on being a mom

it's mothers day. a day of celebration. we celebrate our mothers and how they have cared for us, raised us. for me I have been reflecting today on what it means for me to be a mother. it's not something that always comes easy for me.. I struggle most days. As my older two are getting older I stress over the huge commitment and responsibility it is to raise them right... I often joke about how I can't use the excuse they wont' remember anymore.. these are the days they will remember and these are the memories that they will cherish. The way I talk to them and the way I teach them the important life lessons will help shape them to be the men they will grow into.

I want them to have strong sense of love and belonging so they can feel free to be imperfect. I find at almost 33 that's what I am finally learning... and I pray they don't have to wait so long.

I've learned so much about myself this last year and how I want to live out my story.. to really live it, in all it's vulnerable, imperfect, flawed experiences. But really we can't give our children what we don't have ourselves... that's why this is so important to me. I am imperfect and wired for struggle and so are they.. but we are also deserving of love and belonging no matter where our paths take us.

This past year and the intro to school thing has not been easy.. I'm learning my expectations may be partly to blame but also that they are walking out their own story... and in order for them to live to be free I have to accept it the way it is. Of course they are young and we have so much responsibility in speaking into their lives but what may help is if I can meet them where they are and not put my own expectations on them and help them to figure out who they are while working with what they have inside of them.

I am so far from perfect in my motherhood but what I am learning is that I own my story I can write the ending and if I teach them that there is nothing more important than showing up, putting ourselves out there and being seen - REALLY being seen.. that's where the magic happens. When we dare to live our lives - to not be selfish, to always think of others first, to show compassion, love, humility and be able to realize when we are wrong and most of all I want to teach them that they are worthy of love and belonging. They belong to their story and it matters. It will be entwined with some story lines that are good and some that hurt more than imaginable but as I am learning even in the hurt there is beauty.
I am the mother to three boys who I hope will learn that being vulnerable is the best definition of courage. I am learning that my expectations are sometimes wrong and I need to be at peace with allowing them to learn and grow in their own ways...

So thankful to be on the pages of this story... their story, our story.