5-9/52

well ok I'm behind.. what else is new. there is truth behind why I leave my blog alone these days... maybe I'll spill the beans in another post but for now.. here are some shots to catch me up.. I will get better at my 52 week series... well hopefully.

long weekend

I am behind in posting my 52 shots... although I have been doing them. Getting them to the blog is a different story. I'll get them up this week.

We went away for the long weekend .. it's an evolved family tradition and this one was by far the best one yet. I LOVE my family and we had such an awesome time.... the hotel we picked was AMAZING. pretty sure with kids we will never stay anywhere else. Such a great time.

The boys took full advantage of Grandma & Papa's Jacquizzi suite. It was awesome!

The Stallion was a tad embarrassed... lol.

All parts of our trip were amazing... ok other than maybe the first nights supper out... and although being stormed in for one extra night was not planned we made the best of it.

So thankful we got to spend the weekend just hanging out and being with my family.

inventory

It's February and I am needing to take stock. Count the inventory in my mind and my heart. Honestly it's not been so good... I mean life is generally good and I am feeling so grown up lately. Not grown up in the way that I have it all together cause that's always going to be a lie.. I see people who appear perfect and it makes me want to vomit cause there is no growth in that.. no embracing the nitty gritty so that you can come out refined. I just don't like it. But there have been some things in life that are currently sucking the life out of me... this is just not good. I went back to make sure my red dot is in tact...

Embrace Who I am

Take the journey back to self

Love with Depth

Speak Gratitude

Unleash Creativity

Believe 

Shine Bright

Surprise myself

Kill the desire to sabotage myself

Be at peace with my story

It's the last one I am having some problems with.. I am not really at peace with my story right now. At least parts of it. I feel like I am cheating myself by allowing situations to totally take over. Especially when it's never what it was meant to be. I want to inspire women to live their best lives. From the inside... forget about the outside. I am learning to shine brightly more and more. And surprise myself.. oh boy this one I am getting pretty good at... I am the speaker at a girls event coming up in a couple weeks. Totally out of my comfort zone... I mean I have spoken before that's not really it.. but it's the age of girls, the stage of life, and the feelings of not sure what I have to offer. It was pretty clear that God led me to it and I know He will lead me through it. It has been teaching me a lot and I can't wait to see how He pulls it all together.

I am sabotaging myself a lot less these days. Learning to be happy with me.. It's freeing. It's a struggle some days but I am learning it just doesn't matter as much anymore.

When I sat down to write this post three days ago I was in a much different place than I am right now.. ebb and flow. Story of life. The tide is low right now. I feel the ocean of His grace at my feet.

4/52

Sorry I am a bit late. Feast your eyes on my beautiful small Stallions.

3/52

Dad was sick so we spent some time making him cards. And yes Ari has the best hair.

Also down for the count was this guy... usually you can't stop him. He spent lots of time laying around this weekend. The cuddles were nice.

Noah is getting so good with printing and did this one by himself. He was super proud.

journey

thank you to those of you who took time to reach out after my last blog post.. hitting publish on that song was super terrifying. I just got off the phone with my dearest friend in Vancouver who brought my song to Don & Gwen and shared it with them. it's amazing what happens when you listen and DO the things you are meant to do even when they are scary.

this has all made me extra reflective. thinking about death and grief. learning how to let go and say goodbye. it's awful. a wise friend said to me it's the thing of being present for the pain to be present for the joy... I sat on my couch this afternoon covered in a blanket watching a storm come in... I had my ear pressed tight to the phone as I listened to her share about their sweet fragrant, awful, inspiring, painful visit... they went to say goodbye - to receive the blessing from a man who saw them.. who looked right into your face when you had a conversation and refused to look away.. he saw the good in people when they didn't know it was there yet... I waiver between feelings of sadness for myself and feelings of sadness for my dear friends... that's part of community... feeling deeply on behalf of those you love. I'd never give that up.

the journey is the best part. i hope I never fully arrive... until I've passed over. i wanna keep going, keep learning, keep loving. no matter what.

lovely stars.

Its cold outside. Unbearably cold. It makes me want to curl up under a blanket and hibernate. Lately I long to be home. Warm. Protected. Somedays I wish I could hide my heart too. BUT I realize I cannot. I love.. I love people deeply and things just affect me. And for once I am finally realizing that is ok...

Ok totally not where I was going with this post. In the above realization I am confident in the way I am viewed by my God... I have worked hard to believe He is who He says He is and that He loves me for me. Despite my short comings... I feel more at peace than I ever have. More at home in my own body, in my own mind and most of all my Spirit finally feels like me...

He is with me.

Tonight I had two awesome bootcamps.. those ladies man they thrill me.. they are just so awesome.. but again not where I am going tonight... Before I left I had pressed refreshed on my email.. it loaded and I saw a new update from Gwen on Don's Caringbridge site. I thought I should pull over and read it.. in the dark in my van on the side of the highway. I took a deep breath and read her sweet words. I often think of her and how she is sitting day by day beside this man whom she loves so deeply. His words have been taken away, His hands, his ability to move around on his own... but I love to read her write about his eyes... I close my eyes and I can see them. I would often sit in the YWAM books office and spill my heart to Don.. he would smile... listen.. and then be able to speak words of peace to my soul. He is the definition of wise and caring. She wrote candidly about the time being near... you can read it here if you are interested.. but it made me think about how He is near.. through all the different things we face He is there. I am trying to do things that I feel led to do.. Trying to feel. hear. see. love.

I pulled back onto the hwy and this song flooded my mind... I wish I could sit with Don & Gwen right now... this would be my gift.  

Then I saw a falling star... it was beautiful. He is there. Always.

2/52

As we are last week.

Enjoyed two special dates as we like to call them. I love taking the boys out separately.. it's special to really chat and discover their own individuality.

Ari - had ice cream.

Noah has a cookie and a white chocolate steamer.

52

I have been struggling with what to do with this little ole space.. I often have lots to say but am worried about how I say things and how people interpret them.. So I am trying to wade through those deep dark waters. But for now I came upon something I can really take part of. I am going to try a new photo project... The 365 ones seem to daunting to me but taking a portrait of my kids each week seems like something I can do. So I will take a candid shot of my small stallions once per week and at the end I will have an awesome way to see how they grew and changed in 2013. They change so quickly so I think this will be a neat way to track it. You can read more about the inspiration behind this at
Che & Fidel

So I will be back tomorrow with last week which would be 3/52 and continue on from there... I may go back on my phone and catch up but we'll see. I'm ok with letting it just be what it is...

phone dump

Randoms from the past couple weeks.

We are potty training and to be honest the only thing getting me through is THIS IS THE LAST TIME! This guy is so smart and honestly this is not going very well... I am in no rush though either so I guess I just need to get over it....

Worthy - it's turning out to be a great word and has had me learning new things about myself and just helped me turn my negatives into positives.

This is also happening around here = chaos! It's going to be amazing when it's done and the little that has been done has made a DRASTIC difference. It's so much brighter already!

this one this week. I am beyond blessed to be near to her. My heart is full. She is beautiful, gracious, loving, caring, forgiving and just amazing. Here's to many more.

Best present. The stallion loves me so much. I LOVE her.

Follow me on instagram will ya? I'm HDIFRAN.

red dot.

One little word. Twenty Thirteen. I usually enjoy the process of picking my word for the year... you can read my past choices.

2008: Simplify, 2009: Choose, 2010: Present, 2011: Shine, 2012: Authenticity

This year has not been as pleasant... I'm not sure if it's because last year was hard and I feel afraid. I know the power of words... I will say now as I look back on 2012 I am thankful for the gift of Authenticity.. I feel like I have peeled back some layers ok alot of layers.. back to the bare bones sort of feeling and now I have this chance to grow, to heal.

"There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis

A wise wise friend shared with me this morning some things that made finalizing my word a bit clearer.   The red dot analogy.. when you look on a map and try to figure out how to get to your destination you have to be pretty clear where you are on the map. You can't move forward till you see the red dot which is you. Where you want to go is irrelevant. I think you have to be ok with the red dot.. and I think it's time to be real about where that red dot is. My layers are peeled back and I am committed to staying authentic - alot of those layers this last year have left some scars... they are healing ... I am so thankful they are finally beginning to heel. I decided that it was time to fly and I couldn't fly without letting go of the shit that was weighing me down. After all you can't start the next chapter of your life if you are always re-reading the last one.

So... where are we? I am starting fresh. I am planning to embrace my story. embrace the journey. Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you are worthy of the trip.

It's time to own my Value and my Worth. I was sitting at a friends table tonight sharing about the struggle for a word this year... I spoke out some of the words I was thinking of.. words are important to me. She laughed and said "Maybe one day you will have them tattooed all up your arm...." I looked down at my left wrist and it hit me.. Imprinted on my wrist.. my word. My 2013. It encompasses all i want to believe.. for myself, for others... for who I am. It's perfect. I am Worthy. It's time I start believing it.

Embrace Who I am

Take the journey back to self

Love with Depth

Speak Gratitude

Unleash Creativity

Believe 

Shine Bright

Surprise myself

Kill the desire to sabotage myself

Be at peace with my story

Happy with my red dot

I am

Worthy.

Worthy.

Worthy.

In case you didn't get it.. my word is Worthy.

Shine. 2012.

image credit: Lisa Vandenberg Photography
card design: Tam Harder @ Shine Designs

christmas 2012

We had a wonderful Christmas. Filled with comfortable traditions, family we love and the hope and peace that comes with knowing why we celebrate. Hope yours was Merry & Bright.

melt downs.

Last night I had one.. it was a long time coming. I have been holding in some frustrations for awhile now... It just seemed to all need to come out. My poor Stallion.. he was so confused cause I had left for Bootcamp in a great mood and came home swinging punches. Lucky for him he was not the cause.

Some days it just feels good to get it out. A lovely friend who knows my heart and is good at telling it like it is sent me a message this morning and in it the loveliest words.

It's important stuff. And I think instead of 'getting over it' it's something you need to 'get through'. Value your own feelings. They are real and true to you. Be kind and gentle towards yourself.

It clicked with me. I LOVE it.. not that it makes the journey easier but for so long now I just keep telling myself to get over things... but maybe that's not the path I should be looking to take.. I do need to move forward and get through.

In the course of this year I have fed my heart and my mind a terrible lie. Four words that have done a number on me... I'm just too much. I have felt like I can't trust my emotions, I have felt like a part of me is just broken.. irreparable. I have felt like I have to hide my emotions or just make sure that people only get the true me in small doses cause if they saw the true me they would twist it around and turn it against me.. again. It's been a complete lie. A fear. One that has stuck. I want it gone.. part of the reason it's not gone is cause I am having a hard time bringing it to the only one who can take it away... the one who knows my heart and the one who made me love deeply. I know as I do this the lie will be ripped apart for what it is.

Heres the truth. I LOVE people, I VALUE people.. I make time for those I love because it's important to me and I make them priorities in my very busy life because it means that much to me. I could and these days just wish I would sit at home and not open myself or my heart up to anyone. I would love to just shut down and not let anyone close.. but I can't.. because it's just not in me... I asked the Stallion last night why I had to be the way I am.. especially when it is so hard and he assured me he may not have married me if that were the case.. (I know he's a good one) So when this email came to me this morning I got it... It's me.. It's who I am... My feelings matter. I've spent the last year re-evaluating the very things that make up my DNA.. and who am I kidding it's not like they are bad things... they're not.. they are good.

All that to say I want to commit to being true and to stop trying to just get over hurts. I need to walk through it. To value myself more. So I'm going to try.

melancholy

that's me these days... some definitions say sad, depression of spirits. some say pensive, reflective, contemplative.... sullen. a sad stated of mind. I feel those things.. not all the time... but it's just under the surface.

it's interesting to me cause for the most part things are really good.. a month or so ago I felt the storm coming.. it was clear to me that it was on the horizon.. some things happened in my family and we braced ourselves and we were hit hard... it all turned out ok.. and there have been victories, joys and new found hope for sure.. but somewhere when the trees were bending from the wind a few of my strong trees broke. It was subtle but I feel contemplative...

even as I write this I am confused.. things are good with life.. great even. but something inside is unsettled. incomplete. I had high hopes for November.. I had made some lofty fitness goals and was really excited about it and then I tore the rotator cuff in my right shoulder.. it's been painful and difficult to keep at it.. easy to say oh well I can't do some stuff so why bother? I felt defeated before November had really even begun. I have taught more at bootcamp and feel like I am doing a dis-service to my clients by not being able to really give it my all... I want to inspire them to reach their goals and really go for it.. I definitely did not reach my goals... failing makes me feel defeated.

In my journey this year to be vulnerable and authentic (a word which I have grown to dislike in lots of ways this year) I have felt more insecure and more angry. I have felt more love and more hope. I have felt all the emotions that lead to being pensive. Strange right? Confusing for sure.

I am celebrating Advent in a new way this year... trying to take it all in and really celebrate the reason for this season. I created a Random Acts of Kindness Advent calendar for the boys. Each day a new activity to really get us to focus on others and creating a life of service and love. I think it will challenge us and help our hearts to give more. We are keeping Christmas really simple with no extravagant gifts.. we have so much already. Some days I long to go back to YWAM days and be able to teach my kids some of the valuable life lessons we live through each day.. of course I know I can do that here too but some days the simple life would be easier.

Ok so this post was all over the place... just some random jumbled thoughts. please don't worry figuring these things out is always good for the soul.

mood

Been feeling blah in the blog department. Nothing in particular just uninteresting maybe.... I don't know. I have had a couple of really great weeks. Mood was up and I felt like things were going really well and then lately there was another shift... it's been subtle but it's there. My heart is heavy. I am really tired of not being able to let go of a deep hurt this last year... why can't it be easier to let go?

Motherhood has been good... I know... crazy right?? I just feel like my kids are so fun and great and seeing them conquer new things has just given me so much joy lately. I love them. I'm so proud of them and thankful to be their mom. Blessed.

I want to make all kinds of confessions... afraid of that. So for now this is it. 

A cow, Bumblebee and Batman. Epic night.

celebrate story.

This blog post has been marinating in my head for sometime.. I think partly because it's so special to me that words don't seem to fit.

I love to celebrate. I think we don't do enough celebrating. The one area I think it's most important is in our relationships. We need to celebrate our friendships and take time to let people know how much they mean to us. Last year I hosted a Favorite Things party and invited women who were my friends.. women who were imporatant to me and inspired and encouraged me. I decided to keep it a yearly tradition (and if I had more time I would do it more often than that)

When my birthday was approaching this year I kept telling the Stallion I wanted to do something more.. more than presents and stuff. I wanted to give back. My thoughts immediately went to my Brother and family who are hopping on a plane and going across the world in the next couple weeks. They have waited a LONG time and finally they will add 2 sweet brothers to their family. These boys will have a forever home. They have lived at an orphanage and in a few weeks they will be home. Forever. Apart of my family. It got me thinking that my story is entwined with adoption.. it's how my story started and it's my destiny.. my legacy. I decided to mix this passion with my passion for celebrating and so this party came to be. 

I carefully selected my guest list and prayed over each invite. I was sad that some decided not to come but thankful for each woman who came and sat around  the table with me. It was special. I kept saying how amazing it is to have so many women from so many different areas of my life in one spot. It's magic. Truely.

I spent weeks planning and preparing.. each detail thought over. From the handmade invitations which set the tone down to the party favors were created with each one of these women in mind.

I asked that they each bring a sleeper or something of the like that we could bless the orphanage my two nephews come from. I placed a small suitcase on a table to collect the gifts and was overwhelmed as they spilled out of the suitcase onto the floor. Beautiful soft bright sleepers soon to cover small babies a world away in Africa. I am thankful for this gift. I know my family will deliver it with as much love as it took for you to select the perfect one. Thank you.

The night was incredible. 17 women came to drink wine & tea and devour delicious desserts. We laughed and had all sorts of conversations. The party was also inspired by this quote a favourite Brene Brown quote of mine. It was the star of the invitation and just really speaks to my life. I love that our lives are a collection of Stories... we all have so much to give. I admit the second part of my party plan got the best of me.. I was overcome with insecurity and then my Lisa told me to stop being insecure and do it cause it was walking into my destiny.. again part of who I am. 

So I introduced creative collaging to them. And although some of them maybe thought they were not creative we spent the next few hours cutting, laughing, pasting and putting together a collage that was special to us. I challenged them to ask a question of themselves or maybe it was a goal or a place in their lives they wanted to go. Whatever it was it was special and unique, different and part of their story.

Sometimes I had a hard time looking up cause it was just so overwhelming. NEVER take for granted the people who share their lives with you. It's beautiful.

I have a few regrets I wish I would have shared more about what each of these women meant to me.. I admit I let my insecurity get the best of me and for that I missed out on an awesome opportunity to share with them why I celebrate them. I have plans to make that right. :)

Thanks to Lisa for taking such beautiful photos so I have something tangible to remember the night by.. the memories aren't going anywhere. Celebrate the ones you love. Don't let a day go by without it. Life is too short. Life is too incredible to let it pass you by. I'll leave you with pictures.

oh and for those that wonder about all those sleepers... this is the final result (although I had some people drop more off after this.)

I am already planning for next time.. brunch I think.