life

i have been challenged this week to think about what brings me life and what springs passion to existence in me. i think about my passion of being a doula daily. i have been grieving that it has been a whole year since my last birth. i was too pregnant and it was a hard birth... i feel like that part of my life is so far away. is it just that i am different or is it fear that holds me back i am not sure. it was easier to be a doula in a big city where everyone knew what a doula was and there were so many of us. a community. here its lonely and scary and most people don't even know what the word means. i want more aiden's, eva's, emma's, ayla's, benjamin's. i remember so clearly the day they and all the others came into the world.. it was a miracle, it was life and it brought me joy. i am tired of being afraid of pursuing the passion... i did a search on my blog about all i have written about being a doula and re-read some of the birth stories that i posted. went back and read the stories i wrote about each birth and what it meant to me...the innocence, the strength of a laboring mother, the tears in the dad's eyes, the exhilaration that entered a room with each push, the burst of life that each baby brought. its beauty at its best and i will not be satisfied to never be a part of that again.
i need courage oh and my boys to sleep better at night. (we are really close to the latter)
these pictures help me remember my passion for life...minutes after birth.