shame on me

i realized today that the last few posts (or months) have had so many negative posts and although i feel safe to vent to my blogging friends i wanted you also to know that i realize my negativity and poor me scenarios are weighing me down.. so today i am choosing to be thankful and to count my blessings as they are even the small ones.. we all need somthing to hold onto.. so here is my list for today..

i am thankful:
-for ari and noah who amaze me every day with a new smile or new skill or new sound
-for a husband who helps me and gives me a break on the weekends, who always is willing to go the extra mile even when he's had a long day at work, who is also always (and sometimes forcing) me to receive his love.
-for a house that we love, that is warm, and is maybe not quite big enough for all of us but the comfy coziness of it is enveloping (most days)
-for friends who comfort me and listen to me... those here and those far away
-for new friends who through the blogging world have made me feel safe and semi sane, who are vulnerable to share their experiences and willing to listen to me vent when i feel life is too hard.
-for my family - those here who without i would have never made it this far and those far away who pray and send thoughts our way every day.
-for my escape from reality - satallite tv - thank you oprah, rachael ray, general hospital, y&r, grey's anatomy and tlc.. really thank you.
-for wades curry recipe that we had this weekend it made me so happy.
-for a somewhat healthy family
-for the day when we will sleep a whole night.

so be thankful today.. take the challange to count your blessings.. maybe the sun isn't shining outside today but i feel a bit lighter inside.
-

one step forward two steps back

ahhh what a letdown.. last week went so well and this weekend seems to have just brought me back to my reality... oh yea my life is HARD.... other than my body lacking in energy, the boys draining me of everything i have, sleep deprivation (although its getting a tad better), my temper being atrocious... yea enough said..
dave and i were chatting this morning and he said that maybe we just have to resign to the fact that life sucks right now and if we do that then it won't seem so bad.
i love my boys but part of me is feeling a tiny bit of resentment.. my life has changed so much and although i love them and love being with them i feel unfufilled and sad most of the time. i am pretty sure i may not be cut out to be a stay at home mom and that does make me feel so guilty. i was reading over at another multiple moms blog and she said the same thing which gave me a feeling of freedom.. especially living in the community that i do where pretty much every mom is at home almost like its her duty and i always thought i wanted that but now i am not sure.. i definitly don't want to miss out on everything but even a few hours a week doing something else i am good at... (insert thought here for all of you.. I know i am a good mom. this is not in despute or the point so don't go that route)
anyways these are my thoughts.. last week was good. the first day of moms morning out happend on tuesday which basically will save me each tuesday for the next few weeks. it was awesome. two hours of childcare and a great program just for me. tuesday night dave and i went to the city to meet up with an old friend from vancouver which was awesome. my mom and dad were here with the boys which went well. wednesday morning i meet with a bunch of ladies and wednesday night was our first night of small group with some people from our church.. it was fantastic i really think we will enjoy it.. for those of you who faithfully read my blog funniest thing was that one of the couples is the manager of Canadian Tire.. how ironic. maybe that will be part of my healing from my horrible experience there...thursday i spent time with my mom and of course watched Grey's in the evening which gives me an hour to totally escape my life. and then friday i was childless for the afternoon as my mom took noah and my good friend rhonda took ari.. this was excellent. i did stuff around the house and got ready for company we were having that night.. p.s - wade if you read this.. i made your tikka masala recipe which was the best thing i have ever had and reminded me of my severe cravings for your curry during my pregnancy.. thanks for sharing. shoot i have more to write but both boys are crying.. i will try to write again this week.. sorry.

lighter...

i feel lighter.. i am so encouraged by all of you who left me comments on my post about my struggles with breastfeeding and feeling down.. seriously thank you.. i know i am not alone in this.. i feel better.. the last couple nights have been better which has helped and although i am not through processing what is best i have decided for now to night wean so that means shop closed from 7pm to 6am - i love what laguila said about Everyone having a different story. It is not a contest, it is a bunch of different stories that cannot possibly be judged against one another. I am comforted by the fact that my babies are thriving and although somedays it feels like we are just getting by we are getting by... parenting twins really is a messy pursuit!
and to make you feel even better i will leave you with this photo of the day....

babysitters...

anyone have any advice on how to go about finding a babysitter... other than my mom and sister-in-laws (who have their own families) its really getting hard... any thoughts??

friendly motherhood competition?

i have a few posts on the brain these days but with two sick babies i have not had much time to post. i too have been going through a wierd spell these days not feeling much like myself. but my ever increasing thoughts on this motherhood thing make for a new post.. why is it that we all are measured by what we do for our kids... what sleep method you use, how long you breastfeed.. and so many others. i am sick of trying to compete to sound like the "better" mom.. sick of the guilt i feel when i don't "measure" up. being a mom is hard.. trying to figure out what they need, when they need it and love them even if you can't figure it out.. yes my babies are 8 months old and they don't sleep through the night, yes my babies have had a bottle with god forbid formula when they were little, yes somedays i have to let them cry because i can't handle it anymore and have to walk away for a bit, and yes somedays i am not the model mom and my hair isn't done and i am still wearing sweats when my husband comes home...
we are hit with books to read, the latest trends and the arguments about how we should be raising our kids.. which way is better... and that brings me to this sad story that i will gladly take advice on.. i have been feeling a bit down these last few weeks.. it was hard adjusting to life after our vacation and the boys did not take it well and they came home sick and just kept getting sicker.. noah sounds like an 80 year old smoker its horrible.. then there is the teething and the thrush.. so needless to say there isn't much sleep at our house and i feel run down and somedays beaten down. yesterday i had a physical with my wonderful amazing doctor who i love to pieces (she really is fabulous). we chatted about how i was and of course i broke into tears sharing how i was feeling..she asked me if i felt my emotional being was affected for long spells or just depends on the day and usually it just depends on the day.. we discussed treatment and decided medicine wasnt what i needed but probably rest and more energy and just a lift in my spirit... she is so sweet and she looked at me and said "i am not telling you this as a mom but as a doctor, i think you should stop breastfeeding." gulp that was heartbreaking.. we talked about what that would do for me and how my emotions are so unbalanced because of the hormones and how nursing two for the last 8 months is beginning to take its toll. we also discussed how chances are the boys would probably learn to sleep at night better because who doesn't want to wake up to a warm boob. she explained she thought in two weeks my body would feel 100% different... this suggestion was hard for so many reasons... (these are thoughts in my own head. NOT JUDGEMENTS of any other choices)

1. a good mother breastfeeds
2. i love breastfeeding.. its my time with the boys and they want ME for it
3. guilt.. yep i would feel tremendous guilt if i quit
4. if i quit i am giving up.. i worked my ass off to get the hang of breastfeeding.
5. won't they get deathly sick because they are not getting the holy breastmilk and oh that brings me to the other reason i am evil.. we have not had them vaccinated....
6. would they still love me.. wouldn't that make them mad at me?

so as i think and grieve this decision (its not made yet) i will leave you with a couple things.. i found a new twin mom who writes so well... she wrote a post a few weeks back that made me laugh so hard.. it describes perfectly the competition we all feel read about it here. i must say that my doctor really affirmed this in me and i am super proud of myself.. i have nursed twins for 8 months and the beginning was nothing more than a disaster and for that and so many other reasons i am a good mom!

must read..

you have to read this novel.. so good. best book i ever read!!

travel, home, sleep, flu and other not so nice things...

well we made it.. finally home.. it was a great trip out east but long and by the end we were ready to be home. the boys did so well even with all the changes we put them through.. the flights were great the boys were troopers.. a bit confused i think but overall it was good. some highlights of the trip home.. after getting the airport in London Ari had some nasty diarea in the airport which was up and down his legs and back.. yea fun. The boys both love playing with plastic bags and cups which kept them busy the entire flight... After we landed Noah puked everyone many times on the way home.. his car seat and him were covered in pears.. gross. their first night in their own beds was ok not great but better than it had been the whole time we were away.. Noah continued to puke at night which was not fun and explained why when me and the boys woke up we were all sick.. i got the worst of it.. taking care of two babies and running to the bathroom every half hour is not my idea of a good time. thankfully my mom was there to help me and the boys were not that interested in anything but laying around as well... it was a horrible day that i thought would never end. thankfully i felt better by the next morning... the boys however got worse.. they are teething something fierce... i have no pity for a singleton mom who has to go through teething.. because doing it with two is as close to hell as i've been in awhile. yikes.. i spent most of yesterday trying to comfort them both. they would go down for naps and then wake up 15 minutes later screaming in pain.. i used orajel which seemed to make it worse and today i found out why.... if sensitive to female related things stop reading now and come back later...
i noticed they had some white spots in their mouth a couple days ago and thought it must be related to teething but this morning i could not get them to stop screaming they were obviously in some awful pain.. so off we went to the clinic to see our doctor who thankfully saw us... and the culprit a nasty bout of thrush me and the boys.. yuck. i had been having some nursing difficulties and just chalked it up to increased nursing on the trip but that is not so... so now we are all being treated for thrush which is basically a fungal infection. i'm glad i know now but the treatment is for two weeks which seems like an eternity to me right now as i am dealing with food sensitivity issues, teething and constipation in the boys anyways.. one thing on top of the other. when will it end.. oh yeah when they are 18 and leave the house... i have some great happy thoughts of our trip and new pics that i will post later oh and a new post about my increasing passion to get back into Doulaing and all things birth related.. so till next time...

starbucks+ikea+me=dream date

friday was a lovely day... i got ready, nursed the boys and ran out the door for a date all my own... i drove to starbucks and ordered an americano and lovingly thought of audrey. i got back in my car smile on my face yummy coffee in hand and got onto the 403... my faveorite song came on the radio and i sung along as i sipped my coffee... i took the fairview exit and as i drove down the ramp a big smile spread across my face as i gazed upon the big blue building with yellow sign and colorful flags.. there she was.. ikea... and me all alone. a perfect date. i slowly wandered all the isles putting things in my buggy... i spent a couple hours there sipping my coffee. yes a perfect date just me, starbucks and ikea.. all was well in the world.

sleep deprivation and other fun things...

well we are settled in ontario enjoying time with family and friends. its green and quite warm here. the flight was amazing.. both boys were so awesome. they were a bit tired but did manage a 45min nap right after we took off. they never cried and they flirted with most female passengers around us. it was highly succesful which was a relief. the stewardess and all on our air canada jazz flight were AMAZING.. i was blown away by the helpfulness.. our stewardess held Ari while I went to the bathroom and threatened not to give him back...
my worst fears were quickly recognized as we settled in here and realized they were not going to sleep well... took us forever to get them nap and even longer to settle for the night and when i mean settle i just mean for the hour they would sleep then wake up screaming again... that first night was pure torture and could have been made into a horror movie... it has progressivly gotten better but definitly does not even remotely resemble how they sleep at home.. not even close. so that has been a bit stressful for me and makes for crankier babies.. i figure i have done everything right.. brought blankets from there bed at home, their fave stuffed animals and toys, one night i even got into the playpen with one of them and laid there with him.. so they just have to figure out that its safe here and hopefully it will get better.. on thursday we are going somewhere else for a few nights so hopefully we don't have repeat hell... i'm hoping this trip will make them more flexible.. other than that things are great.. we have grandparents and aunties who love them and a cousin who is two who is a huge help.. adorable to watch zoe interact with them. she hasn't played with her own toys since we got here.. she loves to give them their nuks and bring their diapers to the garbage.. she hugs and plays with them.. is an excellent little mother. last night we got to go out with daves best friend and his new fiance.. other than morgan being sick poor guy we had a great time and martha is so amazing... we had a great time. anyways that is the update thus far.. thanks for staying tuned.. i don't have our pics uploaded on this computer but daves sister has some so here are a few for you to enjoy..