Sunday, May 22, 2016
I went through the archives this week reading through the moments ten years ago that made me a mom. I have tried to think back to that time and remember if I felt ready. Present day I never feel ready for all that comes with parenting. The days of tiny humans is long over in our house but I feel all sorts surrounding the task of raising growing humans.
When I had Noah & Ari I didn't really know anyone else with twins. It was so overwhelming. I am so thankful for this blog because for me that first year is not a vivid memory for me.. it was lots of days filled with survival and more sadness and crazy than I had space for. I do remember having my mom tell me when the twins turned one that the party was really for us.. we had made it.
And each year I hear her say that.. we made it. And now today. It's been a whole decade. Of scary, awesome, sad and joyful moments.
Being a mom actually means more to me now than it did before and for sure means more than it did when they were little. Our relationship has changed - I have to give up more control than I ever realized. Lara Casey (author of Make it Happen) said this the other day and I love it.
"She believed she could so she did" is lovely and instills confidence, but that doesn't last. I know a deeper truth. She believed she couldn't, so He did. I've made every "mistake," and I'm grateful because my falls led me to freedom. If God is your boss, there's no shame for all those imperfections, sister. There's just grace."
It speaks truth to my soul as I wake up each day imperfect in my motherhood but yet in awe of these boys who challenge me, surprise me and love big.
Ari - firstborn. Your compassion and love for life drives you. The start of this school year was tough on you and I am more than proud of all you have done and what you have pursued. You didn't give up and you worked hard. You are flying now! That is going to go a long way in your life. This afternoon when we walked outside you grabbed my hand and as I sat here to write it stuck out to me cause you always take time to grab my hand, hug me or tell me you love me. You care about others and don't have allegiance to any one particular person but love them all. Competition is not something that rates high on your life scale and it's part of what makes you care deeply for others and have an empathy that I value as part of who you are. I think you are going to be a champion for others and call out the good in those who don't quite see it in themselves. You started out life small and I know being a twin and constantly compared is not always easy but I see BIG life for you my boy.
Noah - You are a leader. People want to follow you. You are fun and full of life. You love your people and want to do good - I'm proud of you for realizing that what you do today and how you invest your time will produce lasting, tangible things for your life. A couple weeks ago when we went on a walk just the two of us I was struck by how much you crave one on one time - being a twin is not always easy and you have so much you want to say. I loved our conversation and the simplicity of just being together. You are a creature of habit and I love seeing you push yourself out of those things that make you comfortable.. reminds me of your Dad when we first met. You love excitement and being apart of the action of all things life.
I sat here and read those two paragraphs and realized you are both the best parts of your Dad and me and also uniquely your own. Gosh what an amazing thing! It honestly blows my mind that I get to be a part of this. Your stories. I can't wait to look back at the chapters but I am most looking forward to watching each page get filled.
I pray that you will continue to keep these things in your heart: there is nothing more important than showing up and putting yourself out there. To be seen. I want you to dare to live your life and not be selfish. To think of others first, show compassion, be love, teach humility, to be able to be wrong and to know your footprint on this world will have impact.
You are worthy of love... no matter what you wear or how much you look like each other. Your stories are entwined for sure but you each have your own book! You belong to that.
I celebrate this last decade with more passion and excitement than ever before. I celebrate each of you for who you are and who you are becoming. Happy 10th birthday Noah & Ari. Double Digits. This mama is proud and so thankful you help me each day see myself as worthy of the title mom.