my heart says yes

on the eve of my 34th birthday.

dear heather,

what if every day were the perfect day to finally be exactly who you were always meant to be? What if everything you ever wanted was just on the other side of fear? what if inside you was a place to be happy, pure, simple and full of joy... yes I know amidst the chaos of life. would you believe it's possible? what if instead of perfection you held yourself to the highest standard of grace? that would be incredible wouldn't it? you are bright. what if you did everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to live any other way. let this truth sink in. you are confined only by the walls you build yourself. big truth. i think it's time to find your wings. to soar. i know you love birthdays.. you are quick to say each year you get better. it's life lived that causes you to re-evaluate your decisions, to learn from them, to grow and to move forward. you have done alot of moving forward this past year.. i know some of it has been hard and i am proud of the way you have allowed yourself to not be a victim anymore. it wasn't easy but i am so proud of you.

please trust in the process of not being a doer but soaking in being. just being.

cheers to the best year yet.

nine.

Sometimes all you need is one person that shows you its okay to let your guard down, be yourself, and love with no regrets. I often wish I could see myself through the Stallions eyes.. I am starting to believe the magic of it. I am a lucky woman and to celebrate nine years makes me thankful. Thankful I took a chance on allowing myself to let my guard down and love with all my heart. After many moves, painful good byes, joyous hello's, meaning full friendships, three amazing kids, deep deep rough waters, beautiful highs... through all of it I can't imagine doing life without you. Cheers to a million more years.

On our wedding day I walked down the isle to a song a friend of mine from Seattle wrote and the words mean more and more every day.

The Stars are Beautiful

Back when you know she just won't leave and you want to stay in the shade of her tree and make your house into a home

When this love doesn’t need a lock you can unlock doors and share a single straw

Close your eyes in a crowded room let go of it all cause more is coming soon

If I wait all night long and they don’t show I know even while I sleep I know the stars are beautiful

The world is small but not enough to get away from this amazing love

So walk as far as you can hear the bells and make a shade for someone else

Cause when this love finally came along curvy roads went strait and broken things were made strong and hand and hand we could reach the sun or just run or just run

If I wait all night long and they don’t show I know even while I sleep I know the stars are beautiful

And if the house lights are left on and the city walls are just too tall I won’t forget what I cannot see you have and always will love me

  

The stars are beautiful.

ode to August

August is almost over and it's been a good month. We have found our summer groove and it's been nice to not have as many plans and spend time at the beach, park or wherever else life takes us.

We even got to go away for a few days and spend time together as a family away from home with some friends. We unplugged and enjoyed the outdoors. Boys loved it!

This summer has been full: Swimming lessons, Sports camp, Overnight at camp, Meeting new cousins and spending time with them and lots of beach days!

There have been some disappointing parts of my summer and they left me lonely at times but I read a quote by Rold Dahl about a week ago that said " If you have good thoughts,  they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely" I have quickly turned my disappointment and hurt away and grabbed hold of truth. Sometimes it's not me... other people have choices to make and I can only have good thoughts.. and I can shine from those! I also have had so many great conversations around my big heavy blog post a few weeks ago. Amazing to hear other women share from their heart... I realize going into fall and moving forward that's what matters.. those honest, heart moments. I want to be available to hear those honest, raw, vulnerable moments of people's lives. As we start a new chapter and move towards school, routine and the like I have decided on a new mantra.. pure, simple, happy, honest.

Oh it's gonna be a good one.

lighter

Honestly I feel lighter since my posts this week.. It's amazing what opening up and freeing your soul of unwanted chaos can do for a person. Should have done it long ago.

The Stallion is on holidays and as a family we are looking forward to a camping trip this week. Boys have been asking every day if today is the day.. Jett carries around his camping chair everywhere he goes just in case where he ends up is "camping" I am looking forward to going off the grid and just enjoying some quiet space. Sometimes we get to wrapped up in our stuff... too many toys.. it will be good to be outside and enjoy it with no distractions.

So I'll be back later next week. Happy long weekend!

inspired

245 views my post got yesterday. I received so many messages of love, acceptance and just real people being able to either relate or give words of love and encouragement.  A sweet friend of mine wrote one her blog this statement and it resonates with me so much.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by real people. Living intentionally, trading in expectations and impressions for honest authenticity. I’m inspired.

 I love this.

I was able to go to a memorial held at the forks yesterday organized by my cousin. She was prompted to do something to honour the memory of Lisa Gibson and her two children. It was beautiful, intentional and real. Lots of moms, families, most of them probably didn't know the Gibson's personally but all felt led to do something.. we lit candles and one by one put white flowers in the dark murky waters of the Red River where only a few days before Lisa's body was found. The flowers swirled around in these dark waters and it was a sign of hope. I was impacted by all the people who walked away from the River with tears flowing down there cheeks. It was space for people to talk, hug, cry and just realize that so many are touched with mental illness themselves or they know someone who is struggling. I left feeling like I was a part of something so beautiful.

I want to continue to talk.. to share from who I am. Some people are afraid of their feelings and the way it will look... even yesterday I took that post down 4 times.... At lunch I cried and shared with the Stallion how hard it was to be open and after he read the post he hugged me and told me he was proud of me. He reminded me I feel deeply.. the highs and the lows and that is what makes me who I am. I was honoured to hold hands with him last night as we threw our white flowers into the Red River. A symbol of light in darkness.

I wanna shine light.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

My summer has been tough... I often sit on my couch flustered, overwhelmed and look around at all the things I should be doing. The guilt takes over and pushes me further and further down. I often feel like when I am at home I am in a deep dark hole. Even now as my needy toddler screams from his crib where he has been put for the 100th time out today.. I feel it.

For the last 7 years it's been a bit like that.. not always of course and it comes in seasons for me. I remember all I ever wanted was to be a mom... what else would I be? The Stallion and I were married less than 2 years before the twins came. Most of the time I wish we would have waited.. had more time just us. This past weekend we sent the twins to camp for the weekend and had just Jett at home... The Stallion made a comment about imagining what it would be like to have only one kid... we never had that. I was obviously excited and eager to become a mom... granted I didn't have the best possible start.. bed rest in hospital, 5 weeks early, NICU, c-section recovery, not being in my own city.. not to mention having just come out of years in YWAM and not really having time to settle into "regular life" it was ALOT. I feel a sort of disconnect when I think of that first year. Not any super clear memories. Survival mode. I don't know exactly when it hit me it slowly crept in I think but there came a time when I told myself I just really wasn't good at it... I had wanted it for so long and figured it would come easily.. when it didn't I spiralled. Sometimes The Stallion still catches me saying I''m just not good at it.. I know in my head that's a lie. My kids are loved, taken care of, well rounded and I think pretty good.

But the insides are a scary place... This summer has really hit me hard.. maybe going from work to holidays, going from teaching bootcamp classes to that ending.. all at once. My low times (hard to call it depression? blues? a turning inwards?) they come in seasons. Its not all the time and for the most part life is good.. Its such a disconnect sometimes. I realize too I'm lonely. I love people.. I love getting together with people but since a painful friendship ended awhile back I have had a harder time opening up and not feeling like I am too much... even now I laugh.. I have made some friends that I like to call non-commital... they don't make plans, don't like to make plans and that is so not me. But there is beauty in that too cause when we do make it work it's like magic. It's the kind of group of women I need. I guess I have never been great at inconsistency. There is always fear when writing these blogs that someone won't understand or get what you are trying to say.. when I write it's about me not other people.. it does not undervalue the appreciation and love I have for my friends the ones who I know (or at least think I know) get me and understand me and love me and know I love them no matter what I might write about. Even as I edit this blog I edit knowing that some people don't get this and that is so good.. cause we are all built and wired so differently. If we can't appreciate each others differences what do we have? I am not like any of my friends and that's the way it was meant to be...

I have had a hard time these past couple weeks figuring out exactly what it is that I am feeling. I love my kids but I just don't love being a full time stay at home mom... there I said it.. it's out. I said it to a couple friends the other day and I don't think they quite believed me or at least for sure could not relate.. and that's ok. I have to realize that is OK. I am not awful, not horrible and I am sure I am not alone...

Like many others in my area I have been deeply impacted by the story of Lisa Gibson. There are lots of articles in the Winnipeg Free Press if you are unfamiliar. As I watched the story unfold on the news I was just lost with words, my heart ached. A terrible tragedy. I had an instant soul connection to Lisa... how dark and lonely she must have been. I've had so many questions and so many introspective conversations with myself. It's easy to say "How terrible and I can't imagine being in that spot... I'd never do something like that..." But I bet if you asked Lisa on Tuesday evening she'd say the same. It's an unimaginable, dark, lonely place. I remember going to my doctor and asking for help. She quickly gave me a handful of samples... take some of these and maybe it will help?? So alone I went home and in the early afternoon took a little blue pill.. it could have been pink.. I don't remember. I don't really remember much from that day.. A heavy cloud settled in and I lost control.  I do know I felt nothing like myself and hated the lack of self control I had. I don't know what happened to the boys that afternoon. I know Dave came home and I was laying on my bed. I couldn't even move. I stayed there till the next morning. It was awful. I vowed never to do something like that again....

I can't tell you exactly how I came out of that.. time.. I guess. I also think it's looking up.. grabbing hold of the hope that I have always had inside. Clinging to promises that I will make it out.. It's always darkest before the dawn.

explode my soul

I have been thinking of starting this up again.. I have been writing ALOT lately... just not sure I am ready to share. It's been a tough summer for me... I felt a whisper in the wind today that maybe someone else is struggling like me and maybe not keeping my vulnerable thoughts to myself is a good idea.
Today I listened to this song over and over again.. looking up has been my mantra. Just look up... this song reaches deep down into the hole I am in and begs me to come out.

Whisper my name, so only I can hear

Call to my heart, chase away my fears

Stand up in this place, fight for the one you love

Won’t you come surround me, so I can RISE above

EXPLODE my soul, let these walls come down

All these prison thoughts, crumble with the sound

Of my deliverance, from my enemies

I stand up beside you, lets watch these giants FLEE

Let the silence be BROKEN, and the winter be done

Will come out of your hiding, kiss me sweet warm sun

Let the wind of your spirit, blow the dust off my feet

I ran to you broken, but now I am complete

Hello promise land, we’ve waited for so long

To see what we believed in, to sing this promise land song

Explode my soul, explode with Praise

What you promised, is what you gave

~Jonathon David Helser & Melissa Helser

http://youtu.be/i1q-cUQ9i5E

three going on five

three years. seems hard to comprehend. Jett Anderson today you are three. You came into this world early and much to our surprise. Seems like you are keeping with the trend.. early to do everything and always keeping us on our toes.

At three I feel like you have made your presence known... Jetty Boy (as Daddy and your brothers call you) You are expressive and animated. Funny in every way. Your communication skills and memory surprise me everyday.. You are silly and quirky and unafraid. You take big risks. You are passionate. Stubborn too. Each day you say things that I wish I had written down.

You love to be outside.. You wake up asking to be outside. All boy. All in. All the time.

Being your mama is a blessing. And although these days are tough as we figure each other out I am in awe of how smart, compassionate and loving you are. When you wrap your little arms around my neck and say "Mommy I just love you so much" I melt. Your wet kisses are always welcome. When I am having a rough day or things are just not working between you and me you easily come sit in my lap and we work it out. I feel sentimental with you.. maybe cause you are the last baby I'll have... maybe cause it's so often just you and me. I don't know... I have been thinking so much about how you came into the world... Early and in the midst of chaos. I sat down tonight and read through the journal I kept while at the hospital the days leading up to your birth and then the detailed description of how I felt that day... This week has been rough for other reasons and today as I sit here and reflect on your birthday I feel immense peace and grace for the gift you are in our lives.. it's not always easy to be a mom for me and somedays I just ache for bedtime but every smile, word, giggle and new discovery reminds me that I am in the right place. For memory sake the time leading up to your birth is significant for me... a little walk down memory lane...

There is a feeling when you have a c-section.. so aware of whats going on yet so behind the curtain. I remember this moment so clearly.. makes my stomach lurch a bit.. this was my best ugly cry... such grief and relief weaved into one sacred moment.

Currently your relationship with these two is varied from day to day.. somedays good somedays bad and somedays just not relevant... but you all love each other that I know and I can't wait to see the relationships you will develop with your older brothers...

I love you Jett I can't imagine another boy as special, funny and clever as you. You have my heart .. all of it. All the time.

Happy Birthday Jett.

Shine on baby. Welcome to three.

seven

Being a mother has meant learning about the strengths I didn't know I had and dealing with fears I didn't know existed.

Not all easy. I read on pintrest the other day the days are long but the years are short... and as I reflect on the crazy fact that my boys are SEVEN I can totally relate to that statement.

Noah:
You are passionate, creative, imaginative. You want to be just like your Dad... haircut and all. You prefer to do things you are good at... sometimes you want to do things well or not at all.
You are goofy and funny and love to make people laugh. I love how I can usually count on you to play with Jett and although I know sometimes having a little brother cramps your style I see maturity in you as you teach him things. You LOVE your friends.. your buddies are so important to you. Let me tell you I hope you foster that special quality... loyalty and friendship are so important in life. Keep your friends a big deal to you.
Although you love others you also have a great ability to play alone and don't mind quiet time to yourself.
I enjoy ending the day singing our special three songs and giving you scratchies as I cuddle up against you.
I pray you would continue to find who you are and celebrate those things.. never take not knowing something as a sign of weakness but as a sign to grow. You are capable of so much and you care deeply for others. I am proud of you Noah.

Ari:
Oh my sweet sweet Ari with your beautiful long curly hair. You are so easy with you love and affection. Always willing to give me your hugs and tell me that you love me more than the whole universe. A million kisses at night. Special times.
You are an avid collector and see things as precious. Any thing you receive or find is found a special place in your many collection keepers.
You have a special sensitive side that I want to protect and nurture.. Its a gift to feel deeply for others and to care about things more than yourself.
You also gained a bit more of your Dad in your easy going nature (for the most part).
While Noah often talks about his buddies you my child focus on the ladies.. your stories from school are mostly about your girl friends.. they are special to you and I love how you talk about them with such fondness... at least for now... ;)
You don't like to be alone. You love to be with others.
I see you and I hear you Ari.. I know that's so important to you. Do you know just how special you are? I see you wanting to impress and you seek positive affirmation. I pray we can continue to build that up in you that you see just how special and loved you are. I pray that you will continue to treasure the soft spots in your heart and that this world won't make you feel you have to hide that away. Caring and empathy are special gifts. Yours to share. I am proud of you Ari.

To the both of you:

I am thankful. So thankful that I get to be your mom. I know at times we don't see eye to eye and although parenting is the toughest thing I have ever done you make me proud... I peeked in at you tonight as you lay all silent in your beds and was reminded of how special each moment is. I only pray I can help you develop your strengths and your individuality. You are both so different and yet so much the same. It's incredible to watch you develop your relationship with each other and also with your separate friends. Happy Birthday my boys.  

Now this is funny. First pic taken the day we took them home from the hospital and the second picture taken the eve of their seventh birthday. 

What's on your....

Loved this list of “what’s on your…” that Ali Edwards posted a few weeks ago as an updated version of many of those list-style memes that travel around the interwebs.

Here’s what’s on my…

VANITY | I don’t have a vanity. I do have a "table" in my bathroom that has my make up in a basket, all my various hair products and my jewellery which right now consist of necklace and bracelet storage on a hanging cork board and my earrings and rings in an ice cube tray...

TO DO LIST |  organize the basement, purge closets, sell clothes the boys have outgrown, clean out the back entrance... again. oh and organize and get rid of crap in the pantry. 

REFRIGERATOR SHELVES | , strawberries, greek yogurt, cut up veggies, taco meat, lettuce, leftover squash curry soup, coconut rice, and many other random things. 

PLAYLIST | I usually turn to Songza when I am at home.. a few playlists I frequent. Modern Worship, Acoustic versions of Pop Songs, Country Crossover Kings and Coldplay and More. 

NIGHTSTAND | Too many books. Some that have been there for months. Lip balm, kleenex and a lamp.

WORKOUT PLAN | Bootcamp Monday & Wednesday night. I do a variety of different stuff Tues, Thurs & Fri or Sat mornings. Loving Pure Burn Strength and Yoga warrior. I do try to get out for a run once per week now that it's nice.  That’s the plan anyway. 

IPHONE | Instagram, Texts.

TOP 5 LIST | Being at home, Nights on the couch with the Stallion, warm summer nights, dirty feet and hands, chubby hands that wrap around my neck and give me hugs all day long.

BUCKET LIST | More travel. Seeing friends spread out far and wide. Being content.

MIND | Lots of  healing working in my heart and mind. Less Sabotage. Letting stuff go. Opening up. Figuring out my insides. Being thankful.   

BLOGROLL | too many to list.

WALLS OF YOUR FAVORITE ROOM IN YOUR HOUSE | . Most rooms are either white or a light light grey. Can't remember the names right now and don't feel like finding out... Most of the house is Benjamin Moore with the exception of the kitchen which is all Sarah Richardson paint.

LIQUOR SHELF | beer & wine

LAST CREDIT CARD STATEMENT | Fargo fun from last weekend.  

TV EVERY NIGHT | Depends on the night. We have a few regulars as a couple: Chicago Fire, Survivor & Scandal. I am still watching Grey's and we love watching New Girl.. almost done Season 1.

Your turn.

the making of a mama

It does technically happen over night.. one minute you are not a mom and then all of a sudden there you are... but it really happens over time. At least I think so.. I am much more of a mom now then I was when I first started.. I like to believe I grow, evolve, change and adapt. I am filled with more love, more patience and more grace then when I first started my journey of motherhood. They have taught me so much in the last seven years... I hope I never arrive... I hope I continue to be molded and changed and I hope that they and I continue to learn from each other.

When we moved to our current house almost 4 years ago I started a tradition... on Mother's Day and Father's Day a picture on the front steps.. so for fun here is the making of a mama...

2010

2011

2012

2013

Being a mom is hardwork. I am always in repair.  I do not have it all together and never gonna get there.. but I am doing the best with what I have.. these three love me. My heart is full. Love.

wordless wednesday

try hard life

I am not feeling balanced lately... feel like I need to let go a bit more. Of the try hard part of life anyways. Purge... physically, mentally and emotionally.

I have a confession to make.. I have not been blogging cause I am unsure this is the best platform for me anymore...  I want to be honest, vulnerable.. you all know it's one of the most important things to me but I feel like if I am honest people will misunderstand or.. something. I do not feel like I can be as honest as I would like... this week I was accused of being something that goes completely against my character and while I want to validate people's feelings sometimes people's perceptions of things are off and can label you as something you are not.

I spoke to a group of Gr 7/8 girls a few months ago and it went SO well. I felt like God gave me some amazing things to share and I was challenged for sure. I talked alot about hiding and the things we hide behind.. our fears, our insecurities, shame, our character. I have thought so much about what I have hidden behind.. my fear of being really seen, of being too much. I want to be free.. to let go of the try hard life.

Lately a struggle I have been having is where that self acceptance comes from... I am the queen of self sabotage.. seriously a wonder to be seen. I feel like I have taken a few steps back in this area compared to where I was even a few months ago.. feeling so insecure in myself. It's actually surprised me and I am convinced it's the dreaded word.. it's a pattern that the word I choose even before the new year starts really dictates what I learn, where I pull things from and how I wound myself. Worthy.. pretty big word. BUT the best part is that every year I work through it and I LEARN and most of the time I CONQUER.

Anyways back to the struggle. Seems I have put so much emphasis on the physical stuff.. like having the cutest clothes, or getting to my goal weight or what I look like will give me that self acceptance. Bull shit. It's impossible. I know that... nothing I do to myself will make me happy.. the power is inside me.

I have recently become part of a small group... a group of women who for some reason or other connect. Like really connect. We are all SO different yet when we are together we can be ourselves. Honest, vulnerable, silly and there is zero competition... zero judging. I never feel bad when I leave always uplifted and as if I am a part of something so special. They have taught me to have more courage, that mistakes are mistakes... move on, they have taught me that even when faced with a whole crap load of mess - it's in the messy that we grow, that we can be nurtured and that we can reach out to Jesus and HE will be there. I have also had an incredible time remembering where I have come from... remembering what it was like to travel to desolate places and how the fat around my belly keeps me from remembering the fact that people don't even have clean water or food to eat. Seriously. What is wrong with me??

So in full disclosure I am struggling here with what to write and how you will take it. I am ok I am not in a place of needing to be fixed.. I am just in a place of discovering that what I look like, or how you perceive me just needs to go away. If I can't be honest and vulnerable then this is not the platform for me. I don't want a perfect picture... If I ever get to complete perfection and happiness something is very wrong. I have another blog post rolling around in my head about integrity but I'll save that for another day. I hope to continue on here.. if anyone is actually still reading.. and if not well then I guess I can be more open and vulnerable cause no one will care.. haha.

Thankful for a space to write and share.

5-9/52

well ok I'm behind.. what else is new. there is truth behind why I leave my blog alone these days... maybe I'll spill the beans in another post but for now.. here are some shots to catch me up.. I will get better at my 52 week series... well hopefully.

long weekend

I am behind in posting my 52 shots... although I have been doing them. Getting them to the blog is a different story. I'll get them up this week.

We went away for the long weekend .. it's an evolved family tradition and this one was by far the best one yet. I LOVE my family and we had such an awesome time.... the hotel we picked was AMAZING. pretty sure with kids we will never stay anywhere else. Such a great time.

The boys took full advantage of Grandma & Papa's Jacquizzi suite. It was awesome!

The Stallion was a tad embarrassed... lol.

All parts of our trip were amazing... ok other than maybe the first nights supper out... and although being stormed in for one extra night was not planned we made the best of it.

So thankful we got to spend the weekend just hanging out and being with my family.

inventory

It's February and I am needing to take stock. Count the inventory in my mind and my heart. Honestly it's not been so good... I mean life is generally good and I am feeling so grown up lately. Not grown up in the way that I have it all together cause that's always going to be a lie.. I see people who appear perfect and it makes me want to vomit cause there is no growth in that.. no embracing the nitty gritty so that you can come out refined. I just don't like it. But there have been some things in life that are currently sucking the life out of me... this is just not good. I went back to make sure my red dot is in tact...

Embrace Who I am

Take the journey back to self

Love with Depth

Speak Gratitude

Unleash Creativity

Believe 

Shine Bright

Surprise myself

Kill the desire to sabotage myself

Be at peace with my story

It's the last one I am having some problems with.. I am not really at peace with my story right now. At least parts of it. I feel like I am cheating myself by allowing situations to totally take over. Especially when it's never what it was meant to be. I want to inspire women to live their best lives. From the inside... forget about the outside. I am learning to shine brightly more and more. And surprise myself.. oh boy this one I am getting pretty good at... I am the speaker at a girls event coming up in a couple weeks. Totally out of my comfort zone... I mean I have spoken before that's not really it.. but it's the age of girls, the stage of life, and the feelings of not sure what I have to offer. It was pretty clear that God led me to it and I know He will lead me through it. It has been teaching me a lot and I can't wait to see how He pulls it all together.

I am sabotaging myself a lot less these days. Learning to be happy with me.. It's freeing. It's a struggle some days but I am learning it just doesn't matter as much anymore.

When I sat down to write this post three days ago I was in a much different place than I am right now.. ebb and flow. Story of life. The tide is low right now. I feel the ocean of His grace at my feet.

4/52

Sorry I am a bit late. Feast your eyes on my beautiful small Stallions.

3/52

Dad was sick so we spent some time making him cards. And yes Ari has the best hair.

Also down for the count was this guy... usually you can't stop him. He spent lots of time laying around this weekend. The cuddles were nice.

Noah is getting so good with printing and did this one by himself. He was super proud.

journey

thank you to those of you who took time to reach out after my last blog post.. hitting publish on that song was super terrifying. I just got off the phone with my dearest friend in Vancouver who brought my song to Don & Gwen and shared it with them. it's amazing what happens when you listen and DO the things you are meant to do even when they are scary.

this has all made me extra reflective. thinking about death and grief. learning how to let go and say goodbye. it's awful. a wise friend said to me it's the thing of being present for the pain to be present for the joy... I sat on my couch this afternoon covered in a blanket watching a storm come in... I had my ear pressed tight to the phone as I listened to her share about their sweet fragrant, awful, inspiring, painful visit... they went to say goodbye - to receive the blessing from a man who saw them.. who looked right into your face when you had a conversation and refused to look away.. he saw the good in people when they didn't know it was there yet... I waiver between feelings of sadness for myself and feelings of sadness for my dear friends... that's part of community... feeling deeply on behalf of those you love. I'd never give that up.

the journey is the best part. i hope I never fully arrive... until I've passed over. i wanna keep going, keep learning, keep loving. no matter what.

lovely stars.

Its cold outside. Unbearably cold. It makes me want to curl up under a blanket and hibernate. Lately I long to be home. Warm. Protected. Somedays I wish I could hide my heart too. BUT I realize I cannot. I love.. I love people deeply and things just affect me. And for once I am finally realizing that is ok...

Ok totally not where I was going with this post. In the above realization I am confident in the way I am viewed by my God... I have worked hard to believe He is who He says He is and that He loves me for me. Despite my short comings... I feel more at peace than I ever have. More at home in my own body, in my own mind and most of all my Spirit finally feels like me...

He is with me.

Tonight I had two awesome bootcamps.. those ladies man they thrill me.. they are just so awesome.. but again not where I am going tonight... Before I left I had pressed refreshed on my email.. it loaded and I saw a new update from Gwen on Don's Caringbridge site. I thought I should pull over and read it.. in the dark in my van on the side of the highway. I took a deep breath and read her sweet words. I often think of her and how she is sitting day by day beside this man whom she loves so deeply. His words have been taken away, His hands, his ability to move around on his own... but I love to read her write about his eyes... I close my eyes and I can see them. I would often sit in the YWAM books office and spill my heart to Don.. he would smile... listen.. and then be able to speak words of peace to my soul. He is the definition of wise and caring. She wrote candidly about the time being near... you can read it here if you are interested.. but it made me think about how He is near.. through all the different things we face He is there. I am trying to do things that I feel led to do.. Trying to feel. hear. see. love.

I pulled back onto the hwy and this song flooded my mind... I wish I could sit with Don & Gwen right now... this would be my gift.  

Then I saw a falling star... it was beautiful. He is there. Always.

2/52

As we are last week.

Enjoyed two special dates as we like to call them. I love taking the boys out separately.. it's special to really chat and discover their own individuality.

Ari - had ice cream.

Noah has a cookie and a white chocolate steamer.