fRuStRaTiOn

i'm beginning to wonder what it all means. you know that feeling when you get so excited about something and you think oh thanks God you really are listening and then BAM - dissapointment. yeah that feeling. i know you all know it. lets be honest here it happens more than we would like.
so i had this groovy job interview set up for today - postpartum doula stuff. an awesome opportunity to get some training and work for the ministry of health here. i worked all day on a resume.... get home and listen to my messages....cancelled. yep the whole thing just like that. no more program, not enough interest. over just like that.
yeah yeah feed me the sappy christian line that it will all work out and i'll be ok. i know i know. but for now it really SUCKS!
its been tough lately trying to figure out what the future holds. dave wants to go to winkler, i want to stay here. we both want to see each other prosper in our dreams for our future but when they are happening in different places its hard. today i think i would give in to him if he asks me. ready to throw in the towel and i just kind of want to hang out with my mom and see lisa and hold william and maybe have my own baby.
i should probably go before i say more things i will regret later but hey this is what life is about keeping it real. i'm so tired of being fake and a happy shiny christian - the word of the day is vulnerability.