been navigating familiar but new roads... familiar in the way that I am finally re-discovering the passions that have always been a part of my DNA and new because I am just not the girl I used to be.. I am alive. I am full of passion and an awareness of who I am meant to be... it feels GOOD.

 

If you follow me on any social media (facebook.. instagram) you will have noticed that I am into some stuff.. I am a leader, a coach, a distributor and mostly a passionate woman sharing things that are changing lives! I am trying to figure out how to navigate these new avenues and my goal and hope is to brand myself to be able to share a complete health & wellness lifestyle with those I come into contact with. This is no easy task.

 

So for now let me introduce you to my new passions.  I am a beachbody coach. You know beachbody.. insanity, p90x, shakeology... I started on this journey in November. I have tried a lot of things.. I have jumped on a lot of bandwagons... some have worked, some have failed.. miserably. After a fairly traumatic and emotionally messy ending to the last thing I was involved with I needed some time.. in fact I felt God tell me to stop everything and just be. My season of doing nothing lasted from May of 2013 till November of 2013.. It was a good season of waiting patiently and not necessarily anticipating the next thing but just knowing that I could sit and be still and be enough. Gosh I love that word.

 

I followed some women on Instagram that were doing Beachbody programs and watched the transformation videos on youtube and was so inspired! I did lots of research and decided I wanted to try T25.. and like all in try.. put up the calender on my wall and check off each day, each workout. I was all in. I was ready for a change..  It was a small investment that has produced amazing results.. I commited to T25 and completed the 10 week program and have never felt better. I lost just over 11" and best of all have finally proved that I can commit and follow through.. When you sign up for a challenge pack with BB you also get Shakeology for the month. This has been HUGE for my success... I admit at first I didn't like it... but seriously after 5 or 6 days I craved it! It has changed my gut, I have more energy then ever and just feel great. Its a perfect super food meal replacement.. not just protein but it's powerpacked! You can read about it here www.shakeology.com/heatherdifran

Best part is that now the Stallion is also onto it.. he makes his shake every morning and loves the energy and fullness it gives him all morning.

 

BIGGEST best part about the success of my T25 journey was the challenge groups. I thrived being able to check in every day with other people pushing play on their DVD players and dialing in their nutrition.. it was constant motivation. Encouragement and motivation produce results. Ok... so fast forward I was approached with the coaching spiel and honestly it just felt perfect for me. I have always wanted to motivate and inspire people to live their best lives.. and this WORKED. After a bunch of clear signs saying it was ok and it was time I decided to sign up.. if for anything I would get the coach discount which enabled me to get mine and the Stallions Shakeology for cheaper. Although honestly I knew in my heart I wanted more... So I signed up and got plugged into an amazing coaching family!! So much support for the coaches on my team. I have made some big goals and want to help others get there too... I have a love for fitness (esp ones that work), a motivation for better health & wellness, a love for people and I want to help people become successful.

 

I mean seriously people are able to quit their jobs and stay home with their kids and build their business. This is life giving for people! I want to help you identify your why! It takes establishing realistic, achievable goals, creating an action plan and then going for it. The support is incredible. The feeling is elation. I am a much better version of me... and not only do I get to motivate, inspire and encourage others.

I also have another tool in my kit.... one that has changed my families lives FOREVER. Young Living Essential Oils coming up in part 2. Stay tuned.

why not me

Fitness is not about being better than someone else it's about being better than you used to be. Having discipline to do things even when you don't want to. Inspiring people to health & wellness has been on my heart for the last few years.. after some hard lessons I finally feel like I am where I am meant to be. I want to share with others how hard work and discipline can make you feel. Take time to dig deep and realize what you want to accomplish and how you can get there. Because you matter.

I was encouraged to make a video after finishing my T25 program and my reason for becoming a coach. Putting yourself out there is not always easy but I have to say it's so worth it. I am passionate about this and want to make a difference.

Ok and this really is the worst freeze frame they could have picked from my youtube video.. but oh well...

its time...

 

Thinking that resurrecting this blog is in order. Got too much to share.

2014.

Hello. I confessed to two friends in the last couple weeks that I have been writing just not publishing. They both encouraged me to put it out there. So here I am on the eve of the New Year like I have done for the past 6 years putting myself out there. One Little Word. It's been so symbolic for me. Shaping my life. The Power of words is not something to underestimate.

You can read my past choices. 2013: Worthy.  2012: Authenticity. 2011: Shine.  2010: Present. 2009: Choose. 2008: Simplify.

I believe in the process of looking back not to be stuck there but to appreciate where I have been so I can fully embrace where I am going. I wrote this last year...

Embrace Who I am

Take the journey back to self

Love with Depth

Speak Gratitude

Unleash Creativity

Believe 

Shine Bright

Surprise myself

Kill the desire to sabotage myself

Be at peace with my story

Happy with my red dot

 I read those words and feel peaceful with the choices I have made. Not all easy and some of my choices have led to more heartache. But like I always say I am a work in progress the best part is I am progressing. Starting this summer I moved into a season of stripping away alot of the things I did. The different ways I put value on myself and I moved into a season of being alone alot more. Having less to do. It was HARD.. some days it still is but I have learned so much about placing my worth in truth and the blessings of life rather than the things that fade away. 

I had some stumbling moments this fall when I was ready to throw in the towel... I even began to put walls up and I tried to callous my heart.. HA.. I laugh because I tried.. It didn't work.. It's just not who I am... and I am ENOUGH. I am not too much. I am ENOUGH. 

I hosted a party a couple years ago for my friends.. something I felt I couldn't do this past year but hope to be able to do again. This is the print I left with them. I still have one stuck to my mirror. It's really all I want to aspire to. My heart swells when I read this. 

My struggle has always been with being too much. One of the deepest wounds I carry comes from that place of hurt.. it's different now though cause in my time spent alone over the last few months I have taken time to heal and to realize that I am not responsible for other people's issues. Its easy for me to take them on cause I do wear my heart on my sleeve and instead of feeling bad about that I have to believe it's a quality that makes me who I am... and who I am is good. Full of love and loyalty, compassion and joy. And for the first time in a long time full of peace and contentment. 

So for 2014 I will live. Out of a place of knowing who I am, embracing that girl and using the gifts and character traits I have been given to encourage, inspire, support and the best part not put so much pressure on myself... because for sure I am enough.

my heart says yes

on the eve of my 34th birthday.

dear heather,

what if every day were the perfect day to finally be exactly who you were always meant to be? What if everything you ever wanted was just on the other side of fear? what if inside you was a place to be happy, pure, simple and full of joy... yes I know amidst the chaos of life. would you believe it's possible? what if instead of perfection you held yourself to the highest standard of grace? that would be incredible wouldn't it? you are bright. what if you did everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to live any other way. let this truth sink in. you are confined only by the walls you build yourself. big truth. i think it's time to find your wings. to soar. i know you love birthdays.. you are quick to say each year you get better. it's life lived that causes you to re-evaluate your decisions, to learn from them, to grow and to move forward. you have done alot of moving forward this past year.. i know some of it has been hard and i am proud of the way you have allowed yourself to not be a victim anymore. it wasn't easy but i am so proud of you.

please trust in the process of not being a doer but soaking in being. just being.

cheers to the best year yet.

nine.

Sometimes all you need is one person that shows you its okay to let your guard down, be yourself, and love with no regrets. I often wish I could see myself through the Stallions eyes.. I am starting to believe the magic of it. I am a lucky woman and to celebrate nine years makes me thankful. Thankful I took a chance on allowing myself to let my guard down and love with all my heart. After many moves, painful good byes, joyous hello's, meaning full friendships, three amazing kids, deep deep rough waters, beautiful highs... through all of it I can't imagine doing life without you. Cheers to a million more years.

On our wedding day I walked down the isle to a song a friend of mine from Seattle wrote and the words mean more and more every day.

The Stars are Beautiful

Back when you know she just won't leave and you want to stay in the shade of her tree and make your house into a home

When this love doesn’t need a lock you can unlock doors and share a single straw

Close your eyes in a crowded room let go of it all cause more is coming soon

If I wait all night long and they don’t show I know even while I sleep I know the stars are beautiful

The world is small but not enough to get away from this amazing love

So walk as far as you can hear the bells and make a shade for someone else

Cause when this love finally came along curvy roads went strait and broken things were made strong and hand and hand we could reach the sun or just run or just run

If I wait all night long and they don’t show I know even while I sleep I know the stars are beautiful

And if the house lights are left on and the city walls are just too tall I won’t forget what I cannot see you have and always will love me

  

The stars are beautiful.

ode to August

August is almost over and it's been a good month. We have found our summer groove and it's been nice to not have as many plans and spend time at the beach, park or wherever else life takes us.

We even got to go away for a few days and spend time together as a family away from home with some friends. We unplugged and enjoyed the outdoors. Boys loved it!

This summer has been full: Swimming lessons, Sports camp, Overnight at camp, Meeting new cousins and spending time with them and lots of beach days!

There have been some disappointing parts of my summer and they left me lonely at times but I read a quote by Rold Dahl about a week ago that said " If you have good thoughts,  they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely" I have quickly turned my disappointment and hurt away and grabbed hold of truth. Sometimes it's not me... other people have choices to make and I can only have good thoughts.. and I can shine from those! I also have had so many great conversations around my big heavy blog post a few weeks ago. Amazing to hear other women share from their heart... I realize going into fall and moving forward that's what matters.. those honest, heart moments. I want to be available to hear those honest, raw, vulnerable moments of people's lives. As we start a new chapter and move towards school, routine and the like I have decided on a new mantra.. pure, simple, happy, honest.

Oh it's gonna be a good one.

lighter

Honestly I feel lighter since my posts this week.. It's amazing what opening up and freeing your soul of unwanted chaos can do for a person. Should have done it long ago.

The Stallion is on holidays and as a family we are looking forward to a camping trip this week. Boys have been asking every day if today is the day.. Jett carries around his camping chair everywhere he goes just in case where he ends up is "camping" I am looking forward to going off the grid and just enjoying some quiet space. Sometimes we get to wrapped up in our stuff... too many toys.. it will be good to be outside and enjoy it with no distractions.

So I'll be back later next week. Happy long weekend!

inspired

245 views my post got yesterday. I received so many messages of love, acceptance and just real people being able to either relate or give words of love and encouragement.  A sweet friend of mine wrote one her blog this statement and it resonates with me so much.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by real people. Living intentionally, trading in expectations and impressions for honest authenticity. I’m inspired.

 I love this.

I was able to go to a memorial held at the forks yesterday organized by my cousin. She was prompted to do something to honour the memory of Lisa Gibson and her two children. It was beautiful, intentional and real. Lots of moms, families, most of them probably didn't know the Gibson's personally but all felt led to do something.. we lit candles and one by one put white flowers in the dark murky waters of the Red River where only a few days before Lisa's body was found. The flowers swirled around in these dark waters and it was a sign of hope. I was impacted by all the people who walked away from the River with tears flowing down there cheeks. It was space for people to talk, hug, cry and just realize that so many are touched with mental illness themselves or they know someone who is struggling. I left feeling like I was a part of something so beautiful.

I want to continue to talk.. to share from who I am. Some people are afraid of their feelings and the way it will look... even yesterday I took that post down 4 times.... At lunch I cried and shared with the Stallion how hard it was to be open and after he read the post he hugged me and told me he was proud of me. He reminded me I feel deeply.. the highs and the lows and that is what makes me who I am. I was honoured to hold hands with him last night as we threw our white flowers into the Red River. A symbol of light in darkness.

I wanna shine light.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

My summer has been tough... I often sit on my couch flustered, overwhelmed and look around at all the things I should be doing. The guilt takes over and pushes me further and further down. I often feel like when I am at home I am in a deep dark hole. Even now as my needy toddler screams from his crib where he has been put for the 100th time out today.. I feel it.

For the last 7 years it's been a bit like that.. not always of course and it comes in seasons for me. I remember all I ever wanted was to be a mom... what else would I be? The Stallion and I were married less than 2 years before the twins came. Most of the time I wish we would have waited.. had more time just us. This past weekend we sent the twins to camp for the weekend and had just Jett at home... The Stallion made a comment about imagining what it would be like to have only one kid... we never had that. I was obviously excited and eager to become a mom... granted I didn't have the best possible start.. bed rest in hospital, 5 weeks early, NICU, c-section recovery, not being in my own city.. not to mention having just come out of years in YWAM and not really having time to settle into "regular life" it was ALOT. I feel a sort of disconnect when I think of that first year. Not any super clear memories. Survival mode. I don't know exactly when it hit me it slowly crept in I think but there came a time when I told myself I just really wasn't good at it... I had wanted it for so long and figured it would come easily.. when it didn't I spiralled. Sometimes The Stallion still catches me saying I''m just not good at it.. I know in my head that's a lie. My kids are loved, taken care of, well rounded and I think pretty good.

But the insides are a scary place... This summer has really hit me hard.. maybe going from work to holidays, going from teaching bootcamp classes to that ending.. all at once. My low times (hard to call it depression? blues? a turning inwards?) they come in seasons. Its not all the time and for the most part life is good.. Its such a disconnect sometimes. I realize too I'm lonely. I love people.. I love getting together with people but since a painful friendship ended awhile back I have had a harder time opening up and not feeling like I am too much... even now I laugh.. I have made some friends that I like to call non-commital... they don't make plans, don't like to make plans and that is so not me. But there is beauty in that too cause when we do make it work it's like magic. It's the kind of group of women I need. I guess I have never been great at inconsistency. There is always fear when writing these blogs that someone won't understand or get what you are trying to say.. when I write it's about me not other people.. it does not undervalue the appreciation and love I have for my friends the ones who I know (or at least think I know) get me and understand me and love me and know I love them no matter what I might write about. Even as I edit this blog I edit knowing that some people don't get this and that is so good.. cause we are all built and wired so differently. If we can't appreciate each others differences what do we have? I am not like any of my friends and that's the way it was meant to be...

I have had a hard time these past couple weeks figuring out exactly what it is that I am feeling. I love my kids but I just don't love being a full time stay at home mom... there I said it.. it's out. I said it to a couple friends the other day and I don't think they quite believed me or at least for sure could not relate.. and that's ok. I have to realize that is OK. I am not awful, not horrible and I am sure I am not alone...

Like many others in my area I have been deeply impacted by the story of Lisa Gibson. There are lots of articles in the Winnipeg Free Press if you are unfamiliar. As I watched the story unfold on the news I was just lost with words, my heart ached. A terrible tragedy. I had an instant soul connection to Lisa... how dark and lonely she must have been. I've had so many questions and so many introspective conversations with myself. It's easy to say "How terrible and I can't imagine being in that spot... I'd never do something like that..." But I bet if you asked Lisa on Tuesday evening she'd say the same. It's an unimaginable, dark, lonely place. I remember going to my doctor and asking for help. She quickly gave me a handful of samples... take some of these and maybe it will help?? So alone I went home and in the early afternoon took a little blue pill.. it could have been pink.. I don't remember. I don't really remember much from that day.. A heavy cloud settled in and I lost control.  I do know I felt nothing like myself and hated the lack of self control I had. I don't know what happened to the boys that afternoon. I know Dave came home and I was laying on my bed. I couldn't even move. I stayed there till the next morning. It was awful. I vowed never to do something like that again....

I can't tell you exactly how I came out of that.. time.. I guess. I also think it's looking up.. grabbing hold of the hope that I have always had inside. Clinging to promises that I will make it out.. It's always darkest before the dawn.

explode my soul

I have been thinking of starting this up again.. I have been writing ALOT lately... just not sure I am ready to share. It's been a tough summer for me... I felt a whisper in the wind today that maybe someone else is struggling like me and maybe not keeping my vulnerable thoughts to myself is a good idea.
Today I listened to this song over and over again.. looking up has been my mantra. Just look up... this song reaches deep down into the hole I am in and begs me to come out.

Whisper my name, so only I can hear

Call to my heart, chase away my fears

Stand up in this place, fight for the one you love

Won’t you come surround me, so I can RISE above

EXPLODE my soul, let these walls come down

All these prison thoughts, crumble with the sound

Of my deliverance, from my enemies

I stand up beside you, lets watch these giants FLEE

Let the silence be BROKEN, and the winter be done

Will come out of your hiding, kiss me sweet warm sun

Let the wind of your spirit, blow the dust off my feet

I ran to you broken, but now I am complete

Hello promise land, we’ve waited for so long

To see what we believed in, to sing this promise land song

Explode my soul, explode with Praise

What you promised, is what you gave

~Jonathon David Helser & Melissa Helser

http://youtu.be/i1q-cUQ9i5E

three going on five

three years. seems hard to comprehend. Jett Anderson today you are three. You came into this world early and much to our surprise. Seems like you are keeping with the trend.. early to do everything and always keeping us on our toes.

At three I feel like you have made your presence known... Jetty Boy (as Daddy and your brothers call you) You are expressive and animated. Funny in every way. Your communication skills and memory surprise me everyday.. You are silly and quirky and unafraid. You take big risks. You are passionate. Stubborn too. Each day you say things that I wish I had written down.

You love to be outside.. You wake up asking to be outside. All boy. All in. All the time.

Being your mama is a blessing. And although these days are tough as we figure each other out I am in awe of how smart, compassionate and loving you are. When you wrap your little arms around my neck and say "Mommy I just love you so much" I melt. Your wet kisses are always welcome. When I am having a rough day or things are just not working between you and me you easily come sit in my lap and we work it out. I feel sentimental with you.. maybe cause you are the last baby I'll have... maybe cause it's so often just you and me. I don't know... I have been thinking so much about how you came into the world... Early and in the midst of chaos. I sat down tonight and read through the journal I kept while at the hospital the days leading up to your birth and then the detailed description of how I felt that day... This week has been rough for other reasons and today as I sit here and reflect on your birthday I feel immense peace and grace for the gift you are in our lives.. it's not always easy to be a mom for me and somedays I just ache for bedtime but every smile, word, giggle and new discovery reminds me that I am in the right place. For memory sake the time leading up to your birth is significant for me... a little walk down memory lane...

There is a feeling when you have a c-section.. so aware of whats going on yet so behind the curtain. I remember this moment so clearly.. makes my stomach lurch a bit.. this was my best ugly cry... such grief and relief weaved into one sacred moment.

Currently your relationship with these two is varied from day to day.. somedays good somedays bad and somedays just not relevant... but you all love each other that I know and I can't wait to see the relationships you will develop with your older brothers...

I love you Jett I can't imagine another boy as special, funny and clever as you. You have my heart .. all of it. All the time.

Happy Birthday Jett.

Shine on baby. Welcome to three.

seven

Being a mother has meant learning about the strengths I didn't know I had and dealing with fears I didn't know existed.

Not all easy. I read on pintrest the other day the days are long but the years are short... and as I reflect on the crazy fact that my boys are SEVEN I can totally relate to that statement.

Noah:
You are passionate, creative, imaginative. You want to be just like your Dad... haircut and all. You prefer to do things you are good at... sometimes you want to do things well or not at all.
You are goofy and funny and love to make people laugh. I love how I can usually count on you to play with Jett and although I know sometimes having a little brother cramps your style I see maturity in you as you teach him things. You LOVE your friends.. your buddies are so important to you. Let me tell you I hope you foster that special quality... loyalty and friendship are so important in life. Keep your friends a big deal to you.
Although you love others you also have a great ability to play alone and don't mind quiet time to yourself.
I enjoy ending the day singing our special three songs and giving you scratchies as I cuddle up against you.
I pray you would continue to find who you are and celebrate those things.. never take not knowing something as a sign of weakness but as a sign to grow. You are capable of so much and you care deeply for others. I am proud of you Noah.

Ari:
Oh my sweet sweet Ari with your beautiful long curly hair. You are so easy with you love and affection. Always willing to give me your hugs and tell me that you love me more than the whole universe. A million kisses at night. Special times.
You are an avid collector and see things as precious. Any thing you receive or find is found a special place in your many collection keepers.
You have a special sensitive side that I want to protect and nurture.. Its a gift to feel deeply for others and to care about things more than yourself.
You also gained a bit more of your Dad in your easy going nature (for the most part).
While Noah often talks about his buddies you my child focus on the ladies.. your stories from school are mostly about your girl friends.. they are special to you and I love how you talk about them with such fondness... at least for now... ;)
You don't like to be alone. You love to be with others.
I see you and I hear you Ari.. I know that's so important to you. Do you know just how special you are? I see you wanting to impress and you seek positive affirmation. I pray we can continue to build that up in you that you see just how special and loved you are. I pray that you will continue to treasure the soft spots in your heart and that this world won't make you feel you have to hide that away. Caring and empathy are special gifts. Yours to share. I am proud of you Ari.

To the both of you:

I am thankful. So thankful that I get to be your mom. I know at times we don't see eye to eye and although parenting is the toughest thing I have ever done you make me proud... I peeked in at you tonight as you lay all silent in your beds and was reminded of how special each moment is. I only pray I can help you develop your strengths and your individuality. You are both so different and yet so much the same. It's incredible to watch you develop your relationship with each other and also with your separate friends. Happy Birthday my boys.  

Now this is funny. First pic taken the day we took them home from the hospital and the second picture taken the eve of their seventh birthday.