for real.

I am having a hard time figuring out how to start this. I have a friend who warns me against posting too many personal things because it always involves someone else.. but I am throwing caution to the wind here cause I need to be heard. My voice has felt small and insignificant in some ways and yet looking back I realize my voice is heard where it needs to be heard these days. The thing I need to let go of is it just looks so different than I thought it would.

I love people.. I value people. I put my trust in others and I think I show loyalty, respect and unconditional love. This last year that has come to bite me in the ass. HARD. The very things I thought were my good qualities have become the voices in my head telling me I am unlovable and insignificant.
I have had many different groups of friends... I think looking back I have always been like that. Even in high school I was in several different groups of friends.. This last year has made me question whether people actually like me or just tolerate me... It always seems to be politics or I get thrown into triangles that I never wanted to be apart of.. I value each of my friends separately for who they are and who they mean to me... over the last year I have seen some of these relationships crumble and it hurts. Especially when I pour my heart and soul into my friends. One thing that's part of my story I guess...



The Stallion and I have talked lots in the last 6 months or so about what it means to be like Jesus. Someone said to me the other day that Jesus is kind of controversial these days... I like that.. I mean it resonates with me. He didn't hang out with the perfect, with the wealthy.. He touched those who had sinned and those with disease. He forgave, He walked with compassion... Oh how I want to live a life like that and more importantly I want to live out an example that my kids will follow. Life is not always fair or pretty and we all have so much to deal with on any given day. I have been collecting quotes these days.. writing them in my thankful journal. I try to spend a chunk of my quiet time in the morning writing down and soaking in the things that make me thankful.. that bring me joy.

"The most important thing in life is to to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."


"We think too much and feel to little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need  kindness and gentleness"


"Fear grows out of the things we think; it lives in our minds. Compassion grows out of the things we are, and lives in our hearts"


I am writing this in hopes that my heart can begin to heal... I guess I have started the process. Being vulnerable has to be part of it. It's amazing how when I really ask myself the hard questions I am saturated with love from others... the women who have only entered my life in the last year or so, or those who I feel such an intense connection with, or the women in my bootcamps who inspire and empower me. I could easily just shut down and let the voices overcome me but I am choosing to move forward and continue to be me.. the women God made me. The one with fierce loyalty and unconditional love. I am surrounded by amazing people... I need to let go of the past and stop focusing on the heartache. But in that walking the fine line of not allowing bitterness to creep into my heart and steal my joy. I want to LOVE big. So watch out world.. I am starting here. I mean we all need to start somewhere right?

party

I was super excited (ok and nervous) to host the boys first friends party. Wish I would have taken a picture of the invites.. they were cute. We planned the party for the afternoon of their actual birthday. We invited three of their best buddies from their class and two "town" buddies.. :)

First up though we brought snack to Kindergarten. The cupcakes turned out so cute thanks to these liners and toppers I found.

the theme of the party was "a few of our favorite things" since we couldn't narrow it down I figured I'd incorporate some of their faves right now. Mario/Madacascar/Hotwheels & Emergency Vehicles

We set it all up the night before their birthday and I loved their reaction to seeing it all in the morning. Jett went BANANA'S over all the balloons. 

 Insert 5 buddies. We had snacks.

And as per their request we had a smash cop car cake. Yep they wanted cards smashed into a cop car with an ambulance and firetruck standing by... They LOVED it.

 We opened presents.

We beat the crap out of a pinata.

They had a good time. So thankful for their friends. It will be awesome to see these relationships grow over the years. 

One more party to go. They requested a family PJ party for the weekend. 

six

today was the big day! celebrated these guys and their six years. so thankful for them. we had a super special day. I have a birthday party post planned for this week yet.. 

 after their party we stopped in at Johnny's for their birthday drink. peach wildberry smoothies.

a new tradition I want to keep going is asking them questions each year. I think it will be awesome to
see the changes each year.

we are blessed. happy birthday noah & ari!

on the eve of six.

Hard to believe we started here.....

and then we were blessed with the these two. my momma heart is full tonight. I tucked in five year olds tonight and tomorrow we will wake up and they will be six. It's incredible. I have more posts planned for this week. But I wanted to start here.. sometimes you have to look back to see how far you have come. But for tonight my heart is full. On the eve of their sixth birthday here is how we started.

Happy Birthday sweet Ari & Noah!

buried

completely overwhelmed right now....
-looking around at the clutter in my house and wishing I had the discipline (and time) to organize and purge.
-my floors feel gross on my feet.. they need to be washed.
-I prefer to spend my afternoons outside with the boys instead of cleaning... so that's why the floor stays dirty.
-my mom reminded me that you don't get these years back so I am trying to remember that.. I understand it but it's hard to live in dirty chaos...
-I work part time outside the home. I enjoy my job and love what I do... I have to remember that.
-Bootcamps also keep me busy and away from home. What would I do without the Stallion?
-my heart hurts these days and some things that have been lost.. I have been trying not to think about it thinking it will go away.. it doesn't
-I wanna let go and live my life.
-Blogging twice in one week. That's progress. I love to write I need to keep remembering how good it feels to get it all out.
-Been a bit frustrated lately with some personal goals I had... reminding myself of how far I have come.
-getting ready to celebrate birthdays - May & June are busy months for us. The Stallion just had his birthday and my big ones turn SIX on tuesday.. SIX. Then beginning of June our little one turns two... it's crazy how fast the time goes.
-I love Thursday's.. it's my one evening where I make ZERO plans and we sit on the couch and watch Grey's and Scandal. Tonights finales look crazy. Thinking a cold beer will go down good.
-I love long weekends.. have a few projects on the go and some birthday parties to plan.
-ok I'll be back...

on being a mom

it's mothers day. a day of celebration. we celebrate our mothers and how they have cared for us, raised us. for me I have been reflecting today on what it means for me to be a mother. it's not something that always comes easy for me.. I struggle most days. As my older two are getting older I stress over the huge commitment and responsibility it is to raise them right... I often joke about how I can't use the excuse they wont' remember anymore.. these are the days they will remember and these are the memories that they will cherish. The way I talk to them and the way I teach them the important life lessons will help shape them to be the men they will grow into.

I want them to have strong sense of love and belonging so they can feel free to be imperfect. I find at almost 33 that's what I am finally learning... and I pray they don't have to wait so long.

I've learned so much about myself this last year and how I want to live out my story.. to really live it, in all it's vulnerable, imperfect, flawed experiences. But really we can't give our children what we don't have ourselves... that's why this is so important to me. I am imperfect and wired for struggle and so are they.. but we are also deserving of love and belonging no matter where our paths take us.

This past year and the intro to school thing has not been easy.. I'm learning my expectations may be partly to blame but also that they are walking out their own story... and in order for them to live to be free I have to accept it the way it is. Of course they are young and we have so much responsibility in speaking into their lives but what may help is if I can meet them where they are and not put my own expectations on them and help them to figure out who they are while working with what they have inside of them.

I am so far from perfect in my motherhood but what I am learning is that I own my story I can write the ending and if I teach them that there is nothing more important than showing up, putting ourselves out there and being seen - REALLY being seen.. that's where the magic happens. When we dare to live our lives - to not be selfish, to always think of others first, to show compassion, love, humility and be able to realize when we are wrong and most of all I want to teach them that they are worthy of love and belonging. They belong to their story and it matters. It will be entwined with some story lines that are good and some that hurt more than imaginable but as I am learning even in the hurt there is beauty.
I am the mother to three boys who I hope will learn that being vulnerable is the best definition of courage. I am learning that my expectations are sometimes wrong and I need to be at peace with allowing them to learn and grow in their own ways...

So thankful to be on the pages of this story... their story, our story.

to the one I love.

 celebrating the stallion today. happy birthday to the one my heart loves.. I could not imagine doing life without you. so thankful you were born.