gratitude.

I like to think i am thankful.. I try hard to be thankful. Am I? If all was stripped away from me would I still be thankful?

The Stallion and I had a fight.. well okay not really a fight but he pointed something out about me that I dislike. (He was right.. lets just get that strait) He's so good and gently and he lovingly pulls the gross stuff out of me... I mostly hate it but feel such redemptive love wash over me when it's over. When I've looked the gross in the face and had it out.. of course it's painful but there is a sense of calm that comes after. He's just good like that. I then look out over my life.. my road and I come back to that... am I thankful enough?

Friends of ours from the past, from when we met and fell in love are going through their darkest night.. as the things we take for granted are breaking down all around them they are basking in love, thankfulness and who Jesus is to them. It's breath taking. It's unfair. It's ugly but their love is so beautiful.

A friend wrote the most amazing blog today and you should go read it especially if you are a mama you should head over there and read it right now. But I love what she said about being a verbal processor.. that is so me. I sometimes have no clue what I am thinking until it's said out loud... this sometimes becomes my out loud.

If all my masks were stripped away.. would my core be love and gratitude? I have begun to explore my girly side again.. feeling emotional. I mean I've always been an emotional person.. up and down.. just ask the Stallion. But sometimes I feel it makes me too much.. does that make sense? I am sick of it.. you know I am just generally so sick of trying to fit into someone's box or idea of who I should be .. It's October and I think I am finally getting to the nitty gritty of what this last year was meant to be.. vulnerable, authentic.. so painful but I think I may be finally unwrapping the gift that it was mean to be.. the gift to finally be ME...when my time on earth is done I want to be remembered for being a women full of authentic character.. one who loved deeply and much. Who spent more time loving others than myself. Not who spent time wishing I was something else or scared I am not enough.

My favourite girl Zooey says it best...

Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.

— Zooey Deschanel

So as I flounder around trying to figure this all out may I be reminded to be thankful for who I am and for who I am surrounded with. As I think of our friends facing the unimaginable I am thankful for legacies and deep unconditional love. We all have so much to glean from those who walk before us.

Grace, love, gratitude.