passing judgement and my night in the ER

i think i may have said this before but i have never felt such guilt and judgement upon me since becoming a mother... its like this sick little world of who is doing it better, longer, smarter, cuter and on and on. there are so many expectations that we feel we have to live up to. just to break it down i think its bulls***. i am remembering the phrase we all do our best with what we have and what we have is our kids best intrests at heart. we strive to do the right thing for them not for the kid in our playgroup whose mom we think could do better. we do it for OUR kids.

i know i do. i know i prayerfully and thoughtfully make each parenting decision to the best of my ability and i make the decision we (dave and i) think is best for our family. not yours or anyone else's. this brings me to my night at the ER last night where not only was i judged and told i was uneducated but i was also not treated fairly and therefore not sure my sick son was receiving the best care all because someone judged me without knowing me. we get enough of that everywhere else and to get it where you go for help from someone who should be there to care for others it really hurt my feelings and just feels terrible.

to clarify here my choices as a parent in this regards are not up for debate you may not judge me either or impress your opinion upon my choices. i am a parent who has made the decision thus far not to vaccinate my children. i am well educated and have done alot of research. as a family we have decided this is best for US and our family right now. we have also only said we would wait to further decide till the boys are two and then IF we decide to that will also be a choice we make with lots of research and again a choice which will be best for US.

yesterday noah was wheezy seemingly a slight cold. as the evening progressed it turned into full on croup.. worse than he has had it before. i had several conversations with dave on the phone (i was at work) and i could hear how bad it had gotten. around 9:30 dave called and said i needed to come home and take him in.. you could clearly hear he was having problems catching a breathe. i took him to the ER and was seen right away by a nurse. his barking cough was clear and she called in a doctor. he seemed fairly nice when he came in.. asked me some routine questions and then asked if there vaccinations were up to date. i said we have so far chosen not to vaccinate at this time. he looked up at me and rolled his eyes.. went on to tell me that they should be vaccinated as there are many illness's that will kill them if i don't. i stated i was well educated and had done my research and we felt this was best for us right now. he then looked at me and said that i was obviously not educated because if i was then i would have given them the proper vaccines that would protect them against death and because i hadn't i was stupid. yep stupid. face red and also trying to deal with a very tired 27lb toddler crying in my arms i was stunned. i understand its his job to tell me the facts and i would have taken them and said thank you but to call me stupid was hurtful and went way past professional... it was a downward spiral from there as he was rude to me, short and did not give me much information from then on. one word answers and quick to dismiss me.. he even left the room shaking his head. i felt judged and felt condemned.. this man doesn't know me he has no idea who i am. i had a few minutes where guilt came down and i cried looking down at the little boy who was in so much pain and after the anger passed mustered up the energy to make sure noah knew that i loved him and would never intentionally cause him harm. i am his mother.. i know him... i love him.. i kiss his tears away, i hold him at all hours of the day, i pick him up when he falls down, i give him his favorite snacks and know just where he likes to sit when he drinks milk in the morning, i know that the backyardigans makes him dance, i know he loves to look out the window at the bus when it comes by yelling bus bus bus until you say yes noah theres the bus whoohoo, i know that when i sing how big is noah that he will throw his arms up in the air, i do my best for him isn't everything we do about them?

just remember who you are and the gift that you are given.. remember that you do the best for your family and no one else matters. at the end of the day its what we do with what have that counts. i make mistakes we all do... its what we do with those mistakes and how we learn that is the beauty of the process. the last 24 hours i have consumed myself with making sure my kids get better.. every thought i have is for them.
Merry Christmas .. may you celebrate all you have and celebrate who you are this season. give to the fullest...
From our house to yours wherever your life voyage takes you.