SuPrIsE

yep in case you havn't heard - We're having a baby!
well today i have entered the sixth week of my pregnancy and our baby is just about the size of a small lentil bean. or pinto as audrey likes to call it. its really an amazing thing. just the whole feeling - super overwhelming. i'm in awe of how we are created. this little bitty bean has a heart beat, eyes and developing ears, the arms and legs appear as protruding buds. the hands and feet look like mini paddles. the tongue and vocal cords are beginning to form. how can anyone question whether or not God exists. what a miracle. i'll keep you posted.

first aid certified!

another accomplishment. i needed to get my CPR Course done for the Doula work i am doing. it feels good to have that done.
i have been quiet this week. maybe a bit lonely. dave and everyone else is in the Okanagan at the Go Conference. it sounds like it is going really well and people are enjoying it. it sure has been quiet around here with all the staff and students gone. i think i miss them. yeah when i ate lunch alone today i sure did. ok so i miss you. only when the phone rings do i remember what my voice sounds like.
other than that things are good. i have had lots of time alone which in a way has been good as well. i finally got everything sent away for my DONA certification which is a huge relief. i just needed to write one final essay on the benefits and purpose of labour support. it feels good to be done. anyways just wanted to let you all know i am still here. thanks for all your encouragment the last couple weeks its been tough but something tells me its time for a new season!

walking on water

so i feel like i have gained some perspective on my current state of feeling misunderstood. My walk with God is laced with some hard falls yet i find that some of the most intimate times i have with God are times i allow him to break then mend my heart. my old journals are filled with scratchy writing outlining relationships falling apart, people i know who are dying and the times i have felt left out. i can still see where tears have stained pages of mission trip journeys and the time i heard someone i knew well had cancer and moving to new places with not knowing people.
Jesus asks us to take up our cross and follow him - cheezy cliché - maybe! But that means getting our own motives out of the way and focusing on Him. but when i do that it seems i set myself up for hurt. waiting on God has to be one fo the hardest things i have ever had to do - especially since i love to know what will happen next. i've often shuddered at the words to the song that says ' brokenness, brokenness is what i long for." because that involves a little more than i am sometimes willing to give. brokeness doesn't only hurt at first but it can continue to hurt for some time. but jesus wants hearts like clay that he can form. He wants reckless abandonment. he wants us to trust Him to provide for us in new places. he wants us to walk way from relationships that are not glorifying him. He yearns for our transparency - a clear pic of our hearts. Jesus isn't so concerned with recognition i receive or how full my calendar is. He is concerned that my heart is transforming into his own. Jesus longs for brokenness because when we are broken we realize only He can make us whole.
We often hear the phrase " get our of your comfort zone" Our comfort zone refers to whatever is keeping us from a closer relationship with God. Like when Peter left the boat and jumped without a life preserver into the the water to meet jesus. and as his feet hit the surface without sinking, his heart must have pounded. The bible tells us that as Peter removed his eyes from Jesus and starts to worry about the storm around him he starts to sink. when he does he finds Jesus helping him up again. i admire Peters courage to even get out of the boat. i might have just been like ' ahh how about you come get me?"
God longs to teach us important lessons He want so show us a love better and more real than any we can even imagine. we want it but getting it requires a willingness to come to Him even when it means letting Him break our hearts.
We just need to understand that God wants us to lean on Him and to have His peace. The beauty of brokenness is this: allowing Jesus to heal us brings us ever closer to His loving embrace. So if I can challenge you and me - let's fix our eyes on Him right now and follow Him thru the muck storming around us. when He says just look at me you won't fall; i'll catch you. may it be the sweetest encouragement, the truest promise and the greatest hope we will ever need.

i feel extremely misunderstood.

mis·un·der·stood, (-std) mis·un·der·stand·ing, mis·un·der·stands

To understand incorrectly; misinterpret.

i miss lindsey part 2

i miss you. hope you are not freezing.

either its writers block or i am clearly unmotivated

its been hard to sit down and write lately. i have so many things to write and have no idea what order to do them in so since i can write here and have no consequences i guess i will choose this one first. i am trying to write some birth essays to send in with my certification; i have no idea why this is seemingly so hard. dave and i need to write a newsletter as well which we have been putting off for far to long. (sorry to all those supporters reading this). writing would also mean catching up on emails which i have been HORRIBLE at (sorry my dear friend lindsey). so see lots to write. not enough time nor the will to think of clever things to say. ahh mercy mercy forget my lack of will i am just trying to get by.
i had a good day today. volunteered at the pregnancy centre which is always a highlight. i will be starting to work nights this coming weekend for an agency called mother me which i am pretty excited about. it will be challanging as it is long night shifts about twice a week till the middle of november. i will be working with a family with new twins. its been amazing to me all the experience i have gained in the last few months. seems like only yesterday i was doubting this was God's dream for me. we have a speaker in this week who said. hope in God and the plan He has for you... cause it's GOOD!
anyways lots of other things to write and somehow i feel a bit more inspired. have a lovely night.

i miss lindsey

this was on our ride to sask - we hit a snowstorm in the mountains. it was beautiful.
i wanted to call lindsey today and it was so sad when it hit me that i can't. lindsey moved back to winnipeg this weekend. and although intellectully i know that spring is not far away and i will see her soon it is hard when you are used to just being able to call each other and hang out.

things aren't the same without you linds. i love you!

priorities...

seems like there is always discussion around what the priorities are in ones life... that leads me to much reflection. i feel i have so many priorities and making them all work are sometimes a bit of a stresser for me. defining priorities? what does that look like?
-my marriage is a priority - spending time with Dave
-my clients are a priority - making sure i give them the care they need and with the increasing amounts of postpartum clients that means more scheduling
-marketing myself is a priority so i continue to get clients
-my ministry here at work is a priority - doing the best i can with the responsibility
-my friends and family are a priority - the ones far away seem to get the most neglected.
-supporters which fall into the above category - the angst over not writing a newsletter in so long unnerves me daily.

where does that leave me? i read something today that only hit me now but seems perfect for this..
wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her, happy are those who hold her tightly.

Introducing....

SO here is a highlight from our LONG trip to Saskatchewan. I guess you would call this the main hightlight! It was awesome to be there to see Ange & Leigh married. Beautiful Day!
I will post more later.....

beauty

Introducing Ayla Molly born September 17/05. 7lbs 13oz.

double doses of pink!

so yesterday i was witness to another incredible birth; another girl. so beautiful! at 10:05pm we all welcomed Ayla into the world. it was an amazing birth which once again teaches me how beautifully we are designed. i will post some pictures of both births this week (i don't have high speed at home so it makes it hard to upload pics) just wanted you all to know! celebrate life today in whatever way that looks for you. its all around us.
lots of love

what a week.

wow what a week it has been. as you can tell from my lack of posting its been busy. we just finished our annual week long staff retreat. interesting, intense, and full of surprises. it was a lovely time hanging out with everyone, learning more about each other and grasping a little piece of God.
in the midst of the craziness of the staff retreat i experienced another birth which was of course amazing. my clients had a beautiful baby girl. i will post some pics later (i will see them again today). its been a long week and i am exhausted but also encouraged as i continue to seek more for me.
i had another incredible thing happen to me as i sat down to read emails yesterday. i got an email from a girl who is new to the doula world and wanting to chat with me. she got linked to my blog and discovered i am a christian (she is too) and a ywamer (she was too) can you even belive that? i know God is there. he shows it in the little things too.
i'll try to post again later with more details of the birth of emma elizabeth and upcoming exciting things like Emily coming this week! and ange & leighs wedding only a week away!!
enjoy your saturday in lots of peace.

in case you're worried

i figured i needed to clarify some things on my blog.. two people have commented on how depressing my blog is and just in case you are wondering. I am OK! yes, its funny that when you get into it, like really get into the heart of how you are feeling and as a christian if it doesn't sound up and exciting you get labelled as depressed. i actually feel better than i have in a long time. i feel like i am finally learning how to communicate with God and learning that he gives me grace to feel lousy at times too. this realization has come with alot of freedom. hard lessons to learn but liberating as well. so, anyways i am ok. i feel alive and i feel like i am starting to understand that God knows me and accepts me and whatever "feeling" comes along. i could be wrong tho as my husband seems to think all i am is a big "feeling". heehee. he has patience too. thank God!
i am beginning to actually appreciate the bad and the good in life. thats freeing for me.

change is scary, healthy, inevitable

I don't know if it's change in my life, or change in others lives or something entirely different, but something has me super nostalgic. There's nothing like a hard look at the past to make someone realize how much has changed in their life. People fear change, that's no secret. Its also understandlable, since change constantly undermines our comforatable routines. But without change, there is not growth and without growth there is, well, nothing, really. Nothing thats important, anyways. Growth is a necessary and unavoidable part of life, no matter how much we resist or fear. Most things I'm gald are behing me. But I'm even more glad that life has left me me irreplaceable moments. Nostalgia is extremely underrated. It's a big part of what makes us human. So there it is: change, growth, bittersweet and nostalgia. They add up to the same thing. us. we wouldn't be who we are without having been who we were. we wouldnt have what we have without having left some things behind, by choice or otherwise.
And so I'm left thinking back to saying goodbye and facing change head on. Some nights are just made for memories.
I will miss you Kristina, for you and this season in your life i think change is a beautiful thing

whirlwind weekend

i wanted to post some pics from our whirlwind party weekend. friday night we celebrated pam's birthday at our house which was fun. we watched "Guess Who" - hilarious and ate popcorn and ice cream cake. oh saturday was Sophia's first birthday - amazing to me that she is one. she is so bright and so beautiful. i sometimes just stare at her and think how lovely she is. so cuddly and alert. she loved her baby that she got from dave & i. it was our highlight - she called her Al. sunday we had a great anniversary. relaxed and laid back. we ate sushi for lunch and went to the art gallery. neither of us had been there and louise and curtis gave us a 2 for 1 coupon. it was neat. not as much abstract art as we would have liked but it was a great time. we went home and took a nap (always nice on a rainy sunday afternoon) then we went to a great restaurant for drinks and dinner. sometimes it hits me how lucky i am to have the rest of my life to spend with this incredible man. he makes me happy. we had alot of fun together. dave was so thoughtful and made me incredible gifts. i can't to spend many more years together. building on what a fantastic year this has been. people say the first year of marriage is hard, we didn't find that and when we talked about it on sunday we both were so proud of the way we have learned to communicate. we figure thats part of the reason why. i'm so lucky to have my husband...

Happy Anniversary

well its been one year since david and i said i do. crazy how time flies. so far we've had a great day and its only 10am. david is so thoughtful. his gifts so far have all been done in my love languages.. he made a dvd full of pics of us set to music. things we've done over the year. he gave me a card, made me coffee, made me a book full of emails we have sent to each other over the past two years - the signifigance being that we have had such a good year because of the communication we have had. its adorable. i love it. and now he's making me breakfast. yummy. i'm sure there will be much more to write when this day is done. so stay tuned. when you find the right person love truely is a wonderful thing. enjoy your day. i know we will enjoy ours.

mourning

the definition of mourning is the act of sorrowing. and the defintion of sorrow is to feel or express sorrow. go figure.
ever feel like you mourn yourself or the person you thought you were or maybe its the person you thought you could be and just aren't? deep huh.. yeah well maybe thats just me these days. sick of surface and shallow. sick of cliches and well meaning words that make you want to stick your finger down your throat.
ok ok too agressive i get it. the voice in the back of my mind warns me that i am a missionary, a christian, telling me to be careful. yeah well i am human and i am desperate to be real. i don't always feel joyful and happy all the time. but i am still me and i am still moving forward. maybe even making more strides then before.
i want to be free to be me.. free to feel sad, distant, angry, passion, joy, peace.
i love life - just the thought of what all that means; its the period of duration and of your usefulness, its the sequence of physical and mental experiences, its a principle and a force that is said to underlie the distinctive quality of who you are. beautiful. how do we succeed in living life succesfully?
dangerous wonder
risky curiosity
wild abandon
daring playfulness
wide-eyed listening
irresponsible passion
happy terror
naive grace
childlike faith
Just when I get my church all sorted out, sheep from the goats, saved from the damned, hopelss from the hopeful, somebody makes a move, gets out of focus, cuts loose, and I see why Jesus never wrote systematic theology. So you and I can give thanks that the core of Christian thinking appears to be shifting from North America where people write rules and obey them, to places like Africa and Latin America where people still know how to dance.
wow.
i don't think i remember how to dance anymore, but i sure want to learn again.

love

i was thinking i never post about david and you all should really get to know him. because he is just so great. he is patient, loving, gentle, so fun, kind, thoughtful, sincere, patient and honest. i love him and he loves me. its a perfect match. he is everything i am not and that suits us both just fine.
so i plan to post more about this great guy who gets his name attatched to this blog... more to come.

birthday wishlist..

yep guys about a month and a half away from my birthday. just to help you out i have created a wishlist full of all the books i want and need for my doula library as well as certification. if you want to get me something check these titles out:
Birthing from Within: An Extra-Ordinary Guide to Childbirth Preparation by Pam England
The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer
Dr. Jack Newman's Guide to Breastfeeding by Dr.Jack Newman
Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year by Susun S Weed
Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin
The Mother of All Pregnancy Books: an All-Canadian Guide to Conception, Birth & Everything in Between by Ann Douglas
Childbirth Without Fear: The Principles and Practice of Natural Childbirth by Michel Odent
How is that for a list.. now what do i do if i get more than one of each. hmmm never thought about that....i guess i can always exchange them (maybe include a gift receipt) sweet.

lazy days

don't you just love summer.. yesterday dave and i spent the day being beach bums at Kits Beach. it was wonderful especially after a full week of finishing MA, cleaning, moving, organizing and other general chaos. after our day at the beach i made yummy beef faijitas (dave said maybe my best meal yet) and then i went over to ange, lindsey & kristina's for ange's last night here before she goes home to get ready to be a bride! it was fun. henri brought us chocolate from England (nothing like galaxy chocolate), we ate Lindsey's amazing cherry pie and she made us latte's or chai or london fogs which were awesome. we watched "Guess Who" which by the way is so funny. it was a great time. ange has joined the dark side with a new blog so check it out here. we all can't wait till the wedding which is Sept.24th in beautiful saskatchewan. good times. anyways dave is cooking me a yummy breakfast of bacon and eggs so i better go. have a great rest of your weekend!