her.

it's funny how a new year can bring about all sorts of pondering... ideas for a new year. saying goodbye to the old. a feeling of kicking all that baggage your carrying around in the ass.

These past few months have been heavy, exhilarating, depressing, joyous.

I have felt high and very low.

I've barely slept yet been given so many new and old dreams.

There is one I want to share... not sure why I want to share it here. This is my safe place... this is where my thoughts pool together. I have no idea what this means and where this will take us. Every day it seems more and more impossible to figure out. but daily my mantra from 2008 reminds me "small adjustments make huge miracles"

There is a scrap of paper in my journal from January 2008... I can't remember where I was when I wrote it but I sure remember the dream that prompted it.

I don't dream often.. at least not ones I remember. But I remember what the sky looked like. I remember the sound of the water rushing past. I remember the tree. It was beautiful. It was strong and bright, bright green. The leaves were full. I remember the way they seemed to float in the sky... the way the wind sounded. I remember the smell of fresh grass. I will never forget the sound... her small voice and the sweet laugh that came from her mouth. She wore a red dress. She danced in this beautiful garden. I never saw her face. But the instant I woke up I knew her name. It was on my lips. It was on His. Eden.

The morning after that dream I was given a verse. See, I was far God at this time.. the dream seemed so intricate. It should have left me full of questions but it sat peacefully in the depth of my heart... " The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; He will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and Gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing"

When we were pregnant this last time. I was filled with anticipation... this was the fulfillment of this dream for me.. I had seen her face.. He has given me her name. But this was not meant to be for this time. The one I was carrying would not be a girl. It's left me with questions... was this little one not mine? Was it to be for someone else? Even now as I think of her all the time and wonder what she means for our family... as we make decisions to not get pregnant again...

Who is she? Is our Eden meant for someone else? Or will she come in a way we can not grasp at this time?

I sit here and play the old songs, dream the same dreams... revisit those deep deep wells... Are there dreams you have left behind? ... ones that may need to be dusted off?.... all these things are inspiring me to sparkle this year. to SHINE.