Saying Goodbye to Bisnonna

its been a whirlwind couple of days. at 12:30pm on Saturday Dave's Grandma took her last breath. her death didn't come as a complete shock.. she had been suffering for awhile now. we spent an hour or so weighing all our options.. does dave go alone, do we go without kids, does he take one, or do we all go.. we made the decision after checking on flights (which we got an amazing deal on) that we would all go. dave really wanted us all to go. so we left here early sunday morning with a trip to winnipeg where we valet parked our van loaded ALL our stuff.. we are talking two car seats, playepen, strollers, suitcases and of course the babies... and boarded the plane to Hamilton. it went really well.. i was shocked and amazed at how well they were on the plane. sunday was tough on the boys as naps were pretty much non existant and they had been up early. they were overwhelmed with many new people and didn't take well to that. by the time we got them to bed that night it was 8:30 and wouldn't you believe it they slept ALL night and were up at 8:30 the next day. what wonderful sleep!!
monday was a good day... yummy breakfast, good time spent with family, a little shopping trip with lydia and julia to the mall where i found the boys black shirts (finally - thanks h&m). One of the highlights for me was getting to go to our absolute faveorite restaurant ever Sappuro's Japenese All you can eat sushi extravaganza... oh my!!! i can't even begin to tell you the sensory overload i enjoy there. and what better than to be surrounded by family and our good friends Morgan and Martha (who are basically family). Thanks to Grandma and Grandpa for watching the boys!
Yesterday was the funeral and although it was difficult for me to concentrate with chasing the boys around in the back it was a lovely service. The boys did well (as everyone told me). I had a difficult time when we got to the graveyard for Grandmas buriel. I had a hard time with the boys who were getting a bit out of hand.. I missed the entire thing while chasing Ari and watching Noah face plant down some pavement (while i thought dave was watching him and he thought i was watching him) As I scooped up my little guy and dug rocks out of his mouth i was overwhelmed with sadness of the idea of buriel and all that meant. I know she wasn't my grandma but still the effect of her life touches mine and I never really got to say goodbye.
The flight home was good as well... a bit tough as the boys were tired but I was happy those around us were still in love with the boys when we landed exclaiming how cute they were and how good they had been. Highlight of the trip home was when we got to the airport and we were standing in line waiting to pay for parking and some random stranger gave my 17 month old a sucker and even went so far as to unwrap it and give him his first taste of the sweetest thing since breast milk. thanks mister.
We got lots of great photos and for those in Ontario who would like to see them or anyone else for that matter here is a sneak peek.


I uploaded them all to a Picasa Web Album and you can view them all HERE.
Next post will be an update on our house which is going up so fast.
Oh and by the way Its good to be back.

overload..

have patience with me this week.. so much to share. our life voyage will be on post overload.. have patience and stay tuned...

its working

its working.. this has been a great week. hang in there. i'm coming back better than ever... soon.

the end and the beginning

honestly i hate it when people say they are taking a break from blogging... now hate is a pretty strong word you might be thinking.. but it proves my point. i am hating pretty much everything these days. i am doing damage to myself and especially those closest to me. i am tired of having nothing good to blog about because i can't seem to find much good in anything these days. i am going on a journey and exploration to find me again... need to find me before i move on... need a bit of truth to carry out each day. so i'm taking a little break.. not from you (i'll be reading) but just needing to remember how much good there is in my life and remember joy again. it won't be a long break... if i have something to blog about i will... i just need to learn how to communicate with the here and now instead of hide behind my keyboard. wish me peace, light, wisdom and joy on my journey.

going deeper feeling shallow

i remember when i had my birthday last month.. i was full of aspirations for this next year. i really want to be a truth teller... to myself. i feel most of the reasons i am flailing around is because i am so good at telling myself lies. so good at conjuring up stories and blowing them out of proportion.
the other night i was trying to quiet my mind and be able to hear clearly.. there was nothing i could do to stop thoughts from coming and just distracting me from trying to be quiet. seems my to do lists are always a mile long.. they usually never get done which leaves me guilty and hard on myself. its getting old. part of my just wants to give up.. maybe thats the answer.
yesterday someone reminded me of how people see me.. usually the words that follow are joyful, bright smile, lights up a room, happy, bubbly... uggg. don't get me wrong yes i love that and i know thats part of me.. but when will the inside line up again. i do remember what that felt like to purely feel like that even though it was so long ago i do remember. i do have glimpses of that girl.
i'm wanting more vulnerability in my life. freedom to be who i am... more opportunities to just get down and dirty and really get rid of the crap deep in my heart. i attend a group of women that meets every other Wednesday. been life to me since we started meeting last year. its a good place.. a safe place but yet yesterday i felt like i couldn't share.. i always share and i felt so insecure that people were sick of hearing about my crap. we have started to attend a care group from our church this year as well... its good.. but yet such a range of people its hard to get close and deep. we need like a life group of people our own age who really feel like going deeper is the only way anyone will walk in freedom. why is this so hard to achieve?
ok seriously i have jumped around and rambled long enough.. i am going to get up and go spend some time with my kids now. just let this settle and come back and read it again later.

Wordless Wednesday - Brothers

photo entered in The Twinkies fall photo contest. Check it out HERE.

pinching pennies...

I think I talked about this once before. My lack of faith in regards to being taken care of.. financially speaking. In the life we had before this one :) we were in full time ministry and we raised all our own support which was challenging at best. But for some reason I always knew it would just work out just faith that was anchored deep down. I had seen it happen in the craziest ways.. last minute miracles.
My faith is just not the same as it used to be. I guess maybe too many wind storms have begun to pull up my anchor and my faith is swept away... Dave started school today.. 9 weeks. He is an apprentice in his trade which means every year he goes to school. He was excited for the change and I think feeling like new confidence would come with some schooling under his belt. I know this was always in the plan but today I woke up panicked... we spent the weekend talking about things we would have to do differently in these next 9 weeks... He goes on unemployment so he only gets a percentage of what he made... unemployment takes up to 5 weeks to get....
I vowed to not spend a penny on scrapbooking (with the exception of the November kit), not as many Tim's runs, eating out is out of the question... just the bare necessities. Why is this so hard to live with less? Its clear to me the timing of everything is obviously bigger than us... so today i will be reminded that I have all I need... my kids have all they need in us (and a few cases of diapers). Thanks for letting me share. Just needed to get it off my chest.

vicious cycle

2 boxes of kleenex in two days. snot everywhere. mass amounts of water consumed. back on herbs. poor babies. poor mommy.

7 burning questions...

Got tagged over at Adventures In Babywearing to do the 7 burning questions meme:

1. If you could have an endless supply of any food, what would it be and why?
That’s tough. I love food.. I would pick sushi.. Not the extreme varieties but veggie sushi and LOTS of it. Although I love Japanese food anything Mexican would be a close second. Oh and coffee.. can I have coffee?

2. If you were an animal what would you be and why?
I really don’t like animals.. Any of them. So thankful I am not an animal. But if I were I guess I would be a puppy.. cuddly, loyal and most people like them.

3. If you could only describe yourself using three words, what three words would you use?
friendly, honest & loyal

4. If you could be a super hero who would you be and why?
I guess I would like to be Superman because of his strong belief in justice and humanitarian service. But I would also like to be invisible…

5. What is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you?
My “sick” episode in Los Angeles.. I am not even going to go there.

6. What is one of your biggest pet peeves and why?
Being Hot. I just hate being hot. When people cut through parking lots.. that’s why there are lines people!!!! Being late - me or anyone else. It drives me nuts.

7. Out of red, green, blue, yellow and orange which one is your favorite color?
Green

If you chose red what is one of your favorite hobbies?
If you chose green what is your favorite place?
If you chose blue what is one favorite memory?
If you chose yellow what is your dream job?
If you chose orange it’s a wildcard and you can tell us anything about yourself!

My favorite place...
My Scrap Shoppe is probably my fave place right now. Not only the way it brings out creativity in me by the eye candy.. But the people I associate it with and the way it really is a bright spot in my week.

-Alright- the first three people to comment here are TAGGED! I'll be checking on you, too!

7 Duster Bay

its official! we came from the lawyers and kicked the dirt on our new lot! digging starts thursday and before we know it we will move in to our new house at 7 Duster Bay. Here are some pics of the lot and our new bay as they are now. we'll keep you posted on the progress.the first pic: see the road.. thats our bay. the second pic: looking at our bay from the West. the third existing house you see will be our back door neighbors..

today on oprah..

If you still have a chance I encourage you to watch Oprah today. I was drawn to the premise of the show "Wombs for Rent" Lisa Ling investigates Indian Women who are being surrogates for women all over the world who are desperate to have children. It was heart warming and interesting to hear the story of a couple who have gone through the process and are now awaiting the birth of their first child in India... I am not usually one to go to Oprah's message boards but was drawn there this afternoon to see what other people were saying. It is interesting to me to see the divide and also the hostile opinions people have on this subject. I've come across this before in the blogging world and maybe its just the anonymity of the internet that makes people so brash.
One woman went so far to say that women who "sell their bodies" to surrogacy are just like prostitutes... some people will say these women in India are being used, and exploited but why do we always have to go to such extremes to defend our own opinions. I saw this story as a beautiful way this american woman and this indian woman were helping each other achieve the dreams they never thought possible. I saw the smile the woman in India had as she showed us her new house that actually had walls and protection from the harsh elements.. the pride as she talked about sending her children to receive education they never though possible. And although I do not know the sorrow that must be unbearable for a woman who cannot conceive her own child you saw the relief and excitement in the american couple when they were told "congratulations your going to have a baby!"
Yesterday Dave and I watched a new show on Discovery Health called "Jon & Kate plus eight" Jon & Kate have 5 year old twins and 2 year old Sextuplets. At times its hard for me to watch only because I find twins difficult and I cannot imagine having more.. she is my hero! Its their beautiful family. When the doctor showed them the six heads in their first ultrasound he was quick to tell them they could discuss reduction. Jon & Kate told him absolutely not. Did they think this would be easy? NO! But they were ready to become parents and this was their path.
We each have our own ways we choose to live on this earth.. to help, to not help, to judge, to not judge, to make peace or war. What we do and say can have an affect on people we do not know. I want to choose to celebrate the joy in life. So heres to Jennifer & Kendell and their baby in India, to the women of India who just long for a better life for their children and to Jon & Kate. I am in awe and inspired by all your journeys to become life givers.

living

by being creative.. here are some layouts i have worked on in the past little while. this weekend i got a two done that i love... walking out what is inspiring fills me up. (you can see more of my stuff by clicking on my Scrapbooking Gallery on the top tabs)

10 days later...

the view from here today....

Jester tags Noah & Ari

Jester tagged Noah and Ari and they are happy to oblige but realized that there couldn’t possibly be enough E’s in our name. Thanks Mom and Dad.

Here are the rules: You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. (If you don't have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.) When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post and then choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

Ari
J......Jumpy the frog. I love my stuffy Jumpy. We have a sleepover every night. He is soft and cuddly just like me.
E.....Eat. I love to eat.
R.....Routine... Maybe I got this from my mom. But I do best with some kind of routine. hopefully I will be able to adapt to spontaneity as I get older but for now please don’t ruin my routine.
E.....Everything. See above E.
M.....Moves. I have moves like you have never seen. Music comes on and I am grooving.
I.....Independent. I dig just running off to find something to get into. My brother tends to stick close to mom but me I enjoy my own independence.
A.....Adventurous. I love to discover new things. Not a lot fear here.
H - Hate waiting. Oh man this ones gets me. I hate to wait especially when it comes to food.

Noah
E - Eat.. Ok I stole one from my brother but really its what makes us the same. I love food. All food. Can’t get enough food ever
M - Mom. I am not afraid to admit I love my mom. In fact I am so in love I hate when she leaves me ever.
E - Energy. Its one of the things my mom loves most about me. Endless Energy.
R - Run. One of my new favorite things to do. Run up and down the hallway.. Shaking my booty.
Y - Yes I am a twin but as alike as we look we are different kids. So I’m coming up with a new word and calling myself Younique.

We tag Jonas, Eleanor & Sophia.

aware of the journey

my personal journey lately has been muddy. its been the last year really where there has just been something missing. i felt it in a great wave on my birthday this year. not sure what my expectation was but i felt disappointed in almost every way. I was blessed by so many but the void of some important people who just forgot somehow crept in and took over. I want to be full instead I seem to entertain the empty parts and they hurt.
I told you all about my personal life coach with Kim McMechan which has been valuable each day. She brought to light many things I could just not articulate. I have also been on an exploration with a book she recommended called The Joy Diet. It has been life changing as well... When I say life changing I mean it will be right? I have a hard time with follow through these days. Always just feel so overwhelmed and I begin to tell myself the sad story of "Why bother?" When we went through our prenatal classes from Birthing From Within I was introduced to this concept of the stories we run through our heads that bring in fear, insecurity and just false thoughts. We get so worked up that we begin to believe them as true. The Joy Diet explores this too in the chapter entitled Truth. What are the painful stories I tell myself and how can I be sure they are truthful? Is my painful story working? Meaning is it helping me feel peaceful, balanced and able to face life's difficulties by growing and changing? yea usually not. Martha Beck reminds me to ask if there is another story that might work better. Reversing the lie. Its been great for me. There are many menu items (behaviors) to work through and I am only on the second which is truth but I am encouraged that I am able to sit down and really begin to pull back the layers of hardness I have seemed to inherit this past year.
From my session with Kim I have begun to understand a bit more of how I am made.. how at the end of the day my empty feeling is the result of not siphoning my creative energy in a positive way. I am aware of how I turn to the tv to turn off my mind and it leaves me empty. I have begun to really sit with projects and let my creative energy burn off in a positive way. My new mantra is "Little adjustments make way for huge miracles"
So as I enter my 28th year I am working towards being aware of my journey. I spent a good chunk of time on Sunday making some goals and removing expectations from myself. I have been mourning so much lately. Lost friends, Lack of Joy and peace in my life, a less than passionate relationship with my husband, the desire and disappointment of vulnerability and authenticity.
I reconnected with an old and dear friend the other day and it felt so good. I was reminded of a happier time and reminded that those times are not lost. They are richer now as I begin to just be more aware of the journey.