i'd love a good icicle..

the boys discovered a new love for tofu and its soft goodness.

how come it seems like everyone especially every kid is sick. no exceptions here.. we all have been battling colds at our house but the boys sure seem to have the rough end of the deal.. after our night at the hospital with noah and croup it has gotten a bit better but they are having a rough time sleeping with all the coughing and congestion. i took them in today to the clinic and got them a prescription from my amazing doctor (who just happened to be in the walk in clinic). hopefully that will help.

did you ever eat icicles when you were a kid.. remember winters when you would get out of school put your ski pants and boots on and walk home slowly falling into snow drifts a big icicle in hand. anyways as i was driving around i spotted a little girl doing just that not a care in the world probably on her way home for an after school snack. simple and so good.

today had its ups and downs.. more downs than ups but lets recount the good stuff first. had moms program at church this morning which was great.. i always really enjoy it and having childcare for two hours is fabulous! after i succeeded all alone bringing both boys to the clinic.. luckily its been a nice day and so getting the stroller out was easier.. side note.. to any twins moms... i wish i would have bought one of these right off the bat.. it would have made life so much easier.. i had the chance to buy one used in Vancouver and am kicking myself. so we ended up buying a tandem stroller that accommodates car seats just last month (for our winters its a necessity if you want to get out) so now i have four strollers.. all good, all serving some other purpose. anyways back to my day. it always feels like a huge triumph when i do something like this all by myself. we ended up at the clinic right before lunch which fyi is empty so we got in right aways...
got home and the mayhem began.. i fed the boys which was ok but they were so tired not having had there morning nap so a bit fussy. i had to get there prescription so i called my SIL and she came by and i ran to walmart for the longest wait EVER. was so hungry and decided last minute to pick up McDonald's in the drive through.. well actually i contemplated it for a while and went back and forth and with no cars in the line up decided to go for it. ordered got to the window to find out i was the 15th car and got my lunch FREE. yep some random thing they are doing. felt special like it was just for me...so here in my story if you will notice from my above comment the boys had not slept yet today and when i got home they were so overtired. i tried for the next 2 hours to try to get them to sleep.. put down, scream, pickup, rock, put down, scream, pick up, nurse, burp, medicate, rock, put down, scream.. ahh leave them there for a while.. get so fed up i load them back up in the car and proceed to drive around.. and guess what within seconds they are fast asleep.. so what else could i do but pick up a coffee and drive around with the window down just a bit and sun streaming down on me.

i'm tired but alive and hoping tomorrow will be a better day.. got to talk with a good friend from Vancouver who just had her second baby girl.. that was a highlight. and then when my husband got home he suggested we pick up dinner. good man.

9 months and sick...

well my boys are 9 months old as of yesterday. its incredible that we have come this far. looking back i am not sure i ever thought we would make it this far. they seemed to have turned a corner in there sleep (although they do not sleep through the night) but i don't get out of bed much anymore which is amazing. we decided to seperate them into different rooms right off the bat when we put them down for bed at 7pm. so Ari sleeps upstairs in a playpen and Noah sleeps down in his crib. we decided that instead of rushing in when they whimper and cry to give them a pacifier we would just wait and see. sure enough within minutes they sooth themselves back down and thats it. its amazing how when they were together we would never just let them be because you were terrified of the other one waking up. so we are happier and they seem happier. they also seem to be weaning themselves off there third nap which in some ways sucks because they are so tired in the latter part of the afternoon.. but as long as they are entertained with puffed wheat we seem to be in pretty good shape. they have started to push themselves backwards when on there tummies - its must be frustrating because they are always reaching for whats in front of them and getting farther and farther away.
our whole family has been battling colds - runny noses, sore throats and then... last night noah was not sleeping well. super congested and all of a sudden had this awful barking cough and he was struggling to breath. his whole body was rattling... i tried to nurse him but he couldn't swallow. he had a high fever and his breathing seemed to be getting worse. so at 3am i packed him up and we went to the ER. they diagnosed him with croup they gave him some saline and some steriod medication through an air mask. today he seems to be doing better. the cough he produces is quite scary but it doesn't look like he's in pain like it did last night.
so that was our adventure. hopefully it will be gone soon. my parents are gone for 10 days and that always worries me. i rely on my mom so much - shes always so helpful and keeps me sane. i will miss her. well i gotta run. the dishes seem to be piling high and my floor is always full of puffed wheat.

truth

i have a confession.. i have believed a lie. not just one lie but many. i have made lies feel at home in my life, in my heart and have often let them dictate what i do or don't do. i have always known this but have recently begun to discover more how they are polluting my judgement, my common sense, my identity and my role as a mother, wife, homemaker, friend, sister, daughter and just human being. i am tired of believing lies about myself. tired of the way it drags me down. a friend recently emailed me some truths about myself that really hit home. how often do we think about the good things that make up our self. it wasn't even the really nice things she said it was the realization that if i am not dwelling on these truths i am definitly believing the lies. i can so easily get down on myself or feel yucky with my increasing saggy body, or bad hair, or lack of a nice wardrobe.. but those things don't make up me. i can easily say to myself that this person doesn't like me, why would they like me.. when really i am just giving in to that lie. anyways all this to say i want to challange you and me to start accepting truth for what it is and start believing... it won't happen all at once for sure but imagine if we start even just a little... i printed out the email my friend sent me cause it really impacted me and each day i look at it and am encouraged to begin to believe the truth. so to begin (and hopefully ignite something in your life) i will go out on a limb (a small skinny limb whose branches feel like they will snap and break off) here are some truths about me (taken from above mentioned email - with some minor editing)...

1 - you have an awesome and compelling devotion to quality and excellence - we are talking with our staff now about NOT waiting til the last minute to organize something but take the time to do it well - flying by the seat of your pants is NOT cool all the time, but can actually be unnecessary stress - you were a huge advocate in that area here.

2 - You are thoughtful and generous - I received a really cool gift from you yesterday! Very fun stuff. Thank you thank you thank you - It's awesome.

3 - You care about social justice issues. We are currently unveiling a new strategy to develop clean water in Africa. I always think about you when things like this come up because you are an amazing teacher about things that really matter to you - you are especially good at educating others

4. You love babies and women!

5. You are an excellent friend. You know how to encourage others. You always have time to be thinking about others. I am amazed that you find the time at all to send me a present.

6. You are creative - I love the card you made me...and the first thing that came to mind when I looked at is that i don't know if YOU know how creatively gifted you are - You should be selling your cards for millions. They're waaaay better than hallmark!

7. You are vulnerable and open - You care about truth not just the surface - you have depth and wish to connect on that level.

8. You are an amazing servant - I mean look at you now!!! MOM of twins. Need I say more?

9. You are willing to try new things. Remember when you went to Cambodia?


so come on what are you waiting for? i dare you to come up with truths about your self and see if we can start a trend of believing them instead of letting the stupid crap we suffer with overcome us.

Passion for Puffed Wheat

Snack time is our new favorite thing.. the boys LOVE puffed wheat. They jam it in there mouth by the handful. No teeth required.

my milk making machine

people have been asking about breastfeeding; i don't just mean in general but when it comes to me and my decision and whats been going on.. i left you all wondering what was going on.. i'll get to all that. the boys are good. they will be 9 months soon can't even believe that.. time seems to go fast and so slow all at once. kind of creepy. they are sitting, eating lots, loving puffed wheat, putting all toys in their mouths still, still no teeth, they always want whatever toy the other one has, ari gives smiles more freely, noah is louder with his voice, ari decided he was against sleep and has become a horrible sleeper at night, naps are still hard but getting better, they love the jolly jumper and love sitting at the table in there big boy booster seats espcially when they are eating puffed wheat - both fists jamming it in. its hilarious. and breastfeeding... it was a hard choice but i have been somewhat slowly sort of weaning.. yea just like it sounds. i nurse them at around 6am and then not again till the afternoon usually between 1 and 2. i tried to just cut out the feed in the afternoon but after some painful engorgement decided that i needed a new approach. i am in the process of slowing down production by nursing one in the afternoon and bottle feeding the other one. then at 7 before they go to bed the one who was bottle fed gets nursed and the other one gets a bottle. it has been working really well.. they both seem to be adapting. so at first i decided this would work out perfectly and we would keep going with that untill they all of sudden have become not so great nursers.. they love to pull and yank on me with there hands and gums which is not pleasant. i have to hold there hands down while nursing so i don't have scratch marks everywhere. i think i will start to cut out the afternoon feed and see how that goes. it seems i am producing less milk because its less and less painful between feedings. so that is the story for now. now if only i could get some sleep!

for something totally different...

did you see grey's? how can i wait till next week.. how can this show suck me in so bad and leave me hanging like that.. my escape from reality this week seems so real.. anyways.. i love love love this show.

finally i understand why i confuse pork and breastmilk...

so there is this blog called the lactivist and its a funny place to visit.. its main purpose is to educate on breastfeeding and support milk banking (which at least our country does not have enough of). jennifer uses humor to talk about breastfeeding and a ton of breastfeeding moms go there for support and to tell stories.. anyways she has run into some problems.. please go check this out...
Overzealous Big Pork stomps on Breastfeeding Blogger
it really is worth the read... and for now add no more pork to the list!

shame on me

i realized today that the last few posts (or months) have had so many negative posts and although i feel safe to vent to my blogging friends i wanted you also to know that i realize my negativity and poor me scenarios are weighing me down.. so today i am choosing to be thankful and to count my blessings as they are even the small ones.. we all need somthing to hold onto.. so here is my list for today..

i am thankful:
-for ari and noah who amaze me every day with a new smile or new skill or new sound
-for a husband who helps me and gives me a break on the weekends, who always is willing to go the extra mile even when he's had a long day at work, who is also always (and sometimes forcing) me to receive his love.
-for a house that we love, that is warm, and is maybe not quite big enough for all of us but the comfy coziness of it is enveloping (most days)
-for friends who comfort me and listen to me... those here and those far away
-for new friends who through the blogging world have made me feel safe and semi sane, who are vulnerable to share their experiences and willing to listen to me vent when i feel life is too hard.
-for my family - those here who without i would have never made it this far and those far away who pray and send thoughts our way every day.
-for my escape from reality - satallite tv - thank you oprah, rachael ray, general hospital, y&r, grey's anatomy and tlc.. really thank you.
-for wades curry recipe that we had this weekend it made me so happy.
-for a somewhat healthy family
-for the day when we will sleep a whole night.

so be thankful today.. take the challange to count your blessings.. maybe the sun isn't shining outside today but i feel a bit lighter inside.
-

one step forward two steps back

ahhh what a letdown.. last week went so well and this weekend seems to have just brought me back to my reality... oh yea my life is HARD.... other than my body lacking in energy, the boys draining me of everything i have, sleep deprivation (although its getting a tad better), my temper being atrocious... yea enough said..
dave and i were chatting this morning and he said that maybe we just have to resign to the fact that life sucks right now and if we do that then it won't seem so bad.
i love my boys but part of me is feeling a tiny bit of resentment.. my life has changed so much and although i love them and love being with them i feel unfufilled and sad most of the time. i am pretty sure i may not be cut out to be a stay at home mom and that does make me feel so guilty. i was reading over at another multiple moms blog and she said the same thing which gave me a feeling of freedom.. especially living in the community that i do where pretty much every mom is at home almost like its her duty and i always thought i wanted that but now i am not sure.. i definitly don't want to miss out on everything but even a few hours a week doing something else i am good at... (insert thought here for all of you.. I know i am a good mom. this is not in despute or the point so don't go that route)
anyways these are my thoughts.. last week was good. the first day of moms morning out happend on tuesday which basically will save me each tuesday for the next few weeks. it was awesome. two hours of childcare and a great program just for me. tuesday night dave and i went to the city to meet up with an old friend from vancouver which was awesome. my mom and dad were here with the boys which went well. wednesday morning i meet with a bunch of ladies and wednesday night was our first night of small group with some people from our church.. it was fantastic i really think we will enjoy it.. for those of you who faithfully read my blog funniest thing was that one of the couples is the manager of Canadian Tire.. how ironic. maybe that will be part of my healing from my horrible experience there...thursday i spent time with my mom and of course watched Grey's in the evening which gives me an hour to totally escape my life. and then friday i was childless for the afternoon as my mom took noah and my good friend rhonda took ari.. this was excellent. i did stuff around the house and got ready for company we were having that night.. p.s - wade if you read this.. i made your tikka masala recipe which was the best thing i have ever had and reminded me of my severe cravings for your curry during my pregnancy.. thanks for sharing. shoot i have more to write but both boys are crying.. i will try to write again this week.. sorry.

lighter...

i feel lighter.. i am so encouraged by all of you who left me comments on my post about my struggles with breastfeeding and feeling down.. seriously thank you.. i know i am not alone in this.. i feel better.. the last couple nights have been better which has helped and although i am not through processing what is best i have decided for now to night wean so that means shop closed from 7pm to 6am - i love what laguila said about Everyone having a different story. It is not a contest, it is a bunch of different stories that cannot possibly be judged against one another. I am comforted by the fact that my babies are thriving and although somedays it feels like we are just getting by we are getting by... parenting twins really is a messy pursuit!
and to make you feel even better i will leave you with this photo of the day....

babysitters...

anyone have any advice on how to go about finding a babysitter... other than my mom and sister-in-laws (who have their own families) its really getting hard... any thoughts??

friendly motherhood competition?

i have a few posts on the brain these days but with two sick babies i have not had much time to post. i too have been going through a wierd spell these days not feeling much like myself. but my ever increasing thoughts on this motherhood thing make for a new post.. why is it that we all are measured by what we do for our kids... what sleep method you use, how long you breastfeed.. and so many others. i am sick of trying to compete to sound like the "better" mom.. sick of the guilt i feel when i don't "measure" up. being a mom is hard.. trying to figure out what they need, when they need it and love them even if you can't figure it out.. yes my babies are 8 months old and they don't sleep through the night, yes my babies have had a bottle with god forbid formula when they were little, yes somedays i have to let them cry because i can't handle it anymore and have to walk away for a bit, and yes somedays i am not the model mom and my hair isn't done and i am still wearing sweats when my husband comes home...
we are hit with books to read, the latest trends and the arguments about how we should be raising our kids.. which way is better... and that brings me to this sad story that i will gladly take advice on.. i have been feeling a bit down these last few weeks.. it was hard adjusting to life after our vacation and the boys did not take it well and they came home sick and just kept getting sicker.. noah sounds like an 80 year old smoker its horrible.. then there is the teething and the thrush.. so needless to say there isn't much sleep at our house and i feel run down and somedays beaten down. yesterday i had a physical with my wonderful amazing doctor who i love to pieces (she really is fabulous). we chatted about how i was and of course i broke into tears sharing how i was feeling..she asked me if i felt my emotional being was affected for long spells or just depends on the day and usually it just depends on the day.. we discussed treatment and decided medicine wasnt what i needed but probably rest and more energy and just a lift in my spirit... she is so sweet and she looked at me and said "i am not telling you this as a mom but as a doctor, i think you should stop breastfeeding." gulp that was heartbreaking.. we talked about what that would do for me and how my emotions are so unbalanced because of the hormones and how nursing two for the last 8 months is beginning to take its toll. we also discussed how chances are the boys would probably learn to sleep at night better because who doesn't want to wake up to a warm boob. she explained she thought in two weeks my body would feel 100% different... this suggestion was hard for so many reasons... (these are thoughts in my own head. NOT JUDGEMENTS of any other choices)

1. a good mother breastfeeds
2. i love breastfeeding.. its my time with the boys and they want ME for it
3. guilt.. yep i would feel tremendous guilt if i quit
4. if i quit i am giving up.. i worked my ass off to get the hang of breastfeeding.
5. won't they get deathly sick because they are not getting the holy breastmilk and oh that brings me to the other reason i am evil.. we have not had them vaccinated....
6. would they still love me.. wouldn't that make them mad at me?

so as i think and grieve this decision (its not made yet) i will leave you with a couple things.. i found a new twin mom who writes so well... she wrote a post a few weeks back that made me laugh so hard.. it describes perfectly the competition we all feel read about it here. i must say that my doctor really affirmed this in me and i am super proud of myself.. i have nursed twins for 8 months and the beginning was nothing more than a disaster and for that and so many other reasons i am a good mom!

must read..

you have to read this novel.. so good. best book i ever read!!

travel, home, sleep, flu and other not so nice things...

well we made it.. finally home.. it was a great trip out east but long and by the end we were ready to be home. the boys did so well even with all the changes we put them through.. the flights were great the boys were troopers.. a bit confused i think but overall it was good. some highlights of the trip home.. after getting the airport in London Ari had some nasty diarea in the airport which was up and down his legs and back.. yea fun. The boys both love playing with plastic bags and cups which kept them busy the entire flight... After we landed Noah puked everyone many times on the way home.. his car seat and him were covered in pears.. gross. their first night in their own beds was ok not great but better than it had been the whole time we were away.. Noah continued to puke at night which was not fun and explained why when me and the boys woke up we were all sick.. i got the worst of it.. taking care of two babies and running to the bathroom every half hour is not my idea of a good time. thankfully my mom was there to help me and the boys were not that interested in anything but laying around as well... it was a horrible day that i thought would never end. thankfully i felt better by the next morning... the boys however got worse.. they are teething something fierce... i have no pity for a singleton mom who has to go through teething.. because doing it with two is as close to hell as i've been in awhile. yikes.. i spent most of yesterday trying to comfort them both. they would go down for naps and then wake up 15 minutes later screaming in pain.. i used orajel which seemed to make it worse and today i found out why.... if sensitive to female related things stop reading now and come back later...
i noticed they had some white spots in their mouth a couple days ago and thought it must be related to teething but this morning i could not get them to stop screaming they were obviously in some awful pain.. so off we went to the clinic to see our doctor who thankfully saw us... and the culprit a nasty bout of thrush me and the boys.. yuck. i had been having some nursing difficulties and just chalked it up to increased nursing on the trip but that is not so... so now we are all being treated for thrush which is basically a fungal infection. i'm glad i know now but the treatment is for two weeks which seems like an eternity to me right now as i am dealing with food sensitivity issues, teething and constipation in the boys anyways.. one thing on top of the other. when will it end.. oh yeah when they are 18 and leave the house... i have some great happy thoughts of our trip and new pics that i will post later oh and a new post about my increasing passion to get back into Doulaing and all things birth related.. so till next time...

starbucks+ikea+me=dream date

friday was a lovely day... i got ready, nursed the boys and ran out the door for a date all my own... i drove to starbucks and ordered an americano and lovingly thought of audrey. i got back in my car smile on my face yummy coffee in hand and got onto the 403... my faveorite song came on the radio and i sung along as i sipped my coffee... i took the fairview exit and as i drove down the ramp a big smile spread across my face as i gazed upon the big blue building with yellow sign and colorful flags.. there she was.. ikea... and me all alone. a perfect date. i slowly wandered all the isles putting things in my buggy... i spent a couple hours there sipping my coffee. yes a perfect date just me, starbucks and ikea.. all was well in the world.

sleep deprivation and other fun things...

well we are settled in ontario enjoying time with family and friends. its green and quite warm here. the flight was amazing.. both boys were so awesome. they were a bit tired but did manage a 45min nap right after we took off. they never cried and they flirted with most female passengers around us. it was highly succesful which was a relief. the stewardess and all on our air canada jazz flight were AMAZING.. i was blown away by the helpfulness.. our stewardess held Ari while I went to the bathroom and threatened not to give him back...
my worst fears were quickly recognized as we settled in here and realized they were not going to sleep well... took us forever to get them nap and even longer to settle for the night and when i mean settle i just mean for the hour they would sleep then wake up screaming again... that first night was pure torture and could have been made into a horror movie... it has progressivly gotten better but definitly does not even remotely resemble how they sleep at home.. not even close. so that has been a bit stressful for me and makes for crankier babies.. i figure i have done everything right.. brought blankets from there bed at home, their fave stuffed animals and toys, one night i even got into the playpen with one of them and laid there with him.. so they just have to figure out that its safe here and hopefully it will get better.. on thursday we are going somewhere else for a few nights so hopefully we don't have repeat hell... i'm hoping this trip will make them more flexible.. other than that things are great.. we have grandparents and aunties who love them and a cousin who is two who is a huge help.. adorable to watch zoe interact with them. she hasn't played with her own toys since we got here.. she loves to give them their nuks and bring their diapers to the garbage.. she hugs and plays with them.. is an excellent little mother. last night we got to go out with daves best friend and his new fiance.. other than morgan being sick poor guy we had a great time and martha is so amazing... we had a great time. anyways that is the update thus far.. thanks for staying tuned.. i don't have our pics uploaded on this computer but daves sister has some so here are a few for you to enjoy..

dreaming of christmas time...

Our fave hats... brr its cold outside
Noah loving the jolly jumper
Bouncin Ari
Ari would rather nap with Daddy
Noah is all smiles
Noah has a thing for blondes
All the Loewen cousins.. 06
Ari opening presents with Auntie Tam
Christmas morning play time
Just what I wanted under the tree this year!!

Merry Christmas all and Happy New Year.. hopefully this abundance of pics will keep you going for awhile.. we are off to Ontario on friday and I am not sure how much I will be posting.. enjoy the rest of your holiday season.. much love to you and yours.. from us the difran clan....

what the heck *$#&%#*

well christmas has come and gone.. we did have fun for the most part but heres my trouble... my very good boys who sleep so well at home are not having it anywhere else... its really hard since we have been at my parents alot this season...yea sucks. they just scream and it takes alot of patting, sticking soothers in, turning over and just listening to wailing... seriously at home we put them down and they sleep instantly...it takes us sometimes half and hour to get them to nap and forget putting them down for the evening.. yikes!! so all this terror to say i am not looking forward to going to Ontario at the end of the week and having them not want to nap or sleep in a new place.. i just know this will be torture.. so please if you think of it send my boys sleepy thoughts... the next post will be happy with pics of the boys christmas and there new fasination with wrapping paper... its adorable!

merry christmas from the difrans...

introducing my new best friend...

shes sleek, sharp, doesn't take up much space and is so useful!!

yes folks its my ultimate chopper and it does all Chef Tony said it would. i have been using her to make baby food - and make baby food i do.. i have been filling my freezer each day with a new food. everyone should have an ultimate chopper. the boys have been enjoying there new foods for the most part although Ari is so constipated.. its sad watching him groan and grimace as he tries to push his poop out.. its amazing how he went from runny explosive poo to having such a hard time.. he is on a prune and pear diet until his little tummy can handle it again...not much else going on.. can't believe christmas is coming up so quickly.. i am done all my shopping, baking and wrapping all thats left to do is wait...we leave for ontario the end of next week as well which will be fun.. we havn't been there in a long time and noah and ari have a couple of aunties and a cousin they are dying to meet..hoping it won't mess them up with sleeping and stuff...

now with all this baby food making santa will you bring me a deep freeze PLEASE!!!!