to be known.

I have pondered this so much in the past year... it feels redundant. But so timely. My word for this year was authentic. I feel like I have been tested and beaten down in light of the word. Ironic. Most likely just a challenge. Pain makes you feel like you failed but maybe that is not it... maybe Pain makes you stronger and more available to be authentic.
I guess you can go another way.. pain can make you shut down. Close the door and be unwilling to open yourself up again because you know if you do pain will be around the corner. I have been re-reading Ann Voskamp's One thousand Gifts. I cannot relay to you the beauty in this book. It's a must read.. I stumbled over this and especially in the wake of recent events it shook me.

“That which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave.” 

How beautiful and messy.

I don't want to shut down. I want to love and be loved. I want to be authentic and real, I want to learn and go down paths that may be laced with pain and thorns... Beauty out of ashes right?

How do we go about being known? We tell our stories. We are open. Teachable. Authentic. And willing to lay it out on the line even knowing that we might get hurt. I desperately want to be these things... I feel like I am on the right path. But maybe I try to hard? It's when I feel things are going well and I am being real and open and honest when BAM! It's right then I get smacked in the face with the realization or confrontation about some way I have failed BIG time. Finding out you suck at something is not so great, or finding that you have fallen short - to feel it in your gut. It's devastating.
BUT then there is room for growth! Painful growing pains....
Just this week my eyes were opened to something significant I hadn't understood or simply didn't know. As I have had time to pray about it work through the hurt of my character being attacked I realized my choice is simple to stop and acknowledge my need for growth.
As I am working through this painful situation I have kept coming back to the need to be known. But I think I have had it all wrong... .. maybe it's the need to be known by me not other people.

I am His.
I am enough today.
My mess is the perfect place for His glory and His grace.

It's ok to apologize for what you've done but NOT for who you are.
I think I am on the path to authenticity. I shared with a friend last night how difficult it is to immerse yourself in painful situations but how full and rich the blessing is when you are obedient.

When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the rock that is higher than I. ~Psalm 61:2