SuPrIsE

yep in case you havn't heard - We're having a baby!
well today i have entered the sixth week of my pregnancy and our baby is just about the size of a small lentil bean. or pinto as audrey likes to call it. its really an amazing thing. just the whole feeling - super overwhelming. i'm in awe of how we are created. this little bitty bean has a heart beat, eyes and developing ears, the arms and legs appear as protruding buds. the hands and feet look like mini paddles. the tongue and vocal cords are beginning to form. how can anyone question whether or not God exists. what a miracle. i'll keep you posted.

first aid certified!

another accomplishment. i needed to get my CPR Course done for the Doula work i am doing. it feels good to have that done.
i have been quiet this week. maybe a bit lonely. dave and everyone else is in the Okanagan at the Go Conference. it sounds like it is going really well and people are enjoying it. it sure has been quiet around here with all the staff and students gone. i think i miss them. yeah when i ate lunch alone today i sure did. ok so i miss you. only when the phone rings do i remember what my voice sounds like.
other than that things are good. i have had lots of time alone which in a way has been good as well. i finally got everything sent away for my DONA certification which is a huge relief. i just needed to write one final essay on the benefits and purpose of labour support. it feels good to be done. anyways just wanted to let you all know i am still here. thanks for all your encouragment the last couple weeks its been tough but something tells me its time for a new season!

walking on water

so i feel like i have gained some perspective on my current state of feeling misunderstood. My walk with God is laced with some hard falls yet i find that some of the most intimate times i have with God are times i allow him to break then mend my heart. my old journals are filled with scratchy writing outlining relationships falling apart, people i know who are dying and the times i have felt left out. i can still see where tears have stained pages of mission trip journeys and the time i heard someone i knew well had cancer and moving to new places with not knowing people.
Jesus asks us to take up our cross and follow him - cheezy cliché - maybe! But that means getting our own motives out of the way and focusing on Him. but when i do that it seems i set myself up for hurt. waiting on God has to be one fo the hardest things i have ever had to do - especially since i love to know what will happen next. i've often shuddered at the words to the song that says ' brokenness, brokenness is what i long for." because that involves a little more than i am sometimes willing to give. brokeness doesn't only hurt at first but it can continue to hurt for some time. but jesus wants hearts like clay that he can form. He wants reckless abandonment. he wants us to trust Him to provide for us in new places. he wants us to walk way from relationships that are not glorifying him. He yearns for our transparency - a clear pic of our hearts. Jesus isn't so concerned with recognition i receive or how full my calendar is. He is concerned that my heart is transforming into his own. Jesus longs for brokenness because when we are broken we realize only He can make us whole.
We often hear the phrase " get our of your comfort zone" Our comfort zone refers to whatever is keeping us from a closer relationship with God. Like when Peter left the boat and jumped without a life preserver into the the water to meet jesus. and as his feet hit the surface without sinking, his heart must have pounded. The bible tells us that as Peter removed his eyes from Jesus and starts to worry about the storm around him he starts to sink. when he does he finds Jesus helping him up again. i admire Peters courage to even get out of the boat. i might have just been like ' ahh how about you come get me?"
God longs to teach us important lessons He want so show us a love better and more real than any we can even imagine. we want it but getting it requires a willingness to come to Him even when it means letting Him break our hearts.
We just need to understand that God wants us to lean on Him and to have His peace. The beauty of brokenness is this: allowing Jesus to heal us brings us ever closer to His loving embrace. So if I can challenge you and me - let's fix our eyes on Him right now and follow Him thru the muck storming around us. when He says just look at me you won't fall; i'll catch you. may it be the sweetest encouragement, the truest promise and the greatest hope we will ever need.

i feel extremely misunderstood.

mis·un·der·stood, (-std) mis·un·der·stand·ing, mis·un·der·stands

To understand incorrectly; misinterpret.

i miss lindsey part 2

i miss you. hope you are not freezing.

either its writers block or i am clearly unmotivated

its been hard to sit down and write lately. i have so many things to write and have no idea what order to do them in so since i can write here and have no consequences i guess i will choose this one first. i am trying to write some birth essays to send in with my certification; i have no idea why this is seemingly so hard. dave and i need to write a newsletter as well which we have been putting off for far to long. (sorry to all those supporters reading this). writing would also mean catching up on emails which i have been HORRIBLE at (sorry my dear friend lindsey). so see lots to write. not enough time nor the will to think of clever things to say. ahh mercy mercy forget my lack of will i am just trying to get by.
i had a good day today. volunteered at the pregnancy centre which is always a highlight. i will be starting to work nights this coming weekend for an agency called mother me which i am pretty excited about. it will be challanging as it is long night shifts about twice a week till the middle of november. i will be working with a family with new twins. its been amazing to me all the experience i have gained in the last few months. seems like only yesterday i was doubting this was God's dream for me. we have a speaker in this week who said. hope in God and the plan He has for you... cause it's GOOD!
anyways lots of other things to write and somehow i feel a bit more inspired. have a lovely night.

i miss lindsey

this was on our ride to sask - we hit a snowstorm in the mountains. it was beautiful.
i wanted to call lindsey today and it was so sad when it hit me that i can't. lindsey moved back to winnipeg this weekend. and although intellectully i know that spring is not far away and i will see her soon it is hard when you are used to just being able to call each other and hang out.

things aren't the same without you linds. i love you!

priorities...

seems like there is always discussion around what the priorities are in ones life... that leads me to much reflection. i feel i have so many priorities and making them all work are sometimes a bit of a stresser for me. defining priorities? what does that look like?
-my marriage is a priority - spending time with Dave
-my clients are a priority - making sure i give them the care they need and with the increasing amounts of postpartum clients that means more scheduling
-marketing myself is a priority so i continue to get clients
-my ministry here at work is a priority - doing the best i can with the responsibility
-my friends and family are a priority - the ones far away seem to get the most neglected.
-supporters which fall into the above category - the angst over not writing a newsletter in so long unnerves me daily.

where does that leave me? i read something today that only hit me now but seems perfect for this..
wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her, happy are those who hold her tightly.