melancholy

that's me these days... some definitions say sad, depression of spirits. some say pensive, reflective, contemplative.... sullen. a sad stated of mind. I feel those things.. not all the time... but it's just under the surface.

it's interesting to me cause for the most part things are really good.. a month or so ago I felt the storm coming.. it was clear to me that it was on the horizon.. some things happened in my family and we braced ourselves and we were hit hard... it all turned out ok.. and there have been victories, joys and new found hope for sure.. but somewhere when the trees were bending from the wind a few of my strong trees broke. It was subtle but I feel contemplative...

even as I write this I am confused.. things are good with life.. great even. but something inside is unsettled. incomplete. I had high hopes for November.. I had made some lofty fitness goals and was really excited about it and then I tore the rotator cuff in my right shoulder.. it's been painful and difficult to keep at it.. easy to say oh well I can't do some stuff so why bother? I felt defeated before November had really even begun. I have taught more at bootcamp and feel like I am doing a dis-service to my clients by not being able to really give it my all... I want to inspire them to reach their goals and really go for it.. I definitely did not reach my goals... failing makes me feel defeated.

In my journey this year to be vulnerable and authentic (a word which I have grown to dislike in lots of ways this year) I have felt more insecure and more angry. I have felt more love and more hope. I have felt all the emotions that lead to being pensive. Strange right? Confusing for sure.

I am celebrating Advent in a new way this year... trying to take it all in and really celebrate the reason for this season. I created a Random Acts of Kindness Advent calendar for the boys. Each day a new activity to really get us to focus on others and creating a life of service and love. I think it will challenge us and help our hearts to give more. We are keeping Christmas really simple with no extravagant gifts.. we have so much already. Some days I long to go back to YWAM days and be able to teach my kids some of the valuable life lessons we live through each day.. of course I know I can do that here too but some days the simple life would be easier.

Ok so this post was all over the place... just some random jumbled thoughts. please don't worry figuring these things out is always good for the soul.