Monday, May 31, 2010


I title this with the title seriously?? out of my total dissapointment that things are not turning out the way I had hoped. On Saturday morning my water broke... seriously strange feeling to not be able to stop what feels like peeing your pants.. anyways after confirming at the hospital with my midwife that yes that was my water we were off to Winnipeg. The local hospital will not deliver pre 36 weeks and at 34 + 6 days I am out of luck.
Surprisingly enough after being seen at Women's I was admitted with the hopes of 48 hours of IV antibiotics and a shot at going home as long as all was well. I was always under the asumtion after 24 hours they want the baby out. But I knew that if I could hold him in for another week I could possible deliver at the hospital in Winkler.
It's been a long weekend.. hard and today was especially lonely. My whole family came yesterday and my good friend who lives here has really shown up.. bringing along starbucks, sushi, and treats for the boys yesterday. I was overwhelmed with love yesterday.
Fetal assesment went well this morning. Baby J is doing good. Strong, moving, about 6lbs already.
The plan as long as tonight goes well is to go home tomorrow on pretty much bed rest and most likely be induced at 36 weeks (so anytime after Sunday) Today I am 35 weeks +1 day.
I am hopeful I can keep him in there and we are hoping against all infection so we will both stay safe.
Hopefully tomorrow I will be blogging from my couch at home.
Thanks for all the love. We - especially the boys need it!

Friday, May 28, 2010


A tad overwhelmed at the moment which is why you haven't heard from me in awhile.. just a bunch of stuff. I have lots to share just need my sanity to come back... I will leave you with some pics from last Saturday.. even though Daddy was absent had a good day. Big party tomorrow, so I will be back if we can get some batteries for our camera :)

Saturday, May 22, 2010


How can it be 4 years ago? Life changed and we were blessed with the arrival of two little tiny human beings... There arrival was early and not the perfect way to start but they grabbed hold of our hearts and away we went.

I have been looking back at photos from those early days and it's all a blur. I don't have many clear memories of the first little while. I was in survival mode. So were they.

Ari you came first and when I first laid eyes on you in the NICU we instantly knew you were you. You had a cpap machine hooked up to you and it made you have this tiny little growl with each breath. Your name means Lion and you have lived up to it ever since.

Noah you came second even though the whole pregnancy you were meant to come first... just relaxed and not worried about anything.. your name means peace and rest and just like your Daddy you also live up to your name.

Being a mom hasn't been easy for me and that first year was a tough one on all of us. I am thankful that you have as much grace for me as God does. I do love being your mom... Tonight after you finally fell asleep (that is a battle right now) I went up and stared at you both for a while.. I can't believe you are mine. That I was trusted to be your mom. I am so lucky to have you. I am full.

Ari - Your energy and your enthusiasm for life is contagious. I know we don't always see eye to eye.. probably cause we are so alike. You are a joy to be with. You love playing outside and are thriving now that it's warm. You are unafraid to try new things. You get frustrated unlike anyone I have ever met.. and are hard to reason with in the midst of it. I want to keep working on communicating with you so you know I am really listening to you.

Noah - You are a sweet soul with so much depth of character. You are outgoing and introverted all in one.. again so like your dad. You like to cuddle and you give love out of a pure place. You have a hard time communicating when you don't get what you want and have a hard time pin pointing what exactly that is. I want to commit to listening and asking better questions.

At four you are loving:
-Cars/Trucks/Front end loaders - basically anything that vrooms
-Crafts - painting, play dough, scissors and glue
-Being outside - wearing flip flops, riding the gator, the sandbox and any jumpoline you can get your little legs on. You also love riding your bike and especially long trips to the school park with Daddy... We are so proud of you.
- You have lots of friends and love talking about especially your friends at Shirley's. Often while in your own little world you even take on their names. It's not unusal to have a Carys and a Jordan running around...
-You love your papa - he is number 1 in your books. Especially when he picks you up in his big truck. Grandma is up there too - especially for fruit bites and gum ;)
-You have a special relationship with your dad right now and you can't wait to be with him. He's pretty amazing!!
-You love singing and have a great memory for songs. Favorites right now are: Yellow Submarine, ABC's, Go tell it on the mountain, Alive Alive and Jesus Loves Me.
-Another favorite friend is Ruby - it's always a good day when you can play with her.. whether it be at IceBurg in the dirt or at church or anywhere else. She holds a special spot in your hearts.
-You love each other and I am always amazed at how much you care for each other. You can finish each other's sentances and when push comes to shove you would do just about anything to make the other one happier. You fight of course but it never lasts long. I found this old picture of you and not only is your hair amazing it shows how much you love each other.

I took this one this morning... so classic of what goes on here on a day to day basis.

Ari & Noah I am so happy to be your mom and so happy to have four wonderful years of you. I love watching you grow up and can't wait for more. Thank you for being patient with me. I know you will be the best big brothers around.
Love Mom.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


I have been doing alot of reminiscing this week... It's hard not to compare this pregnancy to last and they are as different as night and day. My mom and I are taking the boys to Winnipeg on Thursday and that's what we did exactly four years ago... for a routine OB appt. I never left the hospital and the boys were born the Monday after.

I am pretty much the same in my pregnancy time wise as then.. the boys were also due end of June. So it's even stranger...

I have so many thoughts of those days and although I don't remember exact details (it's all a bit blurry) I remember.

A couple weekends ago we celebrated Dave's birthday and Mother's Day.. my dad snapped this photo.

I found this photo from exactly four years ago... doing the same thing.

As I get ready to celebrate the miracle of Ari & Noah. I anticipate keeping this one inside till it's time to have him greet the world.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

baby J

Hard to imagine in 7 or 8 weeks or more.... we will get to meet Baby J. It's gone so fast.
Some have been asking what he needs so I decided to make a little list...

A nursing pillow. A good old Boppy.... You can find them just about anywhere. Here is a link to a plain one. Because then it could be dressed up with this... ohh la la. In love. So sad they are sold out.. maybe she does custom jobs??

A diaper bag.. I know I have covered this topic here already but still have not gotten one. I think I may have found the one. Timi & Leslie bags are gorgeous and are multi functional which I love.
I think I have fallen hard for Hannah....
I've seen it all over the internet.. I love her in Pewter. What's a girl not to love?

This is Sophie - she is a safe toxic free giraffe. Perfect friend for teething babies.

Other than those things.. I need some newborn diapers... I want to use disposables just for the first month and am looking to go as eco friendly as possible so I would like to try Seventh Generation Diapers. I would also like to use their wipes to begin with as well. We have a good stock of Newborn Cloth Diapers and will need to expand our collection as he grows.

I think you can never have enough receiving blankets and could use a few more. For the boys we used them A-LOT! Not only as blankets but burp cloths as well.

Other than that we are preparing for our homebirth.. I am hoping to have a water birth. Our midwives got a new pool and it will fit nicely in our dining room.

It's hard to remember what it's like to have a baby and what you will need... I can't wait to meet Baby J and see what he is like.. The boys are having a hard time waiting.. I think the concept of time is so lost on them and this must be feeling like forever.

Sunday, May 09, 2010


Happy Mother's Day.

A friend asked me the other day what I wanted to be when I was in high school. It was a good question.. the only thing I could think to say was a wife and a mother. It's true I guess. Growing up that's all I really could see myself being. Or at least it's all I saw myself wanting....
I guess you could say I thought it would be all roses, skittles and butterflies. All the time. I never thought that it wouldn't come easily. If you are new here or need a refresher..

Motherhood has not been an easy journey for me. It's been really difficult at times. I know I didn't have the "normal" start and having twins was different in it's own right.. but I 'm not sure it would have been "easier" had it been "normal". The feelings of failure were hot on my heels from day one and mixed with some terrible postpartum depression I was a marked woman.
I love my kids and I think we all do whether it's "easy" or not. I find simple joy in them daily. But it's also reality that for me it's not always butterflies or skittles. It's hard work. Being a mom is tiring, selfless, and ugly at times... I have a better appreciation of my own mother and can't even imagine how she loved us so selflessly. She has a big heart and her mansion in heaven is a bit bigger than most.

So as I get ready to take on motherhood again with a new little one I am filled with a small part of fear... but remaining hopeful that the lessons I have learned will have instilled strength inside of me. That remaining mentally healthy is my main goal that to take it easy on myself is the strategy I will cling too.

I was reading in a favorite book the other day and came across this.. I think I have shared it before.

"sometimes there's nothing inside you but echoes, and the water is so low, its left a line, a watermark that's cracking in the sun and you feel it may never rise, fear you will be left out way up high to dry, never to float weightless again. Sometimes all the words have gone up and flown away, leaving no trace but a frayed string or a broken piece of kite flapping wildly in the wind to remind you there was once something there but it got so broken and its too far gone you'll never find it. Sometimes you are an elm tree in winter, bare and black and frozen, just tangled lines reaching for the sky and all you can do is try to cast shadows and make silhouettes in the blue morning, bare and cold. Inside me is January. Inside me is a backyard full of old snow. Inside me is a long stretch of prairie road. I am wilting like the the plants on the windowsill. Inside me is a place where the sun won't reach. Inside me is a white walled room with no pictures or windows or chairs. Sometimes there's nothing to say, you just a need a summer's day to warm your skin, to make something right again."

I think I finally feel like a summer's day.. I think I finally feel ready to take on the dark, bleak places that have held me in residence for so long. I feel the water rising and the moon sparkling on the water... I'm on a raft now a big beautiful boat floating over the smooth glassy waters. It's about time..

Happy Mother's Day to those who hold children here on earth or in heaven or those who hold other's children and not yet their own. I salute you in your quest... whatever it looks like!

Saturday, May 08, 2010


this guy celebrates a birthday today... I wanted to write something about him but I find it hard to use words that would be full enough. There just aren't any. He is thoughtful, sensitive, funny, caring, personable, smart and genuine. He is generous with his love and puts up with far more than he should. He is gentle in his approach and can be as silly as he needs to be.
He is an incredible friend, brother, son, husband and the best Dad.
I love him to pieces.. I have since the day we met. We are off to spend the day together in Winnipeg. I couldn't ask for a better partner.

Happy Birthday to my Italian Stallion.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

sweet mail

I just got the loveliest mail today. Amber at Cotton Cupcake Shoppe makes the most beautiful custom baby stuff. Embroidered Onesies, Hats, Shirts. All so adorable! I ordered Baby J a perfectly cute Grey Hat.. with his name embroidered on the front of course.
Not only is the hat amazing.. it came in a sweet little wrapped package.. complete with ribbon and cute tags. I loved it. I highly recommend you all order something from her.. for yourself or for someone you love. Go on order! You won't regret it.

(the tag is conveniently covering Baby J's name.... but it is embroidered on the most adorable green - you can order in tons of colors!! )
Oh and another awesome part is Amber is local.. just an hour or so from where I live. Go on...
p.s did i mention she even hand wrote me a sweet note...

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Baby J's Room.

I think it's because when the boys came along I had no place to make them a room. We lived in a tiny house with one bedroom and we crammed our bed and their crib into one little space. This time around I knew I wanted to create a space for this one.. his very own space. Filled with thoughtful pieces. This room is small.. in fact it was not really a room but a space at the top of the stairs which served no purpose. My mind swirled with the possibilities.

The space is small it's 8x9.

It started with the french doors... we decided to go this route because in the future it probably won't be a bedroom and this way it can still be used to serve a function and purpose. We also did this to keep it open when you walk up the stairs instead of being faced with a wall and a closed door. We painted the doors Deep Caviar (bm). The two spaces beside the door are dry walled and still need to be mudded and taped but all in good time. For now it was more important to have a space to get ready for Baby J's arrival.

Let's go back shall we.. this is where we started....

And now when you walk up the stairs and peer left this is what you see....

Still hoping for a new light fixture... this one is less than cute.

Baby J already has two sweet owls to keep him company. The green one is a wishing owl.. a lovely gift from friends in Vancouver. His backside holds a pocket filled with wishes and prayers they wrote for him. Lady Grey is a friend made by a scrapbooking friend of mine here. She sells sweet knitted animals at MyScrapShoppe here in town.

On the opposite wall is the dresser - ahh the dresser! This certainly was a labor of love. I was ready to give up on this project but am so happy with the end results. We sanded and scrapped off the veneer and we stained in a beautiful dark color. I love it! With no closet in this room it's nice to have so much storage.

The quilt hanging on the crib is the one I made. This was a long project but I love how it turned out. It's not perfect by any means.. but it's made with love.

I am so happy with my chair. A gift from Grandma and Papa.. it fits perfectly and I can't wait to spend time with him here.

So for now this is the nursery. The frames on the wall still need to be filled with pictures. I am hoping for a maternity session in May so I will fill them then. I need a laundry hamper and would love to put a small plant beside the lamp just for some life.

And because I love to show you how you can get things done on a very tight budget here's where our nursery stands:

Doors - purchased at Home Depot for $ 200
Paint, Install, Drywall of doors $ 35
Crib - already had
Dresser - free from my parents and the cost to sand, stain and polyurethane it was $ 28
Lamp - purchased at Target $ 19.99
Change pad - already had
The Curtain - love the curtain. It is a shower curtain from Target - $ 24 and then altered by me for free.
Change pad cover - was our first splurge but kind of jump started the whole room $35
Chair & Ottoman - gift
Rug - already had
Frames - $ 17
Flower Poms - bought at Orange Kisses - $ 19
Lanterns - purchased at Hobby Lobby $ 12
Polka Dot Sheet on crib - $ 10
Grey Owl - $ 6
Paint for Room - $ 50
Total - $ 432

Saturday, May 01, 2010

just all around good

That was today. I had full intentions of a nursery post today but got caught up being creative in my studio instead. The pics are all taken and i will reveal tomorrow or Monday.. so you will just have to be patient

Today was good. I love mornings where we don't have to rush. Dave and the boys even made me eggs and toast. I also have been feeling spurts of energy... yesterday I tackled my pantry which was a mess and today I got all the baby clothes and blankets and stuff put away in the nursery.
I have been enjoying staring at my drawer full of cloth diapers.. bright and fun! I am excited to embark on this path and feel it will be a great choice for us as a family. The world of cloth diapers definitely is overwhelming but I have friends who have helped me sift through the information.

I spent a good part of the afternoon scrap booking and putting together my Week in the Life pages. I plan to post those and my process early this week.
Yesterday I finished the binding on Baby J's quilt.. that has been a labor of love. I started it over a year ago and it feels good to have it finished. I already have the next quilt ready to go!
We did end up in town and got a few things done but most of today has been spent at home.
I am baking pizza in the oven right now - oh yum. De Lucca's pizza dough!! After the boys are in bed. Dave and I are going to watch a movie and eat a blizzard. I have been anticipating this... ready? May's blizzard of the month is The Buster Bar blizzard..

I know!!! Oh my word. I can't wait.
Happy Saturday. What are you up too?